Lost & Confused

I have so much to say all of a sudden- the words ramble in my mind like bees in a nest occupied by the duty set before them to please their queen... the words roll through my veins, through the bile that is my gall bladder, my bladder, my kidneys, my colon, and it trickles down through my rectum and on the floor because now i'm forced to look at the shyt that i believe and honestly it doesn't look nor smell too good.....

i don't know what i believe anymore--- i know that i'm finding that i'm lonely, even when i'm with people i find it hard to connect and than qhwn i do connect it is with a grip that is so tight it threatens to suffocate any possibility of growth- i guess the truth is i am that insecure- i am that vulnerable- i am that human.......i urn for things not known- things that i can understand and everything that is written and seen has reason and follows a concept- that everything truly does happen for a reason- that everything will make sense in the end.

what my eyes see today makes no sense- has no rythm nor reason- pity, senseless acts made by egomaniacs who for whatever reason have convinced themselves that it's all about them-- today as i laid down to take a nap.. i wonder if one of those people were me? was i being the "legend in my own mind"-- was i fullfilling my purposes or was i just being a "bitch box" who's unhappy with their life- doesn't feel like the have the power to change it, although they make mediocre steps and have "Accompiments" that can endorn the walls of anyplace i end up calling home.. and yet and still i end up at step one-- feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands me, and that the sense of humanity i long for is within the hills with buddhist monks who spend their time chanting and patiently waiting for "enlightment"....

today, i realize that i am so confused...so lost without an understanding of why i'm lost, why i'm lonely, why i find it hard to trust other people and a man once told me that i have to find someone or something to believe in and until i do my wonderingness will continue-- am i the needle in the hay stack or am i simple just some over self indulgent guy who simply has not learned that it really ain't that deep and i'm really not that important- in the big picture of things- i am simple one small microcosm of the universe and as silly as it seems on some level there most be a purpose or a job, something that i can attack with the fearlessness that urges an animal to seek out its prey