3rd day of the Year

Today. I. was. hit. with. the very. thing. i've been battling with.

FEAR!

Today. I received a promotion at work.... and I was stunned.. because it meant for once I had done something right.... and it also meant that I would now need to transition and move and work with a new team in a new location and move outside of my box and into the unknown... it was scary... it is now less scary because i now realize that i was in fact afraid and once u know ur afraid u can build up the confidence to face it... effective immediately it is faced.....

Family & thankfullness

This past weekend I had the opportunity of spending time with my family and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was exactly where I belonged just for a
short amount of time.

For most of my life, I've been running... running away adn towards something or perhaps both at the same time and at the same pace. At any rate, while I was at home I had time to drive around to witness how things had changed and had not changed and as I waited for tears to come.. no tears came... as i waited for some type of STRONG reaction there was none... there was only acceptance.... acceptance that I can't go in the past and change anything--- there is no reason to feel sorry for myself---- I grew up as I was supposed to-- black and poor.. and battling the discovery that I was also not heterosexual.... I was overwhelmed by these challenges and still I survived-- it is through this that today I am capable and adaptable to transition from old age negro to african american business man..... it is through this struggle that I have learned that I am love... that I have always been love .. that someone has always loved me even if I didn't know it.... and that I have love to give others........today marks the end of such much... & the beginning of beautiful, wonderfull things because I'm learning & continue to learn to get out of my own way.......

I invite all goodness into my life... and into the life of others......

peace..... is what i wish and dream of the most for all of us..... let the beginning of the next decade be peacefull...... let us study ignorance and shame no more----- let us see the beauty in one another and the miracoulous gift that is today....

Nina Simone Feeling

One bad chick.... Feelings....

The Great Debaters Trailer

EXCELLENT Movie!!!

The Great Debaters

If you haven't seen it, GO SEE IT!!!

AWESOME Movie!

I went by myself.. enjoyed it... laughed, cried, smiled, and was filled with hope.

Go check it out---- this is a quality African American movie that we need to support and not just because Oprah produced it.... which I think was very brave of her... but because it's about our history....

Dreams, Illusions, & Metamorphosis

I just awoke from a dream of angels, and demons, and hustlers, and old family members and the rembrance of my father- In this dream, I revealed after a few days with my father's "family" my attraction for men and I explained why I choose not to have a relationship with them- because it's more important for me to love and honor me than to hide to accomondate people who don't care about my well being. In the dream, the last thing I remember is my father running down the street naked hollering and screaming about how could I sleep with men.... As I yelled back I'm thirty (30) years old, I can sleep with whomever I choose. My father went in a rage, ran down the street like a bull, with an erect penis and sometype of stone hanging from his phallus as if my "shame" were weighing down his own manhood..... As he continued running and galloping around, moaning about my indiscretion... I realized that I love me even the broken bones of who I am.. the muscle, the fat, the little moles across my back... and I'm not willing to give that up for anyone..... right before i awoke.. i was getting in my car, mind you a car I'd never seen before and a man tried to prevent me from entering.... i don't know where this man came from or if he was a demon, illusion, or metamorphis.... i asked him to please move out of my path.... i than simply moved his hand, entered the car and sat. As I looked at him, sitting safely within---- I begin to wonder perhaps I'd just moving my own demon out the way--

Alexyss K. Tylor Knowledge

End of a Year/ Beginning of a Decade

As the end of the year approaches and another one dawns, I realize how fortunate I am- As I end my twenties (20's) and welcome my thirties (30's) I know that only better days will come.

I've spent most of my life terrified of life itself- unable to cope- unable to truly feel... and my twenties educated and informed me of who I had become-- even in it's unstableness. I now not only realize that I'm worthy of good things, but acknowledge the fact that it's only after and between the bad that has chartered my consciousness.

I'm ready for forgiveness, for love, for all the best to enter my life. In 2008, I vow to be happy, healthier, and more successful than ever before.

I now happily welcome the end of one year and the beginning of another.

All the best!

LUTHER VANDROSS (HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS)

Getting in the holiday spirit.

This Christmas - Donny Hathaway

Chris Brown - Show A Little Tenderness

Man, he killed it.... I'm feeling a little too romantic for this time of year... but hey....

How I Want to feel...

No One

Transformation

The old saying goes "if you do what you've always done than you'll get what you've always got"

It's time for a change... and a change is sure to come....

Today, I unhooked the shackles from underneath my feet-- I deleted a few things that should have been gone a while ago-- it's now time to make a change/ a difference. to do something/ anything different.... it's time to go back/ to end the self hate/ to prevent the rape/ and start a new- it's time to go back to shed the tears/ to bring the corpse home anew/ to find the broken heart/ to bring it within and hear harps/ it's time to see st. peter and paul and jesus too.... it's time to start anew....

