2nd Tears of the year & the write-up

So, long and behold, my assistant is running stuff back to my supervisor and now I, who was called the Best Manager this muthafucka got is in the diggeggy dog house.... So, yesterday I had the meeting with my supervisor and the president of the company to which they dogged me out because of everything my assistant has run back and said although, they claim "residents" called and informed them.. now, you, i and everybody mama knows that some stri8 up horse shyt.. but whatever... so in the meeting, i was told, that a resident called and complained that i was drunk on my job which is a LIE! I told them in the last year, I've might have had 4 drinks at work, 1 was at the holiday party, 1 was in the privacy on a unit, and the other two times were at business meetings... but I have NEVER been drunk at work nor has "my breath" ever reaked of alcohol because I drink absolut and abslout ain't got no smell... so I know they on bullshyt...

At any rate, so I also got reprimanded about a decesion that I made, to which my reply was at the time that was my decesion, I stand my my decesion and it resolved the issue, which was case 10 and noone was assisting me with resolution of the issue. Now, maybe I had a lapse in judegement, however, at the time I did what I had to do, and it is what needed to be done.

Now, eveything else I got repremanded for was bs that the assistant ran back and told... and you wanna know what it's all good cause u got one time to burn me then I'm done fukking wit u... will be no more lunches on me... going out for drinks wit me... nada, nuttin, NOTHING at all... In fact, this year noones getting a birthday cake brought by the manager.. people on they on... I mean I got to treat everyone the same, so that means nobody gets nothing, because someone has spoiled it for everyone... Oh well....

and last but not least, I do a damn good job, I bust my ass for this company and for you to treat a brotha like dooo--dooo just aint right... now, did i make some mistakes, yes, probably so- do I deserve to be unsupported and trashed.. HELL Nah... I'm the one busting booty not yalll.. and if anything teach a brotha... scold me, yes a lil... but too make a brotha break tears after leaving the meeting... that just ain't right...... but a brotha held it together until he got to the car.. then all the rain just came falling...... and it's still falling.... but god damn i'm still doing my job...

Office Drama

Ok, so two days ago my supervisor was in my office when I got in, now yeah it was 9:45a.m. However, I was at the Corporate Office picking up some documents so I wasn't worried about my apparent "lateness".. What did worry me was the fact that shortly after she left, I received an e-mail that stated she wanted to have a meeting with me and my assistant and another co-worker.. that meeting was scheduled for today... To say the least for most of the weekend I was nervous and dreading this required staff meeting, not to add this was the first one of this sort in the year that I've worked for this compant... So, at any rate, after receiving notification I composed a memo informing the required parties to take their lunch prior to the meeting and the to meet at the corporate office for a meeting with my supervisor.. so why in the hell did my assistant ask me today if she had to skip her lunch to attend the meeting?? Ok, now this is my 3rd assistant but damn can this one also NOT READ??? So, I'm like please refer to the memo that was distrubuted last week as I continued to finish my Management reports and finalized contacting vendors who hadn't turned their shyt in.... So, the moment I had dreaded was here.. it was 1:00p.m. and here I was sitting in the Conference Room being repremanded because someone reported to my supervisor over the past 4 MONTHS.. BULLSHYT... that the behavior in the Management Office has been inapproriate..supposedly someone reported that I drink cocktails on business time and that my behavior towards my employees is unprofessional... not someone might have heard me repremanding one of my employess and at times I can be too harsh... however, if I drink at work it's after 5 o'clock and not on company time. In fact, it's normally within someone's unit. But, at any rate.. something smells like shyt to me...

So at any rate, I was given a formal warning that the bahavior must cease at once and cold professional should be maintained if "we don't know how to behave on a personal level".. So, as soon as I got back to the office I went straight into cold professionalism I created procedures for everything that I've been complaining about my assistant not doing correctly... and by the end of the week all the employees will have standard procedures and manuals and time guidelines....

