Wednesday, October 19, 2005
So, I got up moved all my things out of the "Affected space" and proceed to get my shyt together so I wouldn't be too "offensive", "rude" or as I had been called earlier in the weekend "street"...
So, I got my shyt together tried to make peace with the changes the weekend had brought about and tried to simply embrace the change because it is the only thing permanent in life...
Ok, so I showered, Pooquie, showered and all was ready to go for the event... the event was very mind opening- life altering and unforseen- the way the event went, was presented, and executed was the bomb- the thing that touched me the most was the honesty each brotha shared with the next, regardless if we agreed or disagreed we were in those moments "brothas" struggling to understand each other and each others circumstances and boundraies, it was in those moments that I felt united with each one in a different way- wither it was grace, strength, compassion, or who knows what we were all changed....
I finally located AnothaPoet and we gathered his crew to go to the Delta. - it was here that I realized I'm either getting older or DC is just laking the "masculine energy" that used to turn me the fuck on.... As, I stood in the club, totally sober, (remember I didn't make it there till after 4am)- I looked back and saw brothas acting like "sistas" one group of brothas reacting the scene from the Color Purple where Nettie n Celie are joking each other because Mister wants is seeking to marry- for the next 30 minutes, I witnessed more Lil Kim wannabees than I just want to be Ken, or Michael, or Jerome or whomever.... it was here that the disappoint of the weekend laid in, it was here that I turned to Conceited and said "yo I'm ready to go back home"- it was here that I realized I have major issues with "feminine" "effemimiate" "non masculine" brothas--- it was here I realized that I had hurt my freind by my behavior this weekend and there was nothing that could be said or done, the air between us would never be the same, no matter how much I wanted to hold on or remember or just be "safe", just the two of us Raymond & Kyle- this could no longer be- we would now always be distant, touching and communicating but keeping our distance- it was then that I wanted to cry, but refused- it was then that I left the club and found myself in Malcolm X park, searching for the masculine energy DC always exuded.
Once inside Malcolm X park, I saw brotha and yeah the masculine energy was there but not like it was before not like I wanted it to be, - I wanted it to be romance and intrugie and caring not beastial, lustfull longing- I had to go back to my freinds house and digest everything the weekend had brought to me......
As we walked down the mall we talked about the our previous endeavor and the challenge that was now presented before me. We admired the beautifull faces of our brothas and sistas as that sat, walked, ate, smile, and slept in the sun- there we found peace- with our people even though, we weren't included (per say). After, grabbing some fries and a drink we headed back towards the stage and ran into some more buddies and decided to chill out and conversate about the march, our place in the march, the ordeal with Keith Boykin, and why Erykah Badu looked high as hell on the stage...lol... I wanted some of whatever she was smoking... well we all agreed to depart, go take naps and meet later to view a documentary that was being shown somewhere in the city.
I headed back to the Batcave and jumped into bed, interrupting the steady thoughts of my freind and another acquantance. As I closed my eyes, I heard chatter all of which started with the world "girl".. After hearing the word for what seemed like the 20th time in 2 minutes, I turned to my freind and said if u say that word one more time, I'm going to lose my mind, (or something of the sort)- I then closed my eyes and was off into lala land... I awoke about 45 minutes to an hour later and we all departed to the documentary and then to grab something to eat, before hitting a party, which I thought was in DC, but ended up being in MD...... this is where the major disconnection occurred.. this is where my ghetto black ass lost my mind and lost contact with my freind.
After driving for what seemed like a 3 day drive, or shyt I might have just been sleepy.. we finally arrived at the party. The host opened the door, and greeted everyone with a hug or kiss when his eyes hit me, he replied, and who is this "thugged trade looking muthafucka" something along those lies of which, pricked my last fucking nerve, also considering the fact that I was perhaps the only "masculine" in the entire party. Here again I heard a lil bit too much, "girl" & "chile" and god who knows what else, so I sat on the coach and went to sleep-
When I woke up, the host obviously had an attitude (I mean shyt I don't blame him, I would have had one too, but shyt I was sleepy).. soon my freind and everyone was ready to go and we jumped back in the car headed to DC, when a fucking deer ran into the rental car...... (good thing I purchased that fucking additional car insurance).....
