Saturday, April 29, 2006

breaking the silence

Last night, while having a conversation with my mother the question that every non heterosexual man hates and detest came up, no not the who's fucking who and enjoying but the one that to me resembles more ignorance than a little bit- "Emotionalbrotha you don't mess with kids do you"- can you believe that shyt, to which I replied no mom, being gat means you like men and the man who molested me let me remind you once again is some "Straight" pyscho pedofile who gets off on raping and bothering little boys and girls. Ok, I said it! This is a topic I've been meaning to blog about for a minute but have never had the courage or strength, I keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault and I was a child and I shouldn't be afraid to talk/write/cry about it- I think the shame and guilt comes from the fact that when I began to break my silence regarding the issue- the questions of is that why your gay arose and lets not mention that I was so mind fucked that at one point and time I began to enjoy being molested- it made me feel special i guess, it was a secret, a curse, it was a blemish that no one could see, and although this man shoved his dick down my throat until i gagged, at some point i started to like it, isn't that sick?? At any rate, i'm speechless, my thoughts aren;t clear i don't know how to clearly articulate what it is that i'm feeling, i gues sadness, angry, shame, guilt, i dont know....

3 comments:

4GOTTEN1 said...

I was never molested so i can never begin to know how or what it is that you feel. But I think you should write and talk about it. Help guys like me understand it better. Everything about, how it affected your life and relationships the way you view people. Maybe we can talk one day. Anyway man I hope you start to feel a little better.

The LoveHater said...

I need to talk to u EmoBro....

dtownboy said...

It takes courage to talk about something this sensitive. I have yet to tell my family what happened to me in my younger years. I too was in your shoes where i was molested by an older cousin, this went on for years. No one ever suspected what he was doing to me. At first he would pin me down and force himself into me, but after a while i got used to this act and stopped resisting what he was trying to do and began to enjoy it. I really dont know why i never told anyone or made him stop doing that to me. This cousin was killed in a car accident a few years ago, i didnt attend the funeral. I felt sorta relieved but at the same time i had no feelings or seemed to care that he was dead. All i knew was that he could no longer do the things that he done to me when i was younger.
So keep your head up man and stay encourage. This journey is not easy.