Stop the car, I want to get out

Ok, it's 3:17 in the morning. I just got out the shower after driving home from some triffling ass brothas house where I received some medocre OR (oral relations). I'm pissed off, not only at the this brotha's medocre DSS (dick sucking skills) but at my self and the world.
I set myself up for the following bull shyt and got to get it off my chest so I can get some ZZzzzzz's....

#1 wasted my fucking time with some brotha who I don't know, but I always claim I'm looking for a cuddle buddy. (If I'm looking for a cuddle buddy, why'd I throw his damn number out the window on the way home? [see #4])

#2 empty ass "sex" I'm so tired of getting off just to get the fuck off I don't know what to do. But most brothas I meet don't want shyt or I ain't into them or they ain't into me.

#3 this brotha was a muthafukkin liar. So, I went over there to kinda get my dick sucked but then decided we would just jerk off and then I would go home. Of course this mofo got to want to suck my dick and I got to be stupid enuff to let him. So, while he sucking my dick, I want to play wit his ass, he like nah! He ain't comfortable wit it. I'm like kewl- ain't shyt! Well long and behold this mofo get's comfortable and I get a little look at his booty and shyt, and god damn I know I just started back eating pork, but I ain't want no chitterlings!

#4 this brotha was hiv+ and ain't say shyt. Trifflin ass niggah. Glad I ain't try to fuck him. Yeah I use rubbers, but damn dude- speak up tell somebody suttin. Don't invite me to get a towel to wash my dick off and then I see a fucking closet full of meds. And knowing ya know my noisy ass has to go investigate to see exactly what type of medicine this brotha is taking because of course he just sucked my dick, when we were just supposed to jerk off.

#5 so you know after learning #4, my ass is too through and I walk quickly to my car and grab my hand sanitizer, start sanitizing every fucking thing in sight, my hands, dashboard, car keys, my dick n balls (no lie)!

Shyt, what can I say even though a brotha is highly educated I'm still ignorant and scared as fuck. This is a blog, I'll have to follow up on later. Until then someone drain my fuckin tank of gas, so I can't do this shyt again.

Things i missed today...

abandonment- not worrying about shyt, having faith that everything would fall in place

my family- going off to college and pursuing my dream doesnt allow me the amount of time i wish i had to really spend time with my fam

my best friend- my best friend passed away about two years ago- there's not at day that goes by that i dont think about her.

eating fried fish sammiches and drinking coronas w/ my friends on the east coast

cuddling w/ someone special

being in love w/ someone who loves me back

driving to philly on the weekend

long talks with my freind in philly

catching a hack w/ pooquie and just enjoying his conversation

Poem #2- we must take care of each other

The quest for knowledge
Is avoiding insanity
N ya see the one problem is
I have always been nosey
So this quest for knowledge has sometimes put me in a place/a corner
Where no one else sees/feels/hears or relates to
Bravery/strength/compassion
They call them selves
Sexy/exotic/hype/hott/southern/sexual/hung/big/vers/top

/bttm/playful/submissive/dominant/short/tall/big/small/thugs
But I call them men
I look at this men
knowing what I know, but wouldn’t have known what I know
if I hadn’t been nosey n the first place
I see pain/shame/dignity/strength/sex/love/hurt pain/trust/distrust/ & fear of betrayal
These men speak/write/sing/dance/walk/stroll/ their truths
While others selectively
Reveal their inner truth or should I call it fear
Fear might be most appropriate
B/c it is fear I expereince when I look/see/sense/hear/taste/touch/or discovery
That one of these men are hiv+
My heart flutters/my bones shake/ my breath is short/ my mind divulges into painful memories of where perhaps even I wasn’t safe
& shyt sometimes I think I’m going to faint
becuz they say that 1 in 3
men who have sex with men
consider ur self whatever u please
dl/gay/bi/str8/yrself/normal/
r infected with this virus
they r/ nah/ we are
in the board rooms/classrooms/restrooms/bathhouses/house parties/sex parties/buses/trains/planes/Africa/indoseia/asia/

subsurbia/Europe/france/italy/rome/America
Next door/down the street/on the block/ rocking children to sleep
These silent soldiers
Fighting against disease
Rarely do we hear the moans, see the scars, the lesions, that are words have inflected upon those with this syndrome that was acquired and is taking over their human bodies
Too often we just about and see people with A I D S, but really is it never SAID
that ignorance kills people off more than the virus……
that words hurt
the words n actions bring turmoil to ones soul
ya see
we must educate
promote
become aware
protect
and love one another
it is essential that we take care of each other
to my brothas n sistas
with this virus that scares me
I suffer from my own ignorance
Please forgive me

Cant/wont/allow myself to move

i haven't posted n a minute, cause i aint had much to say

then suddenly i awoke n my feelings- my next few blogs will be poems that i created while i was n this place..

