Friday, January 20, 2006

Day 1: Facing fear

Ok, yesterday I did exactly what I said I was going to do... I got off work and took my ass to the gym... I hit the elipitical for a good twenty minutes burned like almost 200 calories.. but that ain't what suprised me.. what surprised me was that as I exercised my ass was sweating like a fucking monkey and I kept repeating stop being a fat but that ain't the kicker the kicker is it hit me or as Martha says in Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf... it went snap.... I think the reason I've allowed myself to gain so much weight is fear... fear that I won't be enough even with a nice ass body... fear that I won't measure up with other men...fear that I won't be able to lift as much, ran as fast, blah, blah, blah.. I could go on and on... I.E. some of yall know and some of yall don't.... but I'm actor.. that's kinds my side hustle... and I guess my weight has allowed me, while still getting work, it's allows me to blend in more with Midwestern brothas and that type of thing... and also I think I feel real insecure about myself- my looks, my intelligence, my emotional burdens. my sexuality, my life, my life .... my life.. i also think I need to deal with some of the childhood issues.. like being abused, feeling abandoned.. that kind of thing... and I think that in some part of my head, if I allowed myself to gain some weight brothas who maybe I was more "compatible" with wouldn't pay me as much attention and I would be "safe".... Safe as in unaffected and untouchable... not reachable or in grabs or distant... and to think I used to refer to myself as being approachable and gasp...."vulnerable".. Man, life and your mind can play some fucked up games on you.... At any rate, I got a good hour and half work out and then went swimming and hit the sauna... a brotha was sweating like I don't know what.... so, anyway, went home chilled out.. got to bed kinda aerly like 12:00 midnight, drank a protein shake before bed and then when I woke up and then here at work... but yo why I got diarheaa??? LOL>.. For real, I guess all the fat is coming out???? Anyway, man I feel good today... getting some things in control.. or I guess as much as you can control them... but then again are we ever really in control... shyt makes u go hmmmmmmmmm.... but not to go on and on and on on a tangent but who thought that working out one day would bring a major break thru like that... and yo why in the locker rooom did the brothas get to talking about they daddies... speaking of I'm going to go check out Fences at the Court theatre soon... nobody talks about their daddy more than the great August Wilson, and boy does he do it in Fences..... so, a brotha going to have to go get some culture points and check it outttt..... Well, I better go take another cap full of Pepto Bismo, cause I got to hit the gym again today to do upper body and get my swim on and I'll be skipping the few pitchers of beer, just for this week cause my Doctor has me taking this damn anitbotics for this fucking ear infection.... well anyway.. they always said the truth would set u free.. seems as if with the weight on and getting it off both has a brotha scurredd.... shyt I kept telling myself "don't be scurred"-- but damn a brotha is... what will become of me?? who am I anyway? Am I my resume? that is a person I don't know... who do they want me to be? I do I try to be.... lol.. had to buss a Chorus line out.. shyt can't dance the part but maybe just maybe I might be able to sing it...........*putting my shower cap on* Lalallalalalallalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh


Unconquerable Soul said...

man, you know i love you! seriously, i love your honesty... and i always love when i read your blog and i feel the same way... man, don't yesterday be your last, i'm sure you will lose as much as you want.. just remember to do if for yourself.. peace

The LoveHater said...

Good for you man, I'm glad you're off to a good start. Each day you'll go a little longer until you're on there for a whole hour burning 700 calories [that's what I'll be doing in a few minutes]! Just don't forget to bring your walkman!

Even with a great body not everyone's gonna want you. Keeping your body tight is for YOU, your health and mind, not to pull trade. What pulls and KEEPS a man in who you are inside.