But, low and behold, no body called.. my assistant was running her mouth the day I was late (at the corporate office) and she informed my supervisor that I called her a bitch a few weeks prior... which I immediately apologized for because it was unprofessional and out of hand....but I did receive a report from a resident that my assistant was in the hallway talking with a co-worker about the manner in which I repremanded her and how she doesn't understand why I'm making a big deal abouut her not doing her job correctly... now aint that a bitch... #1 your not supposed to discuss business information with co-workers.. and #2 why the fuck would u do it in the middle of the hallway and with loud ass tones......i got one thing to say keep ur volume to a minimial and watch who's listening because of course someone going to come back and tell me what happened.... and tell what u wanna tell but u wanna know what ur still on probation and I'm keeping notes on ya.... so go, run AND Tell that....

Day 4 or 5 (Stilling Hitting the gym)

Ok, this is my body on day five or working out... now to me I don't look like i weigh 215 and remember I'm 5'10 but shyt the scale don't lie... but anyway.. will post pictures of my progress as a reminder and also a visual way for me to see whats going on....

Interesting questionaire

You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs. Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Day 1: Facing fear

Ok, yesterday I did exactly what I said I was going to do... I got off work and took my ass to the gym... I hit the elipitical for a good twenty minutes burned like almost 200 calories.. but that ain't what suprised me.. what surprised me was that as I exercised my ass was sweating like a fucking monkey and I kept repeating stop being a fat ass...lol... but that ain't the kicker the kicker is it hit me or as Martha says in Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf... it went snap.... I think the reason I've allowed myself to gain so much weight is fear... fear that I won't be enough even with a nice ass body... fear that I won't measure up with other men...fear that I won't be able to lift as much, ran as fast, blah, blah, blah.. I could go on and on... I.E. some of yall know and some of yall don't.... but I'm actor.. that's kinds my side hustle... and I guess my weight has allowed me, while still getting work, it's allows me to blend in more with Midwestern brothas and that type of thing... and also I think I feel real insecure about myself- my looks, my intelligence, my emotional burdens. my sexuality, my life, my life .... my life.. i also think I need to deal with some of the childhood issues.. like being abused, feeling abandoned.. that kind of thing... and I think that in some part of my head, if I allowed myself to gain some weight brothas who maybe I was more "compatible" with wouldn't pay me as much attention and I would be "safe".... Safe as in unaffected and untouchable... not reachable or in grabs or distant... and to think I used to refer to myself as being approachable and gasp...."vulnerable".. Man, life and your mind can play some fucked up games on you.... At any rate, I got a good hour and half work out and then went swimming and hit the sauna... a brotha was sweating like I don't know what.... so, anyway, went home chilled out.. got to bed kinda aerly like 12:00 midnight, drank a protein shake before bed and then when I woke up and then here at work... but yo why I got diarheaa??? LOL>.. For real, I guess all the fat is coming out???? Anyway, man I feel good today... getting some things in control.. or I guess as much as you can control them... but then again are we ever really in control... shyt makes u go hmmmmmmmmm.... but not to go on and on and on on a tangent but who thought that working out one day would bring a major break thru like that... and yo why in the locker rooom did the brothas get to talking about they daddies... speaking of I'm going to go check out Fences at the Court theatre soon... nobody talks about their daddy more than the great August Wilson, and boy does he do it in Fences..... so, a brotha going to have to go get some culture points and check it outttt..... Well, I better go take another cap full of Pepto Bismo, cause I got to hit the gym again today to do upper body and get my swim on and I'll be skipping the few pitchers of beer, just for this week cause my Doctor has me taking this damn anitbotics for this fucking ear infection.... well anyway.. they always said the truth would set u free.. seems as if with the weight on and getting it off both has a brotha scurredd.... shyt I kept telling myself "don't be scurred"-- but damn a brotha is... what will become of me?? who am I anyway? Am I my resume? that is a person I don't know... who do they want me to be? I do I try to be.... lol.. had to buss a Chorus line out.. shyt can't dance the part but maybe just maybe I might be able to sing it...........*putting my shower cap on* Lalallalalalallalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

It's Official- I'm a Fat Ass..LOL..

