Happy B-Day Claystarr

Yo everyone it's my boy Claystarr's birthday, so go hit his page up and send him B-Day wishes.

LOVE & FAIRYTALES

My lil sister posted this on her blog- i'm just sharing it wit yall-

Love sucks and fairytales aren't true.

Remember when you were little and you would think, "This is how I'm going to grow up. My prince will come to rescue me and we'll live happily ever after in the hills with seven beautiful children." Well guess what? That's never going to happen.

In real life, hearts get broken, princesses never get resuced, princes never come, families get torn apart, and there are NEVER any happily ever afters. NEVER.Love sucks and fairytales aren't true.

Remember when you were little and you used to dream? You used to dream of being a star and going somewhere in life and no guy was ever going to stop you, no matter how beautiful he was. And then you grew up, and here he comes, that wonderful boy who stole your heart. But he didn't turn out to be the guy you wanted him to be, he didn't turn out to be the prince who was supposed to rescue you. You never got to be that star, you're dreams crashed as soon as he entered your life. And you never looked back because of love. But that love failed, just as the rest had.

Love sucks and fairytales aren't true.

So many love song have been written, for that special someone who barely notices you. Must I spill my heart out in a million different ways to get your attention? Must I scream until I am out of breath, tears running down my face with such anger, hurt, desperation, of a love gone unnoticed? The girls like me never get noticed. The pretty, smart, nice girls who will do anything just for you to notice us. Can't you see? Can't you see just how much I actually yearn for you? It's the nice girls who always finish last. It's the nice girls who always get hurt. Don't give me shit about the nice guys because they do eventually get someone, even if it doesn't last for long. I want something to last...I'm sick of waiting but I'll wait. I'm sick of getting hurt but it always happens. I'm sick of being in love with someone who doesn't care about me half as much as I care about them. I'm sick of crying over you, and thinking about you, and just I'm sick of you. But you're my favorite drug and I can't get enough. I just can't get enough.

Remind me to never fall in love again.

Remind me to never fall in love again.

REMIND ME TO NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.

Love sucks and fairytales are not true.

Beginning of a New Cocoon

Man, I think I'm about to prepare for this Winter's hiberanation and like every year I'm surrounded by emptiness, loenliness that yearns to drive me insane, but like every year I fight it- so anyway, tonight I attended a dinner and play at the Goodman Theatre- rub elbows with the theatre folk, saw alot of directors, actors, producers, and such- and it's always a blessing to be able to attend this events-

Tonight, as always I got my picture taken and when the guy showed me the picture I was like OMG I really look like a niggah- this reaction is basically based on the fact that I'm letting my hair grow out, so I'm not the usual well kept short or bald cut young man anymore- obvously not, because instead of the normal oh your so handsome, tonight i got your beard is so cute- obvously a lil discord about the fuzzy, although picked out mop on the top of my head- Well i cant lie and say the thought of just running home and cutting my hair didn't cross my mind several times tonight= you know it would help me fit in alot better and of course its playing it safe and i always do look fly with a fresh haircut-

Well, anyway tonight i decided that I'm just going to look a lil not ordanirary cute until i can get my hair cornrowed or twisted or something- in the meantime, i'm just going to be a hairy looking cattepillar- and for now that just what it's going to have to be

Babbling

Ok, I'm so distraught right now- I mean I go through this phases of wanting to be pure and shyt, and then I read, see, or enjoy things which are totally the opposite- or simply extremes of each other- For instance, (and I'm not hating) but one of my guilty pleasures is reading the blog sex in the second city- on one hand, it's B-Boy Blues on the other it's pornography and eventhough it one the award for best LGBT black blog award I feel some kind of way that out of all the LGBT blogs, the one that highlights our dirty laundry is the one that "most of us" voted for to represent us-

Now, don't get me wrong cause I read the blog once a week, but deep inside what bothers me is that the blog is representive of what most of the brothas that I've come across think, feel, and how they live- the problem for me is that I just want to meet one brotha fall in love not lust raise a family and call it a day- the problem is so many brothas are so bust sucking dick and getting fucked in the bathhouses and parks and zoos that i mean shyt are they any good men left- and out of those good men left are there any who are NOT hiv+- Obviously I'm still struggle with being hiv/aids phobic like a mug, and i constantly get on myself about it, but shyt got to be honest, I'm not mature enough to handle so I bow it when I'm approached with it- which bring me to the other contradiction- it's like we as brothas say we want people to be honest with us, but then when they are we react in a negative light- that shyt ain't right- you know yesterday i was having a conversation with an acquantance and we were talking about all the brothas who r single and whats not and i was like well man we want it to come in a certain package and if it ain't in that package we don't want to be bothered-