So, the first thing I did after realizing I had fucked up was wake up Left after kissing him for like 5 minutes and then showering so I could drop him off, clean up the living room a lil bit before meeting Clay at the march.
So, we head down Florida avenue and I finally get him to his destination before telling the brotha to go back to NYC and tell his girlfriend that it was over because he was moving on to bigger and better things and that he was moving to Chicago....lol... crazy me- that's probably why the brotha ain't called me since.... so anyway.. I park my car after dropping dude off, and walk a few blocks until I see black folks galore walking in the same direction, so I do what I always do- "When in Rome do as the Romans do"-
So, I'm following my people hearing chants like "1, kness up, 2, chest down, 3, head up, 1, 2, 3,4, kness, chest, head". When I finally got closer to the march, I called Clay to find his 20.. and he tells me he's at Freedom Plaza and to walk towards the White House- I'm like kewl.. and I walk towards the crowd when suddenly as far as I can see I see nothing but black people, and amazingly I started crying- I couldn't believe it, but water filled my eyes and I felt like I was losing my balance- yet and still I continued to walk amongst my people to find my friend.
The more I walked the more emotional the march was for me especially after reaching Clay and getting the low down on what happened. So, supposedly, Minister Farakkan extended his hand out to the black gay community and Keith Boykin was supposed to speak on "our" behalf. However, after arriving at the clearance point that morning, he was told he could not speak, so about 50 or so black gay folks stood together at Freedom Plaza to "unite" and march to the march to demand inclusion.
Well, suprisingly, I found myself marhcing with my fellow brothas to the march. As I watched the g pride flag fly above us, and the chants of black, gay, pround.. I relaized how much of a coward I was as well as how courgaeous I was at that moment. I was stuck between embarrassment, disbelief, confusion, and the need to stand up and be heard but with who, among who, and how? How does one stand up?
As I watched my friend, Clay boastfully walk down the street I saw the glimmer in his step, the pride in his cheeks, the sound of his voice, "black, gay, proud", while I could only muster "black, gay" and as I turned to him I said "Pooquie I don't know how pride I am right now"... at that moment something changed or perhaps things had already changed neither one of us realized it- at that moment we were as the weekend would prove were as we had always been "different"- I was a coward walking along the sides of a warrior and he was well "himself" standing up for something he believed in.
His voice and presence gave me the strength to muster a few "black, gay, and prounds" but mostly I could only be seen, complain, and recite were family and that we are.................
Well, after driving 2 1/2 hours from Jersey, I picked up Claystarr and greeted him with a big ass hug and we were off to two functions. We stopped by one political type rally where a brotha delivered a deep poem and another function which was a movie screening of an upcoming g life series. The weekend was starting off very boogie but that was kewl cause I was going to feed my carnal appetite later in the weekend.
After, leaving both the functions we retired to Clay's house and I opted to go to the Mill and then to the Edge versus taking my ass to bed. Well, at the Mill I ran into a few familiar faces, including that of DarkMon, a brotha I used to date when I lived in Baltimore. Well, he was suprised as hell to see me, especially since we hadn't seen each other for over 4 years. We exchanged #'s and the Mill closed. I then drove down the street to the Edge, still on my carnal voyage to find some hot ass masculine cutie, so I could smile all up in his face.... I paid the $15.00 cover and was incirled by darkness as brothas were bopping their heads among other things into the likes of Biggie and Kanye. I hooked up with my buddy, TeddyBear and cut the rug to a few songs before heading to the bar and spotting my cutie, LeftmyGirlinNYC. Well, Left was checking me out and I was pepping his sexy ass with his sexy smile and light brown, almost light skin ass, with sexy corn rolls- I immediately sensed the instant attraction and every other man in the room disappeared- I had met my conquest- and boy was it a conquest. We danced, kissed (yeah brotha started kissing me and I couldn't help but kiss back).
As I felt the heat from his body to mine, I knew I had to have this brotha- I wanted to take him in my arms and never let go--- Left kept wigging out and being overly cautious, when I instructed him to be still and let me do my thing as I whispered sweet words into his ear and kissed him soft, then hard, then deep- at this moment he blushed and said "man I don't be doing this shyt, my freinds are going to see me, and they know my girl" and I'm like wtf--- but kept kissing him anyway...