can't/wont/allow/ myself to move

I see u but I cant
I Refuse/ to step an inch n ur direction
Cause i can only
Imagine/envision
Our bodies interwined
N the love I feel
This feeling I feel
Is overwhelming
U make me sweat
Like apples n heat
Like blistering skin on a hot day
My mouth becomes dry when I try to utter a word in ur direction
I’m paralyzed
I cant move
And any thought of loving u makes me swell
And I can’t
I refuse
To move
In ur direction
To even let u know that I’m the tiniest bit
Interested
Becuz
N the end
I’m the one going to be left alone
N hurt
Becuz
U can’t love me
Becuz
I aint no body boy
I aint thugged out
Aint got the biggest dick
The best azz
Wont suck ur dick
Let u objectify me
Stomp on my heart n walk away…
becuz I’m actual quite sensistive n educated
And for whatever reason
I’m not what u find attractive
So I squint
In the darkness of the realms
Just to be in ur presence
To think/hope/dream/wish
That one day u might love/make me safe/ take me in ur arms
And make this ugly man something u consider beautiful
Becuz I’m overwhelmed by u
Ur voice/Ur smile/Ur skin/Ur hair/Ur walk… talk …laugh.. ur flava
Damn niggah u make me sweat
And my palms are sweaty & nasty
I cant even approach u
Becuz u put butterflies
N my stomach
Ur presence makes me feel like I’m going to url
Becuz I know u cant love someone like me
I keep telling myself
U can’t luv me/U cant luv me/ he can’t/doesn’t/won’t/ want meant/isn’t capable of loving me
And I squint to stop from staring/from letting u know
That I know/ that n my heart
The beats r African
Drums/Harps/flutes/clarinets/violins play
as I close my eyes
visions of u holding me/me holding u
And the look in ur eyes
Tells me
someone/that u won't
decide to step up/step out
And open ur heart
To someone
Who wasn’t what u thought u wanted/or who u thought
You were going to be with
But
Then
And
While
I was in the corner of my own solitude
Admiring u
U felt something
For that shadow n the corner of the darkness
Maybe it was pity/empathy/hate/love/fear/denial
Or a mixture of all
But u walked over
Looked into my eyes
Felt the heat from my body
The pulsing of my heart
The tremering of these nerves
The shaking of my bones
Took me in ur arms
N made me new

Unsatisfied

Damn, I just ate two oranges, and two tv dinners and I wonder why I need to take my ass to the gym and get a work out. Not to mention, I'm doing a project where I'm supposed to be "extremely sexy" and this lil bit of belly ain't considered sexy by most. To me, I think it's a lil sexy! Well, I think it's me- it's the soft part of my personality. It has the muscles underneath but that soft shell is covering it.

But at any rate, it reminds me of being a kid, kinda having your belly poke out and you not really caring! Your like whatever the fuck, wanna play hinding go seek- or hiding go get it if you nasty..lol. Well at some point and time, I started becoming aware of my belly and the fact that other people reacted negatively towards it. Well, I started working out- Got to get rid of this belly, people don't like it! Well, when I did that I lost a part of myself- That part of me that was satisfied with having a lil belly, really not paying it anymind because I didn't even know it was there. It was simply just a part of me.

Well again I'm faced with losing this part of me, especially in a day and age where men, especially homothugs are supposed to be either really built or really skinny. So, what should I be skinny or really built? Well, how bout something in the middle, like a thick ass brotha without the belly!

WEll, what's the point of all this belly talk? Well, sometimes, I think I resist really getting in shape because I'm afraid of success or failure, I'm not sure which. My theory is if I really hit the gym the way I'm supposed to, then I'll get more attention, which is kinda good. But, with this attention comes the risk of being found out to be a fraud. Because what happens when everyone realizes I'm more than just some body boy? That I cry, that i like to cuddle, that i love my momma, that i fall in love hard, that i'm an ole fashioned kinda guy, with a city sense-- When I reveal the deeper realms of my soul? Well, I kinda know what's going to happen- Well at least what's happened in the past- certain people will run away.

Not too many people want to deal with reality these days! We much prefer to leave in a world where we really never fully communicate or reveal ourselves to each other, anyway. We always say were want to be close to each other but we push each other so far away to prevent being "affected". As if that is the most fucked up thing in the world. Lord forbid that anyone should ever have an affect on us, that would just be a damn shame, now wouldn't it. So, I'm going to say bye, bye to my belly and hello to embrassment, because that's how I'll feel with everyone thinking I'm some body boy, when in reality I ain't.

Pump your brakes..

So, I'm in the grocey store today, picked up some oranges, some apples, like 9 tv dinners(shyt they was on sale), and some egg nog.

Well I get to the counter and this cop is in the other lane. So we make eye contact I'm like kewl. And we keep making eye contact, I'm like igght cutie stop looking at me now, because I'm starting to get them bubbles in my stomach like I want to walk over there and kiss you in ur mouth or hug up on you or something. So, he pays for his shyt and he's out the door. I pay for my shyt and then I'm also out.

