Saturday, February 11, 2006

Unfinished business & moving on

Today marks the birth of Emotionalbrotha, the day when Ms. Emotional gave birth to a big fat baby... a bbaby who has grown into a man, and as a man I make certain decesion for me, for my life, for my future... and today i feel sooooo emotional... i feel sad, happy, regret, loved, disregarded, betrayed, loyal, confused, ... a slew of emotions.....

at any rate, i've decided that i need to fogrigve myself and others for things that have impacted me, but just as Jamie Fox said, I'm thankful for everyone i've met or ever come into contact with..... u make me stronger... wiser... a better man...


so here's the short list....

to my former freind... u know who u are.. i miss u, i love u... i know life is full of changes and so life has seperated us... i don't like it.. but i respect it..... i live with truth but today i mourn our freindship

to my former childhood freind... man, i love u.. i miss u.. so much of who i am is because of u... but i am my own man... i have always been in love with u... but ur r st8 and i am gay... and that has never been our issue at any rate... we r just different.... life has pushed us in different directions.. but to u i wish u the best and today i move on from who and what we were supposed to be

to my lady freind "who has gone to live with god" as she used to say..I miss u every day, there aren't many days that I don't think of u or want or need to hear ur voice.. ur love gives me hope that there is someone out there for me who can and will love me completely and truly as u did... my heart is forever thankful of our freindship...

to my mother.. complicated beauty of my life... for u my life has been so many things, u've raised me from a dirty little boy who stuttered into the man i am today, even though u broke the branch at seventeen- u gave me the opportunity to struggle and find who I really am... that being a survivor... there isn't much that i cant get thru and even when i think i cant i know my ancestor are with me and guiding me along... i love u mother even in all ur complication...

to my father.. i would say dad, but thats one thing you have never been to me... my feelings for u, are filled with agnst, even at my age, i still dont understand why u don't or couldn't or wouldnt love me... i am ur son, made in ur image.. i mean shyt i look just like u when u were younger and that pisses me off.. becuz well i want and need to be me.. and thats what i've learned.. i wish i could have a relationship with u, that would be based on me being ur son and u being my dad, but it hasn't presented itself and may never present itself... so much of my life is reaction of my relationship with u, or the nonexistent nature of that relationship... it was 28 years ago that i came into ur life... was i a blessing or a curse and really who knows which one is worse.. all i know is my father never loved me... but this year i will make the effort to forgive and express what i feel by ur absence although i always tell myself i'm too old and too big to need a dad or a father i mean shyt, i've raised myself..to say the least i'm pissed with u....

to all my freinds and those that i've known... as most of u know although i don't claim it much, i sensitive and complicated.. thanks for loving me, the lessons, the strength and compassion... shyt thanks sometimes just for telling me about myself... its always been needed.. and truth is my oyxgen.. like lauren hill i cant live without it... and i am constantly seekin n searching for the truth.. the truth of me, you, and everyone else...

where is love.. and can i forgive?

2 comments:

ClayStarr said...

You can't mourn what is not dead.

The LoveHater said...

EMO BRO...sorry I'm late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Love you, man!