After filling each other with so much body contact and kisses we followed the swift air and departed onto the patio to talk and see each other in the light- dude was like "damn u cute" and blah, blah, blah, I was like damn, this is what I miss about the fucking east coast- a brotha with flava.... well we talked a long ass time, before negotiating on our next step- we decided to go back to "my buddy's house" after we dropped his freinds off..... so I call Claystarr and announce and ask permission to bring my cuitepie back to the crib, he says it's kewl and were off to the Batcave...
Once back at the Batcave, we immediately undressed each other and did what we had waited to do all night, hug each other totally nude, while engulfing each other's mouth with saliva...lol... man shyt the brotha could kiss--- so, we hugged, kissed, and I'll keep the rest to myself until the morning.....................
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Well, my long weekend began at Midway airport where I ended up running into another actor and having a very good, freindly, kinda flirty conversation- but shyt I don't even know if the brotha gets down- so anyway, we talked for about 20 minutes before I engulfed my Chinese food and headed for my flight to DC. Once arriving in DC, I immediately went to rent my rental car and make a few quick phone calls before heading off to Jersey to visit my family. I ended up only reaching one person who could escort me to the mall for something to eat, so there I was on my way to the mall where I proceed to buy a pair of jeans but couldn't find anything that fit- I have to buy clothes to fit my thighs not my waist, so once you need anything beyond a 34 in DC's Gap, Aeropostale, Macy's or anything you can just hang it up and advance to the Big & Tall stores because America is now only making clothes for the belimics and anoxerics and it's been a minute since this grown man could fit into a size 32 waist.
So, anyway, I met up with my buddy and we ate and talked before I departed to Jersey to visit my family. So, I took the 3 hour drive in the fucking rain and you know that no matter where your at in America, when it rains people forget how to drive, so I find myself getting into NJ around 12 midnight- stopping by Wawa to pick up a hoagie- they have the best fucking hoagies and macaroni salad and then getting to my moms house where my sister and mom are up waiting for me- and my youngest oldest sister is asleep- well we wake her up and eat hoagies and talk- after that we ( my sisters and myself) go into their room and talk for like 2-21/2 hours, which I keep reminding them that they have school in the morning- but hey it's not every day they see me sooooo---
Well, the alarm goes off at 5:30 and their up getting ready for school and my moms screaming "get up and take your shower", followed by my little sister crying about her "hair doesn't look right" to "your going to make me miss the bus". I just closed my eyes and tried to block out the endless adolescent teenage behavior.
A lil after 12 noon, I finally open my eyes, get up dress, call my grandmother and my friend TT, and discover that my cell phone has been cut off (ain't that a bitch)- so I call up Sprint make a payment, which I discover is going to take 4 hours to hit my account and I won't be able to make any mobile calls until that time- Well, I use my moms home phone and make a few calls to no avail- So, I decide to go visit my mentor at the college and then hopefully see my grandma before I leave-
So, I get to the college, totally surprise him and we sit and talk for a while before he wants to strut me around the college as "one of the big success stories" "Emotionalbrotha was a student of mine a few years back and he's now in Chicago after recieving his Masters degree" and Is it back and watch as all the white folks mouths open wide, like amazing "an educated negro". So, anyway, we talk for the longest catching up on each other's lives and how so many things have changed (the real premise to my weekend and this blog). I look at the time and realize I need to call my grandma and see if I can see her before I depart into the night to venture into the District.
Well, I finally reach her and tell her I'll be over her house in 20 minutes. I give my mentor a big ass hug and depart back into the Small Country to visit my grandma. I get over her house and being the "traditional Southern" woman she is invites me for something to eat, some catfish at that so you know a brotha got his grub on- Well, i talked with my grandma and uncle, who is still living in my grandma's crib for a while and then departed off to DC....
Thursday, October 13, 2005
-I'm so excited to be going back home for the weekend.-
I will will be able to see the people I love and hopefully get some good food-
Monday, October 10, 2005
Life is so fucking funny man- funny because if it wasn't for laughter than all I would do is cry and this weekend I was there between the two- living between the past and present, what was and what is, and now living in a somewhat better place (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually)
However, I was able to look at the events from the outside- you know it's amazing when you can look at a situation somewhat detached and say to your self damn that's familiar or damn he still running that same as tired game- or damn why am I even concerned about what he's doing and who he's talking to anyway?
