Ok, this morning, I'm having so a don't go back, my feet ain't on backwards moment. So, I get to work and I do the usaul- check the voicemail, check the mail, return calls, check the e-mail- and why do I have not one but two e-mails or offline IM from people from the pass... The first one is from Left, dude I met in DC during the Million More Movement, short, sweet, a whassup, I'm still wit my girl but thinking about you type of e-mail- did I reply nope!! He's going to have to wait- why is it that after a few months people start thinking about me--
So, yo to add weird to weirdom, guess who else pops up from the past this morning, Lot, yep my evil Ex..lol.. nah actually over him, or almost, he still makes me a little nervous when I see him... but other than that and it really aint him, I guess I need him to know how he hurt me, and when I see him, I let him see that, so thats why he cant forget about me, even if he wants to... but anyway, wish him the best and honestly I'm waiting for someone to date, for someone to love as scary as that sounds and feels..
but as a spin off to my last blog, I really feel like I'm losing it, I'm wrapped up in this painful memories of me crying in the dug out of a lonely baseball field and noone hears my cries, when I found my self alone in the dark with no escape then and there I lost myself and found myself and begin to no longer love myself because I was no longer seen- the leaves and ducks all were quiet I couldn't even hear a whisper just the sound of my own saliva as it was crushed and hurled and I was transformed- humilaited, cursed at, spit on, and deeply pentrated to the deep core- and now I'm left to pick up the peices of which will never be an identity because when it comes down to the truth, there is no truth there is only pain, the pain of my brain bashing against my phallic as you brushed against my anus and ripped me out whole, and now I left shattered, scattered thoughts and times and my frame of mind just ain't right and my gift this words is all I have to express the victimiazation that I feel and I feel a burning anger for me/ for you/ I want to lash out to all those who have destroyed my essence/ my being.my core- i want to destroy myself. but i love myself. sometimes. and sometimes i dont- sometimes I think I'm liek jesus - I am my own Messiah and dammit I can blead for myself I don't need noone to bleed for me, sitting in prayer/ waiting on the steps. a bowl of chili/ a young black boy/ dirt/ car/ sream/ run/ etc nigger eat- ur chili- u wanted so now eat/ and i'm standing in the need of prayer calling out for a god who doesn't hear me/ who abadons his young like my father did/ like my mother did/ like i wish i was adopted so i would understand why this thing called love has never called me/ and I'm waiting. wanting. urning. needing . seeking. extending myself out beyond oblivion to expereince this..this .. this... what do we call it, love- this unimagiable, inunhabitable thing- and i keep giving my "love" my affection/ my beauty/ n strength to those who just tend to hurt me the way the factory worker did/ the way the retired teacher did/ the way the Ilatin man did, the way my childhoods mom did- and they have the nerve to laugh and smile and drink wine as they spread my ass apart and partake a feast of my dick with ketchup and hot sauce and they devour it with bread and drink heavily as I sob in the dark, as I look past my pain with some glimmer of hope only to end up bruised again- laying down or sitting up or even smiling but not smiling at all or having my usual sad but sexy look- if there could ever be a thing/ and i just want u to take my picture. and i'm losing my mind. thinking about all the time i wasted/ my stomach is in knots and I cant untie the pain/ the pleasure/ the insanity encripted into my brain- into my soul/ into my psyche/ into what- this is madness and the onkly gift i have is this pen and if the ink runs out what do i have/ what can i give- besides my pain, stained red with ink and blood and urine n feces- what can i give besides my tears and my dick and heart and soul- this pain is too much. i want it to end- dammit what can i give>?