Today as I seat in my big black comfortable chair looking out at painted walls (I hate the fact that my office doesn't have a window)- I constantly ponder one question? What really is important in life? Is it money, love, happiness, great sex, bragging, rights...
is it the need for me to see the Dr. cause I think I might have a VD...lol.. but it's the truth... shyt hoping I don't have gnorrhea again.. and planning on going to the clinic this afternoon... I'm hoping I don't have anything but I know my body and something ain't right.. so most likely later tonight I'll be getting a shot in the ass... uhhhh... anyway.. (had to get that off my chest.. damn I feel better now) .....
So, I've been reading blogs all morning and taking occasionally visitors as well as well answering the phones...so, I know there are certain things I need to accomplish before the end of the day but dammnit I don't feel like it today.. I should have stayed home.. but I couldn't think I'm going to take a personal day on Wednesday.. or maybe a Sick Day cause I got 5 of them left and well if my instincts are right... I will techincally be sick... cause my dick wil be running.. by then...lol-- my sad morbid personality strikes again...I'm so paranoid about this .. I mean who knew getting head could make ur dick sick.... DAMNIT... I told myself to make sure I always wore condoms even when I'm just getting some OR (Oral relations for those of u who don't know) but I let my guard drop and now I'm getting that urethea feeling and no my dick isn't burning yet.. and I hope it doesn't start... hopefully this is all in my mind and I really don't have anything but then again I might.. damn I don't feel like them sicking that fucking squab up my dick today... damn, but i know i got to go get this checked out...
and I alreayd told Dude, that I think i got suttin.. and if i got it then he got it, or maybe that Mofo gave it to me.... but who knows... at any rate, he's the one who got me worrying cause he said i pee too much and i probably got a urinary infection.. and i was like how the hell i get that and if i got it then u got it cause u sucked me off the other night... and damn i'm angry... i don't know what i'm doing or even if i'm doing the right thing.. so many thoughts ramage thru my head as I'm trying to understand this world that i live in... the world that has no place for me but constantly my thoughts cascade into dreams allowing me to believe that I am different.. that I am special and that I have every right that every other man has... but then I'm reminded that I don't... I can't get married, which I think it important... I'm attracted to men.. and many of the men I'm attracted to won't allow me to love them or show PDOE (Physical deplays of affection) Dude included... Last night he asked me, "have you every been in a situation and you feel like your giving all you can and it's not enough..??" and I was like "yeah"... so he changed the conversations.. 10 minutes later I caught on and said "Do you feel like that's what we are or have??" He was like "nah"... but I know I ask for "too much"-- one frind of mines says that I have Tall orders.. and I admit i do. because i am emotionally deficient and i crave the possibilty of meeting someone who will fullfill me... my emotional sense as well as everything else...sometimes i wish i could change but i cant i am... what i am.. a vulnerable. volatile, emotional brotha.. that will never change i suppose... my mentor used to say that i would drive any man crazy.. to some point that is true.. and maybe if i wasn't this way maybe i would be happy... maybe i would have someone in my life.. and i have to constantly ask myself an I sabotoging myself or presuing things and people who i know won't make me happy... because after all i have never been happy..so how would i possibly function if i was happy.. but yet and still i constantly hear myself telling myself that i want to be happy... and i really do... and yet and still it scares me.. its like love... i want it so bad but it scares me to death....
speaking of, yesterday while watching logo this chick said Fear weakens us... ain't that some powerful shyt.. fear.. giving into out fears weakens us... and i guess in the last few weeks i have been attempting and facing some of my fears and i am engrossed with quiet reminders everyday of the pain that i have escaped or dealt with in the past... I.e Dude and I were talking and he is extremely conservative and I am well more liberal because i just feel like i should be able to do what i want to do.. if i want to kiss u i should be able to or if i want to hold ur hand or if i want to send u roses or love letters.. or drop u by a present..or well marry u... or hold u close in my arms and never let go.. cause i am.. well Romantic.. and i want so badly someone to do those things with.. someone who i will allow myself and they will allow me to do those things with and I don't know if I'm just wasting my time on Dude... cause I understand more or less some folks on PDOE.. but when we are in doors.. we should be able to be together.. together.. and be affectionate.. and I'm not getting that... he says that I'm scarying him because he's not out and he's not as comfortable with himself as I am... I'm just always working on me.. so... if that's comfortable i guess... but too me I have so much more to conquer... well... Dude and I had a long conversation the other day about well I guess life... sexuality.. comfortablity.. being "out" being "closeted".. being "safe" the movement.. and my position is somewhat assertive aggressive.. I'm not the leader of the gay pride parade but my mother and family knows (well everyone except my father becuz I don't have a relationship with him) and any one I consider a friend knows becuz how can you be a friend otherwise...so, we had this long convo and I'm like well I feel like I should be able to do anything str8 guys do... affection wise and he was like str8 people don't do that.. and I'm like bullshyt that do when they talk about their girlfriends or wives, and when they wear wedding rings, and hug, kiss, hold hands, by clothes and lingere and send roses and flowers and gifts and alot of other things.. and I feel like I should be able to do the same even though these things would be for another man... love is love... and we got to talking about white privelege and I was like well str8 people have heterosexual privelege and he was like baby "it is what it is" and I was like don't make it right.. and what if our ancestors thought that way.. what if Martin and Malcolm and Langston and James And Rosa thought that way....and he was like it takes time baby.. and I'm like nah, I would rather die for something that to live for nothing...
And this morning that has me thinking am I living for nothing or am I willing to die for something.. this thought ruputured the inside of my brains and caused my sides to hurt like i needed to vomit as I read blog after blog about homophobis peeps and coming out stories and hatred and dispair and grief.. and I'm on the journey of releasing my grief... cause in the world's of floerty "it was a heavy load"... and I love the guy i used to be.. everystep he took was reaching out to me...(go pick up their lastest cd, it's nice....) at any rate, my head is filled with worries.. and i think I better get some work done....
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1 comment:
I hope everything is ok on the health tip.
If Dude is worth it give him some time get comfortable with himself.
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