God help me....

God help me to forgive.. i realize i'm stuck and if i don't start the process of forgiving i won't be able to move on... help me forgive all those who have hurt me and help me to forgive myself for my moments of indescretion and for my weakness and for just not knowing and loving me.... help me to understand what forgiveness is... true forgiveness help me have mercy and love and understanding for my parents and the women and men who have hurt me and let me be gentle with myself not beating myself up for the things i can not change.. help me to know that i'm not in control nor do i have to be.. help me to forgive those i feel abadoned me or didn't help my mother out when that man was whipping her ass... help me to forgive those that put my knees in the dirt and the man who tried to sodomize me the one who made me choke on his thing and the one who made me stand in chairs all night and who tried to ruin my life.. help me forgive the lil boy who was afraid of the green car and who rain just to taste rocks and dirt and tomatos andground beef and my mother for not protecting me.. help me to forgive even when i don't want to.. when i want to hate and when i want them to suffer for what they did to me... help me to see all the goood inside of me... help me to see the good in other people.. help me to allow other people to be who they are and the freedom for them to live with victimization from myself or others... help the world be a better place where lil black boys don't live in fear of death or drugs or incest or not being loved or looking for love in all the wrong places and still not finding love and running away from hiv..... thank u for letting me not becoming infected and for realizing that my negative status is not a badge of honor because nobody deserves hiv and noone asks for it-- forgive those who've tried to infect me... forgive those who've intentlifull deceived me and broken my heart... who've lied to me... and to those who tried to break me... help me to forgive them... to truly forgive them and to understand the lesson which i was supposed to learn.. help me as i face my past and began picking up all the pieces of myself that i left behind... help me find my joy..... my smile... my hope.. help me live with my pain and my fear and to not inflect it on others... help me see the good in others and in myself.. help me deal with my insecurities and help me to sleep at night without the nightmares... i now understand i can't run from the past -- i must face it.. embrace it... because it has made me who i am... but i don't have to be the past.. i can still be a GREAT man.... i can be a better man than my father ever was.... and i can be a lover, a protector, and a warrior.. because i've survived through some much already and i know that even when i thought i was alone someone was there with me... even when i felt i was alll allone.. someone was there with me... through the tears and the blood and this low self esteeem let me know that someone is here with me.... help me to love myself and trust myself and value myself and know that i deserve more than quick sex or quick flirtations with passerby... help me to learn to let someone good love me... to know that i'm worth it.. and to comfort the voices that tell me i'm not... that tell me that i can't compete and that make excuses for why people won't love me... help me to be healthy... to be strong... to be wise.. to be sincere and to take others feelings in consideration... help me to stop being so arrogant and ignorant...... help me to understand and to believe... help me to be me....

Embarking on forgiveness Part 1 of ??

I've spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me & feeling pitiful because I wasn't someone or something else.

In the end all I wanted was for my parents to love me & they didn't & then & there lies the problem. - because how on earth could or would anyone else love me when the two people who should have didn't/wouldn't or /couldn't-

and here in lies the misery which has become my life-- but this misery rest here no more because today i realize that i am strong & courageous & (as unmasculine as it may sound) Beautiful... realistically human stretching for the gods to help me- to aid me in this life which by giving up control i have gain another kinda of control and i can get to sleep with out much fuss most nights-- although i would like to lay next to someone i refuse to be a "cum dumpster" or a "sperm donor" in another's fantasy of words and illusion-- my life has no time for that kind of madness--- from here i can only go UP! Because my life has been well "interesting" to say the least--- I've learned alot... been challenged and suceeded and failed but i'm still here... i'm still alive & just in that lies beauty that I've never known-- the assurance that i can just breathe in peace-- noone to smother my oxygen or to disgrace my heart wit words or wounds.... today i realize that i have become a MAN right in the front of my own eyes-- that i've grown and i have regrets and i have triumphs which i will share one day in the safety of someone's arms who loves me.... and know i know that i also love me-- because i have the courage to speak the truth.. the truth is my life is not as i ever seemed... it is unfolding in front of me... sometimes i miss u aaj, and sometimes i wonder could we ever be friends today- but i dont know... and i give it up to the universe but i do want to say that i'm sorry and i understand that u could never love me even if u wanted to... because we come from two different part of the tracks although, those tracks shared many of the same dreams & secrets as children in WEA.

That's back when i gave my heart to you without knowing it-- and also the first of many rejections that would come with me opening myself up and giving freely-- now i realize this/u/ have made me stronger-- sharing my love with u- helped me grow more and more stronger every day--- no we may never have a relationship or even talk or see each other again, but this is today-- it's time for me to let go.....