Well, the reunion happened- we saw each other, we spoke I gave them a quick (and I mean very quick hug) and then departed my body from theirs like it was nobodys business
So the funny thing was it was like all night our eyes would meet and there was some kind of communication going on- I don't really know what kind or anything like that, but it was very much like a familiarity that hopefully noone else sensed but us. But, you know me, I need to move on with my life, so I would simply look away and go get a drink or truthfully avoid his eyes because I know #1 he doesn't want me, #2 I didn't want to tell on myself (very few people know that we ever dated) #3 didn't want to start going back on autopilot with all the feelings, #4, embarrass myself by either giving into this half state that was already initiated from the first moment I saw him-
Ok, moving on.... so majority of the night was spent avoiding Lot's eyes and really just enjoying everyone around me (and not in a carnal sense- this was a birthday party not a sex party), I told that in honor of my boys birthday which was the same day as this party, I would have a forgiving spirit and forgive anyone who was there and not hold any grudges or whatever, start anew
so anyway, all night there were different dudes trying to gain their conquest for the night and damn there was alot of messy shyt going on- I.e. this one dude tried to talk to me and shyt we were getting our flirt on until I found out he was a good freind of someone who I used to dick down on the regular about 8 months ago- and man it's amazing how small the world is and how worlds collide
- how u reunite with brothas you haven't seen in 3, 4, years or brothas u've just met who claim their on the "dl" but then there at a "g life" party and know more people than u know... haha...
so anyone, I ended up having too much to drink and a Kindstranger offered to share his bed with me- well, after much pursuaision I consented to sharing his bed, after making it clear that he and I would not be having intercourse
Being the freindly ass person, I've learned to be, I had to go around the room and say goodbye to my other associaties and ironically on the way out observed Lot exchanging numbers with this dude who came to the party with another buddy of mine Suburb, (Suburb and I went on a few dates about a year ago and I ate his booty, but we never fucked)- So, anyway, thought it was funny that dude was knowing exchanging #'s with Playa playa (AKA Lot) after copblocking all night.
So, I didn't say shyt to either one of them. -I kept hitting the pavement-
Well long and behold, I finally reached the Kindstranger and followed him home to share his bed.
After finally getting to his crib, which he said was 10 minutes from the party, we undressed and hugged, played with dicks for a lil bit and then departed into lalala land cause my ass fell asleep.
Well, when I woke up in the morning with dude all underneath me. I got up to take a piss and was going to get dressed but dude was like yo where u going and nah I want you to stay for a lil while longer- and I was like dude I need to go home and walk my dog, but after a few more hugs my body pursuaded me to stay and watch movies, eat, and talk with Kind.
Well, you know me, I'm always running my mouth a lil too much and revealed a lil something about the situation between me and Lot, but not revealing who Lot was- but long and behold after talking and hugging and watching tv for like 4 more hours it really was time for me to depart and as I was on my way out, dude says to me, your situation reminds me of someone and I'm like really? He's like yeah- and I'm like ok, who? And he says well talk later, and I'm like nah, we can talk now- Who? and he says "they were at the party last night, right? and I'm like yeah and he says Lot, and I'm like whoa, and he says yeah were really good freinds.
So, I re-enter Kind's crib and we sit down and talk and he said that he knew who I was talking about when I started talking about them and then also that he and Suburb are like best freinds and I'm like man you know we can't like date or anything now- and he's like yeah, I was looking forward to getting to know u, and then he says that he and Lot also dated and I'm like oh, hell nah- but yeah-
and so we talked and of course everything starts coming back and he looks at me and says you still have alot of emotions for dude, hun?
And I'm like yeah but it's gotten alot better- so I explain the situation to Kind, and he's like damn that's deep..and I'm like yeah, and I read to him my poem about the Lot sitution and he's like damn man, maybe u need to tell him how u feel or just animously send him a copy of the poem and I'm like man it wouldn't even make a difference. I'm just focused on me and how to not do what he did to me to anyone else thats why I wouldn't have sex with you last night- and he's like kewl.. you know for what it was it made me a better person, so maybe the expereine changed me for the better, I mean I don't know...
so anyway to make a long story short the reunion ended up being a collission of worlds and just proves how small and how intimate and messy the g life can really be...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Friday, I saw a production of Othello with Sweetness. The play was "ok", not really my cup of tea, but the surprise of the evening was Sweetness- Lately she's been getting more and more "needy" and demanding of my time.
