Thursday, April 28, 2005

Random thoughts

Ok, I've been Super busy in the last few weeks- my job has taken off- if it's not a Board Meeting, it's a Committee Meeting, and if it's not a Committee Meeting, it-s an Industry Meeting, and in the midst of all the meetings are preparing for the meetings- I mean I just can't show up looking sharp without something intellegent or a lil tid bit to share or discuss right? Well, Recently I've been on top of everything except my poetry and pursuing my acting career- I told myself I was going to sign up for this class- but the class started on Monday and I had a Board Meeting on Tuesday and I just didn't get a chance to take the money over there- now I know I can still take the class because it's only one day that I missed I mean come on, one fucking day! But, in the end analysis one day always matters- you know a day late and a dollar short-

So, anyway, we have a office pet now- we found a turtle in the yard and since everyone was worried that it would get hurt or eaten I brought a turtle cage and he sits over on the cabinets bored out of his mind, but safe and being feed- but then again he could have been free, unsafe, and find his own food right? It's amazing how we as humans have this instinctual reaction to "save" things but then enslave them for our own pleasure- Hmmm- just something to think about-

What else is going on? Oh, well I got called in to audition for Purlie at the Goodman- I was kinda excited until I realized that the audition is today and I'm not necessarily prepared. I mean they gave me two days to prepare a song from a "Black Broadway" show and prepare a side- and I'm sorry but I haven't had time to do much of anything- I've been too busy playing God of War on play station and avoiding going to the gym- but I've promised myself I would go back this week, I don't want to look a hot shitty mess 4th if July weekend. So, getting back to the poing- So, here goes yet another opportunity- another audition for another part that I'm probably not right for because I can't sing worth a lick! LOL- But, telling the truth- I was the kidd they would tell to not sing so loud- So, Purlie it is, But Purlie I ain't- but then again I really don't know- So, I'm comtemplating cancelling my audition with of course 4-5 hours notice or trying to prepare and going in and seeing what happens- At this point don't know- maybe if I didn't need the sheet music for the song, It would be easier to decide.

Ok, what else is going on in my world- oh, earlier today I was being nosey reading pages on blackplanet- why in my fucked up mind would i invite madness into my life so early in the morning? don't ask me- i obviously lost all my sense years ago- so I'm on BP reading and it is pure madness- why black people got to act boogie- just cause u got internet access doesnt mean u all that- shyt its a commonality these days- shyt if u aint got the internet or at least can take ur ass to the library to get on the internet u just plain old COUNTRY! And that shyt makes even me mad as hell- Welcome to the 21 Century asshole.... lol-- No, this is the funny thing, years ago when I first got an e-mail account I gave my e-mail address to someone and my mother overhears my e-mail address and she replies what is up with this "hotmale" thing?? I'm like HUN????? I finally get it- and I'm like mom it's hot "MAIL" like the mail you get in the mailbox- damn some folks are so slow or just left behind- but then again whats the difference?

Monday, April 25, 2005

Crazy Ass Bloggers

LOL- Blogging just to let everyone know- I'm alive- I'm here I'm just reading other people's madness for a while- LOL- I guess there is one place where EVERYONE belongs and thats the fucking INTERNET- Shyt, be who you want but leave me the fuck alone with the bullshyt- At any rate, got my laugh on today thanks to some crazy ass bloggers-

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Random Things About Me

I copied this idea from another blog, but hey----

10 Things about Me
I'm Black
I'm Not Heterosexual
I'm Romantic
I'm a country boy with City Dreams
I love Hard
I love the Movies: Closer, The Color Purple, Antowne Fisher, & Ghost
Most people think I'm "hard" but I'm very sensitive
I'm a poet
I got shot two and a half years ago
I have few freinds, but those I have are close freinds

9 Ways to Win my Heart
Send me Flowers
Accept me as I am- help me to grow without trying to change me
Be progressive
Be honest- no matter how I react
Let me know that you love me- let me know how u feel about me
Call me just because
Hold me when I cry
Make me feel special even when I don't feel that way
Make me laugh