That's right it's official... I'm a fat ass.... My new medical doctor has put my ass on a fitness/diet rountine... yep, yesterday big boy weighed in at 215 lbs... after steppping off the scale I was like whoa.. I weigh that much.. shyt I don't even look like it...

so at any rate, I asked my doctor about my weight and he was like well yeah that is a lil bit tooo much for your height.. so I was like ok.. and... and he was like well you need to cut down on your calories and hit the gym... do some physical exercise besides fucking...lol.. (I told him that fucking was the only exercise I had done for the last few months..) He told me fucking was good but being so damn heavy was not.. so like damn near everyone else on in blog land.. I'm on the quest to lose 15 pounds... I mean me @ 200 is good, if I get below 190 my ass is going to be too damn skinny...

so I think 5'10 195 or 200 pounds is kewl for a grown ass black man... and shyt I loves to eat... can't help it... greasy burgers.. milk shakes.... chili and cheeese fries.. and a diet coke...SIKE>..lol...

Nah, but man just going to stop eating out all the time and focus on hitting the gym a little more... already today I ate oatmeal and a banana... so I'm off to a good start... shyt, if my finances keep stressing me out I'll lose more weight than I need to... but getting that under control and instead of beating somone's booty up maybe i need to go beat the weights up and shyt once a brotha lose some weight maybe I'll get some dick....lol.. ain't had none of that in a minute...

don't know if because i ain't wanted it or if because the only dude who i would let get some keeps going soft because "I'm boring" and the other niggahs he fucks wit "act" like they be wanting dick and I just be like "man hurry up".. shyt... like what is it about men that makes us want people to idolize their dicks and then get upset when people do... like when you met a butt ugly brotha who got a big peice and all you can say is damn dude "you got a big ass dick"..... they want the attention but then get mad about it...

anyway, why is it that the weight standards are so damn low anyway?? shyt, i know why cause they measuring "white" folks... you know 165lbs on a 5'10 body is too damn skinny... shyt, get a TWO peice and a biscuit... what does Monique say thats why you look like you about to fall out.. anexoric ass.... lmbao.... anyway, a brotha needs to go get some work done.. so i'll holla back... whoot... whoot...

yeah i know that shyt was corney.....

but hey I'm official apart of the big boy club so I got to keep the personailty going cause they saying the body needs work... but on the good side... long as my dick don't start shrinking i'm ok.....well damn i better go check... *looking down*.. well i can still see him, so i ain't that damn heavy.... but still brotha is going on a diet and will be hitting the elipitical tonight...

Nothing going on but the Rent

Man, why is it that some brothas expect you to take care of them?

My belief has always been that theres no romance without finance... and my courrent dating/fucking/hugging situation has proven to me why... For the last month of so I've been dating/fucking/hugging a brotha, well call him WantaNiggahtoTakeCareofme....

WantaNiggahtoTakecareofme is nice looking, nice lil body and the sex is the bomb, of course.. now the brotha isn't really on my level as far as education and job and justr basic common sense qualities in a brotha... like i need a man's man..

I need a man who's going to bust his ass like I bust man, I'm talking straight up hustlin brotha and I'm not referring to selling they body cause I just want a regular professional, family oreintented, loving, caring, progressive brotha who knows that dick and ass doesn't pay the rent....

so at any rate, and although I said I wouldn't date another guy with a kid, I did... so this is what happened... on yesterday dude got his daughter and he kept complaining that he didn't have any money.. now remember he's talking to the brotha who was crying the the elevator of the Daley Center on Friday afternoon and thank goodness my rent or electric bill didn't get cut off cause i got paid earlier but shyt two days later and a brotha is what?? BROKE again.... broke again until 14 more days when I will get paid, pay rent and my other 3 bills with the end of the month check and be broke again.. it's an on going cycle...

At any rate, so I'm like well man, I'm broke..... I would help you but I can't... so he asks me can I give them a ride to the mall...I'm like ok kewl.. and how u going to get back?? He's like well I get "my other freind"-- (basically another dude that he was fucking with, although he claims that they ain't fucking) so I'm like ok kewl... so.. i drop them off and shyt... and then later he calls me cause his daughter left her suitcase and things in my car.. so i say ok well i'll drop them offf... so when i get there, i'm like kewl.. so what yall doing tonight?? and he's like oh were going to go bowling, and i'm like kewl.. where? he's like yadayada.. and I'm like well i can give yall a ride cause that's by my crib, this mofo says well I'm waiting for "my freind: to bring me some money.,.. I'm like ok kewl... whatever and I ride off.. like yo have a good time.... so later on I get a text message from this cat saying,,, he can't take this no more, he's tired of other brothas caring more about him than I do so he don't wanna see me no more... Now ain't that a bitch.. cause a brotha don't want to neglect his bills and really be dirt poor a muthafucka don't wanna see him no more... I guess we have a new guise of prostiution going on....