Luther VanDross - A House is not a Home (Live)

Am I worthy/ facing my own fears

Today, as I was working out.. I realized something-- the something that I realized was all the negativity that was boggling in my head.. the tiny voices that whispered "you'll never look like that" or such and such dude would never find you attractive so don't even look over there- as the voices begin to merge i begin to feel tears come to my eyes and than a burning in my chest and right than and there i decided no more... No more excuses of why somebody won't or can't or shouldn't love me- and no more excuses why i should protect myself and only deal with guys that in my mind can approach me/ although deep inside i always feel like their not going to be able to handle me- also deep down inside i don't feel attractive although i normally get alot of attention per say- deep down in side i feel ugly/ unworthy/ and unimportant- however, all this is a lie- i'm not ugly- i am worthy, and yes not everything is for everybody, but i am for somebody- and shyt dudes would be crazy not to be with a brotha like me--- well without all the insecurities and the constant pealing of sores around every part of me that is worthy and naturally good.... i guess i can begin to deal with my own guilt and start forgiving others and myself ---- because now i realize that i've been standing in my own way-- and the only way for me to be truly happy is to surrender and move on- i cant change the past--- i have some control but not much on the future-- and here in the present the best i can do is breathe and let go--- to let things be what and how their supposed to be--- so far in my life things have been good- yes i've fell a few times and had a few heartbreaks, lost friends, angered family members and disrespected and disgraced myself but even in my loneliness moments i find a glitter of hope that keeps me going and that allows me to survive under any and all conditions... i am a survivor a warrior or has showed and hidden too many scars and denied himself the chance to feel the sun against his face and the beaming of his smile to grace the hearts of others without being drowned by fear-- today all this stops--- because when you know better you can do better--- today i desire the wisdom to do better- to be complete and to become a better man-- a better person-- not only for me, but for all the little me's that make me. --- for all the emotional brothas who felt the belts against their skin and heard the cries of their mothers but had no strength to intervene- for all the broken hearted dirty little boys who grow up in the projects and has a candy lady for a mother, who cant imagine and dare to dream, only to one day see their dream become a nightmare before their eyes because the love they've been craving has been right inside of them unleashed all their lives and all they need was the poem to set them free/ to allow them to breath/ the allow them to be/ black.dirty.poor.male.sweet.kind.proud.ashamed.unpowered.empowered.sensitive.loving.scared.unapologetic.rebel.homo.erotic.spin
of the life and times of a poor black ghetto boy who escaped and dared to dream past the ugly reality of america.

The truth is...

The truth is....

I really want to be in a relationship.. to have one brotha to come home to.. to lay up next to.. to feel .. to hold.. to love.. to cherish.. to be mine... so i shouldn't be having sex with anyone who is not this brotha.... i've never felt more sick and tired than i do right now... i want and need to be understood and god if u can hear me, help me be the man i'm supposed to be... help me to be strong and not to hurt people... help me have compassion and empathy for those who have none for me... help me forgive my mother and father and everyone else that has hurt me.... i now realize that i'm hurt and i've been hiding it.... and i need strength to do what i once thought was imposibile "impossible"---- i want and need to begin to forgive those who have hurt me-- and i'm ready to move on..... i'm ready to love again.... lord please help me...

Why?

i hate myself for everything i am and everything i am not
why don't i feel good enough
why do i tell myself over and over that know one is going to love me and than end up aliented and angry with myself
why do these negative thoughts conitously run through my head
why cant the voices find comfort in my accomplishments
why cant i sleep thru the night
why, why, why, lord why
why can't i surrender even when i try
when am i so full of anger n fear
why do i do so well and yet and still cant find love
why am i suffering from depression
why, why, why... i keep asking myself why
why didn't my mother protect, my did my father leave me
why does everyone who loves me leave
why is it that i feel aliented and different and above but below people
why do i suffer from guilt
why am i so emotional
why do i sometimes wish i was dead
why do i continue living
why do the thoughts ramble through my head
why do i jerk off to go to sleep
why do i need a hug n kiss n the words i love u to feel, i don't know human
why does everyone else seem so happy but i feel so down and depressed
why is this contiunually coming...
why cant i rest
why cant i relax
why did i stop believing in god
did god abadon me
does god care for me
is god angry with me
is god dead
can god hear this prayer
can god answer my question
help me to surrender
i neeed to surrender
i'm willing to surrender- why cant i surrender
why am i a control freak
why do i love so hard
why do i try to control people
why dont i understand that i cant make someone love me
why do i fall for the wrong guys
why are so many guys infected with hiv
why cant i just be straight
why do i have to live in fear that i will fall in love with someone hiv+
why do i FEAR loving at all
why, why, why