Ie, if you ain't masculine, tall, sexy, nice body wither that means muscular or skinny as fuck, got a big dick some good ass, extrememly good looking i ain't feeling u- shyt man although i do admire a tall, nice looking brotha i want to meet a brotha who catches me from across the room, like i can't take my eyes of u, the type of brotha that makes me blush, the one who can pentrate my inner most crust to hold the gem i hold dear, who can take away the pain, make me new, kiss me like the dew that wets the grass each morning, soft and wet, delicate and free- one who knows how to be gentle but who i can also wrestle with and cuddle with and cook with and love and hug and hold close- i want i seek i wait for someone to make me pure and empty sex isn't giving me anything that i really need or want- until i meet this man- i'm simply laying beside empty casket that decorate the deaths of bodies that were never alive, people who never touched, never sensed the real me, the deep passion within my heart- the pure part of my heart that besides the three somes, and orgies, and dark nightmares, and the dick sucking, and stranger fucking seeks something pure, some chemistry someone who understands me even in my darkest hour, someone who has the power to love me as my fragile self, and helper to strengthen all the wealth that makes me who i am, complicated yet simple- young yet old, expereinced yet naive, bored yet adventous, professional yet ghetto, torn yet put together, hurt yet loved, guarded yet open, tortured yet free- damn can i just be me

Enough Already

I'm up to my ears in sorrow for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but shyt enough is enough- I'm tired of seeing the pictures, hearing the stories, and more than anything everybody begging for fucking money- How do I know my money is going to get to the victims- I'm not giving one red fucking cent- Now, I will take my black ass down there and change diapers, give out water, read to kids, help build shyt, or do record keeping, but I will not give my hard earned money to every lil person on the street with a Hurricane Katrina can- that shyt is getting out of hand- I had enough- I've had more than enough- and let me not even get on our president and his dumb ass staff- come the fuck on- it took too fucking long to get the fuck down there- and Condelleza should be ashamed- she's watching Spamalot on Broadway and blacks folks down in MS, New Orleans, and a couple of other states are drowning the fucking death- Spam that bitch with a can of shamealot- because she has totallly disgraced black people and then for her to come out of her mouth and say "race had nothing to do with it" BULL FUCKING shyt--- Impeach all them muthafuckas- and do you really think we will ever know the real number of people who died down there- Nah, Mr. I take full responsibilty is definetely keeping that on the "DL"- I could go on and on and on and on and on with my rage and my sorrow but I'll say enough is enough and calm my lil black ass down...

Forgotten Stranger

For the past week, I've been wondering about a certain indivual that I used to have sex with, (I would say date, but we mainly fucked, would hug here and there, but the person had a girlfriend at the time), when I was in undergrad in Bmore, MD. It all started last week sometime, when I awoke from a deep sleep during a thunder storn- his face was in my face, his body pressed next to mine, I could see every part of him- but I couldn't remember his god damn name to save my life- I begin to sense the taste of his kiss, the feel of his arms, legs, butt, face, hair, smell him from near to far, as if he was laying in the bed next to me- however, there was nothing there but the pilllows- my mind begin to drown with thoughts of this tall, young, sweet "boy", (how course I'm sure and hope he's a grown man by now)

I found myself usurped with thoughts and dormant feelings for this ForgottenStranger- as if in some way, i loved this man- not like being in love with him- but some type of deep affection- I mean after all my mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts- imganiing what he might look like now, where he's at, what is he doing, has he "accepted" or come to terms with his sexuality, and basically was he "ok" and alive-

I pondered possible searching for him, but I wouldn't know the first place to go or even if I located him, what would I say- Wouldn't I look like a big ass psycho having after 5 years of not communicating with this guy- locating him and declaring I just needed to know that you were "ok"- that seems a lil overdramatic, but so is life, and so are alot of the thoughts in my screwed up head-

Rant

Unfortanetely this morning 2 people had to have their cars towed on a project that I'm working on- Now, on one hand the notice given wasn't a month in advance- However, neither was it less than 48 or even 72 hours. For whatever reason some of us just don't R E A D! I sent out a notice 5 days ago in reference to the project- then just yesterday I sent out a reminder and on Friday had my assistant call all those who are affected by this project- why still did 2 cars have to be removed- well lets say maybe two cars is better than 6 which is the original # of people who were parked this morning when I came in at 7am versus my regular 9am. Why did the 4 people who came down to move their cars only after I called their home #, cell #, & Emergency contacts, as well as having an employee knock on their doors? WHY don't people read? Can someone tell me?

L.I.F.B.F.B.