Once outside, after I scrap my windows off for the 4th time today (This Chicago weather is trying to get on a brotha's nerves), I get in my car and all of a sudden I start thinking bout this brotha. And I'm sitting there like WTF! I'm like ok, homie get yourself together! I'm imagining him following me and pulling me over to give me his number- now if that shyt ain't crazy I don't know what is. So, I'm an introspective brotha sometimes..lol.. well just about 50 % of the time, cause I'm trying to figure shyt out.

So here it is... I've dated or seen/slept wit/cuddle wit two cops in the past-both were idiots. One made me feel safe like a muthafucka the other was just a wanna be dl straight married homothug asshole..lol... (I can't stand muthafukkas that can't tell the truth and that are two damn old to be telling foolish ass lies- If one more brotha tells me that he's on the dl and he got a girlfreind and then I go to the club and see him, I'm buying an ozzeee and killing everyone...lol..-Nah, I ain't a terrorist!)

So, anyway, I'm sitting here thinking to myself about this green eyed stranger, wait hold up, hazel eye stranger because he was a black man and I'm unraveling my lust for this man and the way in which he looked at me, and dared not to look back. So, I'm driving and driving and long and behold I get in back of a salt truck which throws a shyt load of snow and salt on my car and wakes me the fuck up! This hazel eyed stranger is gone and that brotha ain't thinking about me, so I step on the gas and move the fuck on!

A tall order

A few years ago, I created a personal ad, which resulted in no approriate responses. Don't get me wrong, alot of people replied but of course they must have peeped the pic and hit reply instead of reading the entire ad. At any rate, in terms of what I was looking for at the time, much hasn't changed. I find myself still looking for that story book romance, you know the kind you read in magazines, witness in elderly couples, who still hold hands when they go to the movies.

Well, as I click away on the internet, or walk down the street, or even enter a bar, supermarket, or club, I find myself wishing and hoping to find that one true person who can love me. When I speak of love, I don't mean a conveint love, or a love that is here today and gone tomorrow! I'm speaking of an neverending love, one that is permanent not temporary! A love similiar to the love I experienced the first time I fell in love with a man.

Although, the relationship didn't last, I held on to that love; however not realizing that as long as I held on to it, that I couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to fully love someone again. All this changed my first year in grad school, when I met and allowed myself to love Lot. It wasn't the same love I had when I was 19, but it was a love that I hadn't allowed myself to feel in over 5 years. Lot and I dated for a while and ultimately the "relationship" came to an end. I suddenly found myself broken heart and feeling abadoned.

A few weeks went by and I met Hot who also had recently gotten out of a relationship. Well two broken hearted fools embarked on a dating situation which involved, loving, losing, lying, and hurting the hell out of each other. Well, a week or so ago, this situation finally ended. I found myself awake from this nightmare and realized that I wasn't happy. (This wasn't anything new to more or this person because I expressed this fact several times in the past.)

At any rate, suddenly I decided that I had to make a change or I would always get what I always got from Hot, which wasn't what I wanted or needed. What I want and need is very complex. However I know what I need and want. I need ROMANCE. I need someone who sees me, who hears me, who listens to me, who will hold me in my darkest hour, who will love me even when I feel ugly, to this person I am everything! The sun, the moon, the stars. I am their everything.

To some this may be asking for alot or as by boy Saboy says "that's a tall order". However, all my orders are tall! I know for some my orders wither tall or small will never be filled but for that one person out there who I'm meant to be with.... I'm waiting anoxiously for your arrival into my world- In short, I'm still waiting for my fairytale ending.. tall order or not....

NYE 2004/2005

Last night I did something that I hadn't done in my entire adult life- I spent NYE alone. I decided earlier in the day, that I didn't want to bring a new year in with strangers and since my close freinds all had plans, which didn't include me, I decided that I would take time for myself and the best place for me to bring in the NY would be in the comfort of my own home. So, I came home from work, checked the good ole e-mail, surfed the net for a minute, while listening to some South African Jazz. I then decided to take a good ole bath (hadn't taken a bath in I don't know when, I'm more of a shower brotha). Got out the tub, dried off real good and listened to some love songs on yahoo messanger and laid in my bed. The suprising thing was I didn't feel as lonely as I thought I would- I was actually ok with being by myself for those few minutes/hours. I was enjoying myself so much that I dosed off, until I was awaken by some idiota shooting bullets in the air to celebrate the NY. At first I was frightened- well shyt, I should be after getting shot 2 years ago, but once I calmed myself done, I realized that there was nothing but silence in my apartment. I immediately went over to my computer to turn the music back on, but for whatever reason yahoo messanger wouldn't connect right. So, after a few attempts I said fuck it and laid back down. As my eyes took turns watching the flames from the candles I had lit and the clock, I begin to hold myself in the darkness and appreciate the silence. A freind once told me, that if I could be still in silence, I would hear my soul speak. Last night, that's exactly what happened. My soul told me that it was good that I took the time to take care of me and that it was time to go out and get my tequila on- So, that's exactly what I did.