Going emotioanlly crazy

Damn yo, lately I have just been urnning for some intimacy- not sex, or maybe sex, but with cuddling and kissing and shyt.

Last night talked to the Leach and he wants to be my "friend", which is not capable and I told him I didn't want to be his friend, to which he replied well can we keep fucking and I was like nah.. I want to move on with my life, although the sex has always been really really good with him, but I really need to be with someone who respects and likes me for me-- you know it's like Mary J says a love that tears you down, ain't really love.. so anyway, this negro had the nerve to ask me for some ass, to which I replied nah, I'm kewl, and if your horney call whomever you've been fucking... to which the conversation ended up becoming a big debate/ arguement about my mouth and me wanting to know everything, and thats its not none of my business, and why does it matter, and blah, blah, blah... So, I responded well if you want to have sex, you first have to answer one question- and you know me, that questions was "how many people have you had sex with since we broke up", to which as always he got real quiet, so I was like you can be honest, which resulted in another arguement to which I ended up hanging up the phone saying when u want to be honest, then we can talk.. until then- you gets no dick, and we aint got shyt to talk about...So, as I hung up the phone and continued doing my housework.

Well 5 minutes passed and the phone rang again and you know who it is, so he's like truthfully I've only been messing aroung with one dude, and his married.. So, I'm like ok.. and he's like, this is his name and this is how I met him, and blah, blah, blah, and then I'm like so is he fucking you or you fucking him.. to which again, he got quiet, so he replies yeah.. and I'm like yeah what, yeah he's fucking me, were fucking each other and I don't have to beg him for ass like I had to beg you.. So, I'm like yo, #1 thanks for being honest, but you know I can never have sex with you again, as my stomach was churning and my heart sank.... so, this lead into a long ass discussion about this and that and whats not, to which I reminded him (my big confession on this blog), yo dummy remember we stopped using condoms a long time ago.. so nah I can't have sex with you no more.. (Disclaimer, please do not leave me comments on how I should practive safe sex!! PLEASE I know this already!) So, anyway, as the tears came to my eyeys and so sick played in my head, I hung up the phone and went to lay down...oh, but not before telling The Leach, I don't care what you think, but your the only guy who has fucked me in 4 years, to which he accused me of lying and said that people talk.... and I'm like what does that mean? And he's like someone told me that they fucked u, and I'm like what-- theres only 2 brothas in Chicago who have ever pentrated me and your one of them, and you know my ex, since he sucked your dick in the bathrooom at the Generator...lol... see previous blog for info on that one...

So, supposedly someone else has fucked me and I'm sitting here like who the fuck is Mystery Man #3, because I know a few brothas done ate the ass, but only 2 have had the pleasure of getting some... so it just got me to thinking and being depressed..and was like what the fuck is going on and who is spreading lies about me? So, anyway, I thanked The Leach for being honest, but that my feelings were hurt and it reminded me of something my Mentor told me 10 years ago, he said to me that I will drive any man crazy and that I shouldn't expect people to be honest if I'm going to crock out and act a fool and cry and shyt once I get done learning the truth.. but my thing is truth is my air, I need it to breathe, to live....And I always want and need the truth... even if I'm going to act up.. I appreciate the truth and live for it... right now I'm hurting and trying to understand whats going on.. asking so many questions, and man it's like last night I was thinking it's like emotionally I'm worse than a woman and possibly will drive anyman crazy...