Wednesday, April 05, 2006

stream of consciousness- good luck comprehending this one

Man, I'm sick of love songs, so tired of tears.... blah, blah, blah, yo why am I not feeling this Cd at all except for So Sick... I mean I tried listening to it yesterday and was like this is so high school... talking bout making angry faces and putting your hands on people.. At any rate, if your thinking about buying save your money or shyt burn a copy... but I wasn't impressed... Anyway..

what this blog entry is really about is my present state of what should I call it depression, anxeity, sadness, gloom, hesitation, frustration, disappointment, and even hope... hope that this is a breakthrough, and that I'm going to get through it.. But, to make a long story short, lately I've been extremely lonely and I have a few "admirers", I guess, if thats what you want to call them- but noone is asking right and I guess I'm starting to think, if it's not them but if it's really me... I mean I've never disputed the fact that I am a deeply flawed human being and even as much as I tried to avoid it, the fact is that I will drive a person crazy.. I could drive a person mad... and for so many years, I've tried to not be vulnerable or to not drive people crazy because of my own insecurities but yet and still I end up pushing people away and driving them and myself into an utter amount of chaos, confusion, and sadness. Right now, I'm so sad I could cry and its not like something or someone could magically appear and adjust it- it is what it is, I am what I am.. I am Mr. Sadandsexy, as I was once referred to or as.. But, yo when will I be able to change, well honestly I alreayd am changing, but when will I be whole, complete, secure, safe? When will I feel, truthfully feel like there might actually be a brotha out there who could "handle" me and all of my emotions.. and there are a slew of them, ranging burning like a hot blaze that killed 4 kids yesterday in Chicago.. and I keep telling myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop beating up on my self, but yet and still I inflict the black and blue bruises across my soul and throughout my body... I'm so damn sick of this...

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