I.e. Sweetness was upset because I was 30 minutes late to dinner and we had to rush to eat and then get to the theatre, which is across the street. 1st of all, I told her before we even made plans to meet, that I had to work Friday and that I would be late, now I didn't say I would be 30 minutes late, but shyt- I can't help it if Chicago wants to closs down half the fucking streets for the Lasalle Bank Marathon and then not properly divert trafic.
-I loves Sweetness I really do, but sometimes she works my nerves. -
-and to add insult to injury, let's rewind to Wednesday night-
I'm growing my hair out, so when we went out for dinner and a play on Wednesday, I remarked to her that I was going to grow locks. Well if you could have saw her face after I pointed at a gentlemen who had very groomed locks, you mouth would have hit the floor as mine did- especially after hearing her say" well i like your hair straight" and something along the line of "your not going to have that kind of hair if your going to be around me"
Well, to say the least on one hand my feelings were hurt and on the other I was like you wanna know what I'm grown and shyt if your going to discriminate against me because of my hair style I really don't need to be around your old ass anyway!
-"After all its just hair"-
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
At any rate, back to the crazy thing that happened to me- Sunday, after lunch and bomb ass conversation- Sweetness ask me if I can give another one of her freind's a ride home, because dude lives in my neighborhood- Im like kewl- I mean why not? So, We all get in the car, I turn some Betty Carter on, everyone is enjoying the girl, cause she's bad like that- so, we drop off Sweetness, and then proceed up Lake Shore Drive to Hyde Park- so I ask dude, his address, etc. And you know I know exactly where dude lives, so we pull in the garage and he ask if I would like to come up for a drink, so I'm like what the fuck, after all I've been drinking German beer and Champaigne all afternoon-so, we go up to dudes Condo and he makes me a drik, you know me I'm a grown man, so I have a scotch- he has a martini full to the rim with like 3 olives... so all of a sudden he ask, "do you want so grass" I'm like what? he's like "do you want some grass?" I'm like hell yeah- so I'm sitting here smoking weed with a sixty suttin year old man- that shyt really blew my mind- along with the fact that this man is a widower and now my heart is going out to him and I think he might be my bext "project"-
-You know I think I'm an angel who helps people transition from this world to the next- crazy for an atheist/agnostic right?-
First, I've Been dating and getting some good loving from this one brotha whos visiting from DC and we also get our hug on so you know, I'm souped about that shyt-
Then, I've also, been back dating the Twobrothas who are lovers who want me to be their third wheel- like for real- like married third wheel- saw them the other day after not seeing them in like 8 months, obvious to say them mofos were trying to be shady but still spoiling a brotha- both of them kissed me when they saw me- and were supposed to have dinner with them tonight...
then there's Cutepie, dude I met at a cards party who was there with someone else, who happened to have gotten drunk and was dead sleep at the party and soon as I walked in his eyes met mine and nature kinda just took it's course although my boy said I was wrong for leaving wit dude, I'm like all I did was give him a ride home as I handed him my number and a pentrating smile that made his heart melt-
Lastly, theres SouthsideHomeboy a brotha who hit me up out the blue and we've met and hung out- he's interesting, don't know if he's on my "progressive" level but he's masculine ass hell, works, and is nice, just too damn quiet, and the sweet thing is this brotha done called me 3 times today and sent me like 2-3 text messages- (that's more attention than some relationships have showed a brotha)
Well man, someone must be throwing some steam my way because the iron is hot and damn I've been striking it
Monday, October 03, 2005
It is afterall, the mourning and loss of probably the greatest African American playwright and greatest playwright of our generation along, the likes of Arthur Miller, who also left us last year. It's official the man who gave us classic stories telling and re-telling of what most critics call "the African American expereince in America" through the eyes of Troy Maxon, Ma Rainey, King Headley, Boy Willie, Aunt Esther, Citizen Barlowe, Young Blood, Levee, and a sleu of other characters, who affected and infected us with the reminders of sacred blood/ youth/ dreams/ heartache and heartbreak because of this man/ or that woman/ or simply because the color of one's skin-
Yes, it is true, August Wilson is gone but surely not forgotten-