Am I worthy/ facing my own fears

Today, as I was working out.. I realized something-- the something that I realized was all the negativity that was boggling in my head.. the tiny voices that whispered "you'll never look like that" or such and such dude would never find you attractive so don't even look over there- as the voices begin to merge i begin to feel tears come to my eyes and than a burning in my chest and right than and there i decided no more... No more excuses of why somebody won't or can't or shouldn't love me- and no more excuses why i should protect myself and only deal with guys that in my mind can approach me/ although deep inside i always feel like their not going to be able to handle me- also deep down inside i don't feel attractive although i normally get alot of attention per say- deep down in side i feel ugly/ unworthy/ and unimportant- however, all this is a lie- i'm not ugly- i am worthy, and yes not everything is for everybody, but i am for somebody- and shyt dudes would be crazy not to be with a brotha like me--- well without all the insecurities and the constant pealing of sores around every part of me that is worthy and naturally good.... i guess i can begin to deal with my own guilt and start forgiving others and myself ---- because now i realize that i've been standing in my own way-- and the only way for me to be truly happy is to surrender and move on- i cant change the past--- i have some control but not much on the future-- and here in the present the best i can do is breathe and let go--- to let things be what and how their supposed to be--- so far in my life things have been good- yes i've fell a few times and had a few heartbreaks, lost friends, angered family members and disrespected and disgraced myself but even in my loneliness moments i find a glitter of hope that keeps me going and that allows me to survive under any and all conditions... i am a survivor a warrior or has showed and hidden too many scars and denied himself the chance to feel the sun against his face and the beaming of his smile to grace the hearts of others without being drowned by fear-- today all this stops--- because when you know better you can do better--- today i desire the wisdom to do better- to be complete and to become a better man-- a better person-- not only for me, but for all the little me's that make me. --- for all the emotional brothas who felt the belts against their skin and heard the cries of their mothers but had no strength to intervene- for all the broken hearted dirty little boys who grow up in the projects and has a candy lady for a mother, who cant imagine and dare to dream, only to one day see their dream become a nightmare before their eyes because the love they've been craving has been right inside of them unleashed all their lives and all they need was the poem to set them free/ to allow them to breath/ the allow them to be/ black.dirty.poor.male.sweet.kind.proud.ashamed.unpowered.empowered.sensitive.loving.scared.unapologetic.rebel.homo.erotic.spin
of the life and times of a poor black ghetto boy who escaped and dared to dream past the ugly reality of america.

The truth is...

The truth is....

I really want to be in a relationship.. to have one brotha to come home to.. to lay up next to.. to feel .. to hold.. to love.. to cherish.. to be mine... so i shouldn't be having sex with anyone who is not this brotha.... i've never felt more sick and tired than i do right now... i want and need to be understood and god if u can hear me, help me be the man i'm supposed to be... help me to be strong and not to hurt people... help me have compassion and empathy for those who have none for me... help me forgive my mother and father and everyone else that has hurt me.... i now realize that i'm hurt and i've been hiding it.... and i need strength to do what i once thought was imposibile "impossible"---- i want and need to begin to forgive those who have hurt me-- and i'm ready to move on..... i'm ready to love again.... lord please help me...

Why?

i hate myself for everything i am and everything i am not
why don't i feel good enough
why do i tell myself over and over that know one is going to love me and than end up aliented and angry with myself
why do these negative thoughts conitously run through my head
why cant the voices find comfort in my accomplishments
why cant i sleep thru the night
why, why, why, lord why
why can't i surrender even when i try
when am i so full of anger n fear
why do i do so well and yet and still cant find love
why am i suffering from depression
why, why, why... i keep asking myself why
why didn't my mother protect, my did my father leave me
why does everyone who loves me leave
why is it that i feel aliented and different and above but below people
why do i suffer from guilt
why am i so emotional
why do i sometimes wish i was dead
why do i continue living
why do the thoughts ramble through my head
why do i jerk off to go to sleep
why do i need a hug n kiss n the words i love u to feel, i don't know human
why does everyone else seem so happy but i feel so down and depressed
why is this contiunually coming...
why cant i rest
why cant i relax
why did i stop believing in god
did god abadon me
does god care for me
is god angry with me
is god dead
can god hear this prayer
can god answer my question
help me to surrender
i neeed to surrender
i'm willing to surrender- why cant i surrender
why am i a control freak
why do i love so hard
why do i try to control people
why dont i understand that i cant make someone love me
why do i fall for the wrong guys
why are so many guys infected with hiv
why cant i just be straight
why do i have to live in fear that i will fall in love with someone hiv+
why do i FEAR loving at all
why, why, why

A Moment of clarity

There is so much in my life that I'm ashamed of/so many memories invade my body and leave me unable to sleep/my ankles remember things that a lil black boy should have never seen or experienced/numerous nights of allowing my nude body to fall into the falls of someone who not only murdered my hope/ but my pride/ becuz they couldn't see the fear behind my eyes/ i only wanted to be held and to hold you instead we ended entrapped in a fantast of dreams and lies/ never to see each other again for some years/ and occasionally i'll think of u, & remember the good times/ remember the nights i slept next to u n the shadows while darkness laid between us/ me whispering softly that u were mine/ but u were off asleep in the middle of the night with some other girl or guy/ & i was left alone to fend for some in the darkness- thats the onnly place i allow myself to cry/
now when men come to sleep in my bed/ i ask them to go home in the middle of the night or they often take their cue and leave me alone/ after they've drained my manhood and left me weak/ after my toes have curled and i've made manly sounds and released my loins/ i lay nude thinking of u/ trying desperately to quiet the voices that tell me that noone will love me/ and that he can't possible love me/ and i ask my self what is wrong wit u. and i beat myself for being everything i am and than pick up my limbs, wash them off, and devour them all over again. i nibble at the tissue of my arms & legs & thighs & suck my own dick n play wit my own butt hole/ cause u'll never tough me again/ n my knees with never feel that sand again/ becuz i will know longer be used/ or ur victim whore to do ur will and than leave. that black boy- naive as he was- still cries in that field and the man i am today picks him up and hugs him close/ holds him close- sometimes too close/. almost soffacting him, but allowing him to breathe... after today he will go back out. after learning one of the hardest lessons one must learn in a field of one of americas most loved sports.

Over a glass of scotch

Tonight, I find myself like many other nights that I've spent... alone... drinking a glass of scotch- sitting back feeling a lil self pity, but at the same time realizing how blessed i am and how much i still have yet to learn--- this past weekend i got some culture in my life-- and i also realized just how lonely i truly am--- how alone i feel and asking my self why i don't have anyone in my life-- and the voices began to whisper thoughts into my head and than i caught myself saying i deserve love no matter what.. no matter of the nightmares and my knees in the sand, the bruises and the underwear that i peaked underneath the door only to have them reveal that the big I had infected my reality and my pyschology and that i've felt used, and abused and not worthy of love.. and thats really one of the reason that i din't believe in god-- because i felt like god abadoned me-- but now i realize that something has and will always be there for me- in the moments when my soul acts for the most comfort, wither it be sitting in a dark room allowing my fingers to write out or at least attempt to release this pain....