So, anyway, why is it that some brothas are lazy trifflin negreos think other brothas who are struggling themselves should be taking care of them..?????

Somebody please tell me........

1st tears of the year

Man, oh man, oh man, 2006 has already brought tears to my eyes. Today, I got up early to make sure to make my way to the Daley Center to answer a complaint, which has been brought against me for some bs... why is it everytime someone gets hurt or injured and when they didn't take the proper procedures to protect themselves they want to make someone else liable?

Can someone tell me?

Also, I always think there is a difference between someone who does something and their intentions- I mean they have it in murder cases- theres one code for cold bloodied you don't give a fuck murder and one for oh, shyt that was a mistake or oh my god I didn't mean to but the person is dead and you didn't mean to do it and had no intentions of harming anyone..

So, at any rate, last month I got served this complaint and Tuesday would be the 30th day for me to file my answer with the court.. Now, this isn't and wasn't a problem until when I got down there they told me it cost $163.00 to file the damn response to the person bs claim in the first place...

now, this would have been a problem had I not just wrote my rent check and a $70.00 check to Sprint, leaving my checking account with a $2.00 balance.. I mean a brotha is hurting.. right now... see last post.. Student loan blues.. well at any rate, and a brotha does feel like jumping straight into Lake Michigan and just calling it a fucking life....

So at any rate, it's fucked up when you go to a courthouse, having never been arrested or anything like that and everyone still treats you like a damn criminal.. this one sista said to me after asking her several questions to make sure my forms were filled out approriately.. "well you just need everything today".. i looked at that scank ass hoe like bitch please... I could have punched her in the back of her pesee ass nappy head...but a brotha was like don't be ugly cause this bitch is being ugly and why the black folks got to treat other blacks folk fucked up but the white ones will smile and greet u and answer whatever u ask them... (or at least some of them will)....

so anyway, I stopped going to the sista and directed all my questions to the white lady who tells me that I have to pay the fee and I tell her well if I can't pay it what do I do.. she says you have to see the judge and he only sees people at 11:30 am everyday.. Ok, so much for being to work anywhere near 10:30/11:00..

So, I fill out my papers and get the the court room 20 minutes before 11:30, so I'm waiting and waiting and waiting.. and at 11:30 the judge starts seeing people only to leave at 11:45 without saying shyt to me or three other people so I go over to the court clerk and I'm like ah, is he coming back? I mean like what am I supposed to do? He's like oh, he'll look over your info and sign it... so after waiting another 30 minutes, a lil deaf guy comes out,, like follow me were going downstairs.. So, I'm like ok everything is fine with my form, he's like yeah.. he signed it, so I'm like ok kewl.. I get downstairs and the deaf mothafucka puts me in line with my form and I look at the form the fucking judge denied my request.

So, I'm in line and I jsut start balling and the cashier is looking at me like this mofo is crazy and I'm like ok , what do I do now? He's like go back and see the judge again... so I go back upstairs and of course the judge is gone.. so I talk to the court clerk who tells me the judge left and I'll have to wait another 1 1/2 hours to see a new judge...

So, I'm like I'm going to lose my job and really be fucked up..

so I go back down to the cashier with my credit card and tell him to go ahead and process my paperwork, I mean who cares that my rent and electris bill checks will bounce?? Who cares if Emotionalbrotha has lights on and lives in his car? Who the fuck cares??? Apparently the city of Chicago and the Daley Center and fucking Dorothy Brown doesn't..,

so whatever, just take my money and leave me evicted, lightless, and with no damn car insurance again, so some ass hole can run into my car and then sue me.

.. go fucking figure..