8 Things I want to Do Before I die
Deal with my issues
Fall in love fearlessly
Travel to a few Distant Countries
Have a child
Learn how to forgive
Meet more good freinds
Publish a book of Poetry
Perform on Broadway

7 Things I believe In
Love
Destiny
Freindship
Karma
Determination
Commitment
Beating the Odds

6 Things that get me Mad
Ignorance
Self-Hatred
Hate PERIOD
Racism
Sexism
Homophobia

5 Things I'm afraid of
Being Murdered/ Abused
Getting my heart broken
Hiv/AIDS
Liars
Not making the most out of my life

4 Of my Favorite Items In my Room
My poems
Pictures of my freinds
My music collection
My bed

3 Things I do everyday
Brush my teeth
Wake up
Read

2 Things I need to do right now
Get some work done
Relax

1 Person I want to see Right now
My best freind who passed away two years ago- not a day goes by that I dont want to talk to her

Change or Where Do I Belong (draft)

My "Mentor" B always says "Either your part of the problem or part of the solution" So, in the last few days i've been pondering which Am I? I often talk with my close freinds about the issues that face SGL men & women but is talk enough? I complain about the lack of "masculine" brothas working "on the issues" and the lack of "masculine" brothas working for "gay" rights, but is complaining enough? Well, I've been flirting with the idea of joining one of the Committees for this year's Windy City Pride AKA Black Pride- (on one hand I'm laughing my ass off because I remember a few years ago saying that I was comfortable with myself but not the leader of the Gay Pride parade obviously this is changing)

The Twist & Turns of My Life (draft)

Well, where do I start- let's start with the postive things- Yesterday I got my first Pedicure! The Chinese lady at the salon worked the hell out of my feet and calves while the Electroni massage took me off to some never ever land. I felt like the white lasy in the Calgon take me away commercials. I also got my first Manicure; Originally I just went in to soak my feets but since my Ex's interview was taking FOREVER- I said what the hell, go on and get all this dirt out of my nails also- I was truly PAMPERED!!! Chinese people can be so helpful especially when their just not making your food- Ah, whatelse... My job has actually become tolerable so maybe I won't be quitting as soon as I thought- I think a big part of it is I just don't let folks work my nerves that much anymore, besides what's the use of having high blood pressure, high cholestorel, & diabetes-

I only went in for the pedicure while waiting for my Ex to finish with his interview- well the negro took over two hours so I went back in and let them give me a manicure also- I was pampered for over an hour for about $25 bucks- not bad if you ask me- Also, I got the time to just let loose, let my mind go for a while and not worry about anything- not my crazy ass Ex, not my job, my career, my weight, my intellect, my dreams/ aspirations, family, freinds, my looks, NOTHING! Just let go and relaxed.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Frustration with My Ex

Ok, so I backslid- went back to shacking up with my Ex Hot- it felt good for a minute but it's the same script/ same cast/ same issues/ same problems

I.E.
I just got back to work from my lunch break, I went home to eat- I mean I live all of 7 minutes away from my job, and I open the door there is my Ex making me a sandwich in his pajamas and Judge Judy is on the tube- I'm trying to enjoy my sandwich but I'm so disgusted with my ex's "going back" behaviors- It's like were a couple all over again- and we AINT a couple- were just laying up and fucking- but it's like last year all over again- me coming home from work or school and this brotha laying up in the crib, playing on the net or making me sandwich and then playing on the net or watching Judge Judy/ Jerry Springer/ Peoples Court in short TRASH!!! All fucking day! Now, I know a last week I wrote about how I wanted to quit my job but not to stay home and sit on my ass ALL FUCKING DAY!!! To be happy and more productive-Well, I don't know if this brotha is depressed and just lazy as fuck-- all I do know is that it's time for his ass to go- and this is the kicker the mofo ain't brushed his teeth since he woke up- when i ask him did he brush his teeth he said nah, i will when i get up- i aint been in nobodies face- i was like wtf it's about taking care of yourself- to which he replies that i need to shave or trim up my beard- and you know i'm like muthafucka least i got a job- and i'm going to the barbershop they can trim it up- I really need to talk to my barber about giving me this one week haircuts-