Life is sometimes a crazy and mysterious thing,

last night, as I slept within a drunken stooper-

In deep sleep I dreamed.

terrorized by secrets and fears which held me to corners of the walls

shattered by the images that overwhelm the goodness inside of me- as I constantly search out the bad and restore it with good- as I remain attached/ embroiled by my innonence and perserving some of it- so perhaps it can't all be tainted- all misused, maybe there will be some for my husband to lay his dreams upon as we lay into the night holding each other so tight that noone can harm us.........................

all the while i shake and trimmer from

Fragments of my youth--- of my innocence

i constantly turn, roll, whimper in my sleep for the lil boy inside me who the man is still chasing around, only now he has the resources to escape- only now does he know he has a bigger brother/father/guardian angel/ spiritual self to help guide him through the dark streets, overcrowded hallways, big bright lights, guns, violence, restless nights and I wake up with the sweating on his behalf, but now we always fight back we always escape- However,

Before the nights laying with men but still being in empty arms...

he never fought back, he would cry and wish that someone would come and help him, save him, for his misery only to find noone ever did- he grew and shielded himself with a new shell, a new self that protected the essence of his core, the innocence/ the longing to be carressed, and sheltered, and loved, inside deeply tucked away so noone could tarnish it--

Last night I had a dream, a dream of being chased, of being tortured of someone putting my family in harm- in for once, I didn't allow the fear to paralyze me, I didn't allow the fear to chase me away, I didn't allow the fear to numb, me I faced the fear...... I know longer allow the fear of my dreams to......... It mat sucuub to my body and make me shake and swirm, it may make me whimper or scream, or mumble in my sleep but I now live with fear but fight it back.

Saturday Night

Well, it's Saturday and there's so much going on in Chi and what am I doing?
I'm sitting at home listening to Nancy Wilson drinking a beer

- ain't that some shyt-

Well, told myself that I wasn't going to overwork this weekend- especially since this is my last holiday weekend until Thanksgiving, although I'm going to go the the Million More March and possible with some SGL brothas

- don't know thinking about it-

I never have been in that situation before and thinking about it makes me a lil nervous but it's more about what people are going to think of me and the fact that people will know that I'm "gay" because I will be walking with the other brothas with the banners--- but don't you think it's so cute when u see the pride parades and there's two masculine brothas walking together hand in hand- (Nancy is singing with my lover beside me- so ironic)

At any rate, on this Saturday night I find myself enjoying the comfort and company of myself and my lil bad ass puppy who decided to try and shyt in my kitchen right after I took him out for a walk

- so you know I had to beat that ass-

Well, i beat his lil ass and then made him go to bed- I let him sit and that damn kennel for like 15 minutes and then let him out and gave him some puppy food mixed with mac n cheese and ground beef for dinner- he needs to pick his weight up- and who would know my lil ass dog would like mac n fucking cheese- and shyt it's made by my mom- she made a big ass pan before she left, I've been eating that shyt for going on a week- nothing like home cooked food-

Well, really aint got much to say- figured I'd blog for tha sake of blogging keeps me off A4A and other sites-- soo....

Living in Our Last Days

like ole folks been saying for years- were living in our last days- Now, like the comedian on Womens comedy jam thats some fucked up shyt to tell a child, but unfortanately, like the last few hundreds of years- "we living in our last days"

Proof of this is......

the damn hurricanes that done tore New Orleans/Mississippi/ n everywhere else up and down and all around- + a read an article that were going into a 20 year cycle of hurricanes which are going to get worse and worse and worse- and then you know they said that Cali is going to seperate and be its own island- and shyt after that massive sunami who knows when that shyt is going to happen- next thing you know there will be a valcano erupting somewhere or a killer tornado or some more killer waves of shyt just let the sky crack open and call it a day......

At any rate, another crazy thing that done happened

Yesterday I read about some 14 year old boy who was found suffocated and sexually abused in a park- supposedly, he had met a guy off the chatline and then myseteriously he gets found butt naked with one sock on and his cell 2 miles away- what kind of shyt is this? The abuse of gay folks is getting way the fuck out of hand- I mean shyt the boy was 14- and the thing that bothers me is since the coroner said that the cause of death was suffocation did the person fuck him before or after they smothered hsi helpless body? Things that make u want to dig a whole and hid or beat someone with a bat- and shyt is he's killer gay or "straight" and if his killer is gay- what would make u kill a 14 year old boy?

What the fuck is really going on?

So, like I said we living in out last days- actually last night I was thinking about it- like because I don't believe in "god" and i was like maybe i need to- but then at the same time don't want to convince myself to believe in something simply because of fear- and yada yada yada- me going through my typically philoscophic thinking process- so I was thinking I recently saw the Chicago version of Wicked- and at one point Elphaba sings" If something bad is happening to the animals, someones got to tell the Wizard, that's why we have a Wizard" and it hit me insert homos/gay folks in for animals- and If something is happening to the homos/gay folks someones got to tell the Wixard thats why we have a Wizard- well- shyt isn't it? Isn't that why we have a "god"- and just like the people of Oz, well have to learn that the "Wizard" is behind it all-

It couldn't happen here in ....