. this asshole runs into me and then sues me.... now if I would have run into him I could see, but come the fuck on.... so, anyway the cashier is like we only take checks or cash, I'm like ok, where is there an ATM.. too bad I didn't bring a check then my rent and electric would have cleared but this check would bounce and then they could come and arrest me for writing a bad check and then my fucked up case would be messed up also...

who the fuck cares right?

Well, I say lets go to the ATM and pay for this shyt, before a judegment gets entered against me by default... I jump on the elevator and the tears come on again.. this financial thing is starting to wear me out and it's getting over fucking whelming.. the more u try the harder it gets the harder the system makes it...so, anyway, I'm on the elevator in tears like a muthafucka, telling myself to get it together because literally everyone is looking at me like I know this big 200 lb muthafuckka ain't crying... but yeah this 200 lb muthafuckka was crying.. so I finally get it together... go to the atm, of course they charge me $2.00 fucking to get my own god damn money.. and I go back in wait in line for like 30 more minutes.. now it's almost 1:00p.m. and I still haven't made it to the office..

Anyway, ole boy waits on me again takes my money, files the damn forms, and I walk to the parking garage only to find that now I have to pay $27.00 for parking... ain't that a bitch.. but beats having your car towed... so anyway, I'm like of this is really getting out of hand... and to top it off my car insurance company calls me asking me when am I going to make my payment cause if I don't pay within the next 2-3 days they will cancel my coverage...

Go figure, so it's like this just like I told the cashier, go head take my money, my rent check will bounce, so I will be homeless and their cutting off my electricity so I mean shyt... no reason to have a crib with no lights and oh yeah next time you see me in here it will be for prosutition cause now I got to go sell some dick!

Student Loan Blues

Man, since graduating grad school, I've dreaded the day that I would have to start paying back the 1,000 of dollars I borrowed in order to excape the cruel reality of small town living.

Now as much as I don't regret bettering myself and receiving a quality education, I do regret taking out so many fucking loans and not making sure that I knew exactly who the fuck I owed... Now, here I am attempting to get some shyt together, #1 working on repairing my credit do I find out that this mofo lender holders didn't consult with Clearing House and two of my loans are in default, it was four but I've made over a $1,000.00 in loan payments to get two of them mofos out of default and included in my consolidation.

They say consolidation is the best way to deal with paying your student loans, I'm not sure-- I know why thing is sure and that's that paying over $800.00 a month just in student loans is NO FUCKING CONSOLIDATION to my life style, my bank account, or my future plans...

But, hey what the fuck can you do, bad enough I'm a black man and not heterosexual... having bad credit right now just would be cute.. so a brotha is paying out the ass to do the right thing... just think my 18,19, & 20 year old selves got me in all this trouble in the first place..

shyt..... I think they should limit student loan amounts for young folks especially poor ones cause all we know is we want an education-- if them mofos would have told me that in exchange I would forfeit the pleasantries in life I may have opted for a life in the projects I mean at least I could sit on the step, smoke a joint, drink a 40 and be bored...

but shyt, that's what I do know..

. the simple difference is that I'm in a different location and instead of having no money and having some food stamps... all my money is going to student loans, car payments, insurance payments, and paying rent.... Well I'll be damned... Ain't this some shyt!!!!!

If a brotha would have only knew......

New Year/ New growth/ New questions & answers

Whassup blog peeps, this is my first post for the new year and it's like in the past year I've explored and exposed alot via this blog and the year to come will be no different... this blog has become my notebook to myself and lately "myself" is what I've been questioning the most.. For instance, last night I attended a party where it was mostly str8 folks but I mean shyt I had a reallly REALLY really good time and although the women were coming on a little too strong,, I kinda liked it and might have to revailidate my bisexual card.. I haven't fucked a chick in a while and lately I've kind of been craven some pussy... n the thing is I could have got some it;s just that I feel like I have to be "honest" about my sexual past if I'm going to fuck a chick.. I mean I have a mom, grandmom, sisters, neices and aunts and I wouldn't want no man sleeping with them and not telling them that they also sleep with men.... so.. who knows what the new year will bring,,,,, I guess it will be whatever way the winds blows and I do live in Chicago so we know that damn hawk is a bitch....