Ok, back to the subject at hand- your problem asking your self why am i being bothered-
well honestly- i love the brotha- he's met my family and they actually like his black ass- the sex is the bomb and I've allowed myself to feel again and actually be honest about majority of the things that I'm thinking and feeling although, ain't like i cant find someone else who I will allow myself to be honest with or have even better sex- or who has a job and doesn't think their shyt doesn't stink..or that their god's gift to the world-

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Deletion of Cutiepie

Per the request of Pooquie- here's the status with cutiepie. <----- (Notice how he's name ain't in color no more- hint, hint, hint.)

Well, everyone remembers how crazy I was about cutiepie a few weeks ago- Well with time things wear out I guess, especially when a brotha wants you to chase after him- so I left well enough alone- Well, the last straw was basically when I would log on the net and see this negro on line but everytime I talked to him, he talked about how busy he was. and it wasn't only that he was on line he was on men4sexnow.com I think that' the correct website with his dick out- and remember I didn't meet this brotha on the net- Initially I started to call his ass and ask him what was up, but declined because he's a grown ass man and that's his right to hoe his ass out if thats what he wants to do- shortly after the 1st time I saw him on the net, I saw him out and you know we hugged and talked for a while- then I left it alone, started calling him maybe once a week, wasn't trying to cramp his style and since he was so busy anyway- what difference did it make? Ah, our last two encounters have been pleasant- not pleasant like me running up in him or kissing him in his mouth but you know standard greeting with a nice hug and then go on about your business.... the 1st of the last two episodes concluded in me asking him"when were we going to fuck?" I mean shyt, he's on the internet looking for sex anyway- so shyt if you want some dick, it's right here----but anyway the brotha was like smiling and shyt but wasnt giving a brotha NO play and NO ATTENTION... so I ain't slow- ain't nothing slow but my piss and that ain't tooo slow.. so, I left his ass alone- but not before we had one good night- this was the night that i went over the brothas house before going to go see a play- wrote a poem about it- search the blogs to read it- cause the brotha had me OPEN....

But at any rate, that one night was kewl ass hell although he ain't give me no booty or try to get any- I still think he's kewl- I'm just not the brotha for him- and that's kewl- it is what it is....

So, where am I at now? Hold your breathe- but back fucking with Hot... my EX- yep- I'm back to laying up with my Ex. hey once in a while a brotha needs something familiar and recently I needed to get my skin cleared and because I'm not loose like that, no offense to those who are, but had to go back to something familiar- hey once in a while a brotha wants some d*&%- And that shyt is funny to me- because never thought I would ever say that but hey- it is what it is---- which brings me to the next question- why brothas afraid to admit they give booty up????

Monday, April 04, 2005

Should i Leave or Should i Stay?

For the past few days, I've been thinking about making a drastic life change- one which will impact my ability to date, pay rent, eat, and maybe sleep more or less- At any rate, it's about my own peace of mind. In many ways, I feel a little on the crazy side because I just made the decesion to take on a new job- one at which I've only been working in my new capacity for a little over 60 days. On my hand, I love not having to worry about paying my bills, buying a new outfit once in a while, and calling my momma and not worrying about long distance. However the down side is that fact that people think they can talk to me any kind of way, disrepect me because their "paying my salary" or simply be a fucking nuisance.

Well, Right now, I'm simply not feeling it- I'm not feeling the struggling actor thing- but I'm also not feeling being bored to death or a 9-5 with Evening Meeting becoming my life-

So, what does a brotha do- should I stay or should I go????