Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Unsatisfied

Damn, I just ate two oranges, and two tv dinners and I wonder why I need to take my ass to the gym and get a work out. Not to mention, I'm doing a project where I'm supposed to be "extremely sexy" and this lil bit of belly ain't considered sexy by most. To me, I think it's a lil sexy! Well, I think it's me- it's the soft part of my personality. It has the muscles underneath but that soft shell is covering it.

But at any rate, it reminds me of being a kid, kinda having your belly poke out and you not really caring! Your like whatever the fuck, wanna play hinding go seek- or hiding go get it if you nasty..lol. Well at some point and time, I started becoming aware of my belly and the fact that other people reacted negatively towards it. Well, I started working out- Got to get rid of this belly, people don't like it! Well, when I did that I lost a part of myself- That part of me that was satisfied with having a lil belly, really not paying it anymind because I didn't even know it was there. It was simply just a part of me.

Well again I'm faced with losing this part of me, especially in a day and age where men, especially homothugs are supposed to be either really built or really skinny. So, what should I be skinny or really built? Well, how bout something in the middle, like a thick ass brotha without the belly!

WEll, what's the point of all this belly talk? Well, sometimes, I think I resist really getting in shape because I'm afraid of success or failure, I'm not sure which. My theory is if I really hit the gym the way I'm supposed to, then I'll get more attention, which is kinda good. But, with this attention comes the risk of being found out to be a fraud. Because what happens when everyone realizes I'm more than just some body boy? That I cry, that i like to cuddle, that i love my momma, that i fall in love hard, that i'm an ole fashioned kinda guy, with a city sense-- When I reveal the deeper realms of my soul? Well, I kinda know what's going to happen- Well at least what's happened in the past- certain people will run away.

Not too many people want to deal with reality these days! We much prefer to leave in a world where we really never fully communicate or reveal ourselves to each other, anyway. We always say were want to be close to each other but we push each other so far away to prevent being "affected". As if that is the most fucked up thing in the world. Lord forbid that anyone should ever have an affect on us, that would just be a damn shame, now wouldn't it. So, I'm going to say bye, bye to my belly and hello to embrassment, because that's how I'll feel with everyone thinking I'm some body boy, when in reality I ain't.


3 comments:

Ricky said...

I had to post on this one. In 2004 I lost 70 pounds and guys I had been interested in before the weight came off when I was heavy were now suddenly interested in me because I shedded this 70 pounds. It was cool at first with the attention but it was only physical because even though I lost this weight I am still the same "fat boy" just now I am a "thick boy" with the same personality with a slight different outlook on life.

Rod said...

Be careful: you don't want to lose the weight and still be "unsatisfied", LOL. There's something about the human condition that makes so many of us addicted to "more".

I'm 6'4, and grew up very thin and skinny. Some years back I vowed to hit the gym. Well, that was seven years ago, and even though I'm considered a 'body boy', sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like the skinny runt. Geez, I was competing and feeling inadequate. But, I'm all over that now. Most of it, LOL.

I am enjoying your blog. I'm going to start checking in with you regularly.

Rod
Brotha2Brotha.Blogspot.com

SmilingOnThaDL said...

Great Blog!

If you looking to lose your belly do it for yourself. In 2004, I lost 54lbs. It is great to get attention. Unforunately, we do live in a world where the first thing we judge a person is their looks. But, we must stay strong, brothers still like bruhs in the middle, I know I do!