Good Night Kiss

Damn, whens the last time you've had a real good night kiss

I'm talking one of them kisses you get before you head hits the pillow or maybe your laying on top of someone or they may be laying on top of you

blad head or locs or curly waves resting against your chest

their breath you feel on your nipples/the warmth of their body across your stomach/ur thighs wrapped against their thighs

a brief minute when they turn their head, propel it towards ur and damn your lips touch their

and u doze off into a restfull bliss

damn when is the last time uve been kissed?

Hidden & now shown

Damn history is something else... check these photos out...

Maybe My Mama was right..

Maybe my mama was right, maybe it is her fault? lol.. New article about sexual orientation and mothers and childbirth and chromosomes and shyt...

Let me know what you think...

Denver Meltwhat?

This past weekend, I took a few days off from work and attend DenverMeltdown, which actually became DenverMeltwhat because the event was not highly attended but despite even the cold weather suprisingly I ended up having a good ass time...

the long weekend was composed of relaxing, chilling, a theatre outing, a ballet outting, shopping, no fucking.... and good ass conversation..

Man, I never thought at my age I would go on a g-life event and not have "sex"-

I actually didn't have intercourse at all, I did however have some mind boggling, electrifying conversation- it's amazing how what the events are in "structure" supposed to be, is what I expereinced- that is a time for brothas to come together party, relate, share, mingle, and get to know each other... and this weekend I got to know alot of interesting brothas.... shyt the weekend was very refreshing..... and didn't hurt that I met a cutie pie and if I ever relocate for whatever reason and me and that brotha link up- its going to be on... like u don't know what..

but infactuation is well infactuation....

but this weekend made me realize alot about life and love and the fact that we are all searching, seeking, waiting for something or someone, for some it is the messiah for others it's good sex, for others it's intimacy and freindship, belonging, and wanting to feel cared about and respected.

and although we all traveled from different cities to join in one cold ass weekend of patrying, which ended up being a weekend of not so much partying but a weekend of getting fucked up, drunk & high, dancing, joking, laughing, singing, skiing, sleeping, eating, resting, relaxing, flirting, disappointment, a few spades, some bones, not enough cuties, a few hot brothas, alot of kewl brothas, some damn good conversation, some str8 bonding and getting to know each other, a few good ass hugs, a few passionate kisses and dreams and illusions waiting to become reality.. to all the brothas who were on the pilgramage mad love n peace and hope to see yall in Chi-town...

Was Denver a Meltdown? Well man, all I can say is.......

Denver Melt what?

However, Denver melted all my perceptions, fears, anxiety, dreams, realities, and brought me back into consciousness... sometimes the events don't have to be full of sex, hot ass brothas, etc- it helps but it doesn't have to be..... sometimes it can be just like old times, sitting in front of a fire place, saying nothing but so much being communiticating... i guess Denver melted my heart to admit.... I love all my brothas...

Unfinished business & moving on

Today marks the birth of Emotionalbrotha, the day when Ms. Emotional gave birth to a big fat baby... a bbaby who has grown into a man, and as a man I make certain decesion for me, for my life, for my future... and today i feel sooooo emotional... i feel sad, happy, regret, loved, disregarded, betrayed, loyal, confused, ... a slew of emotions.....

at any rate, i've decided that i need to fogrigve myself and others for things that have impacted me, but just as Jamie Fox said, I'm thankful for everyone i've met or ever come into contact with..... u make me stronger... wiser... a better man...


so here's the short list....

to my former freind... u know who u are.. i miss u, i love u... i know life is full of changes and so life has seperated us... i don't like it.. but i respect it..... i live with truth but today i mourn our freindship

to my former childhood freind... man, i love u.. i miss u.. so much of who i am is because of u... but i am my own man... i have always been in love with u... but ur r st8 and i am gay... and that has never been our issue at any rate... we r just different.... life has pushed us in different directions.. but to u i wish u the best and today i move on from who and what we were supposed to be

to my lady freind "who has gone to live with god" as she used to say..I miss u every day, there aren't many days that I don't think of u or want or need to hear ur voice.. ur love gives me hope that there is someone out there for me who can and will love me completely and truly as u did... my heart is forever thankful of our freindship...

to my mother.. complicated beauty of my life... for u my life has been so many things, u've raised me from a dirty little boy who stuttered into the man i am today, even though u broke the branch at seventeen- u gave me the opportunity to struggle and find who I really am... that being a survivor... there isn't much that i cant get thru and even when i think i cant i know my ancestor are with me and guiding me along... i love u mother even in all ur complication...

to my father.. i would say dad, but thats one thing you have never been to me... my feelings for u, are filled with agnst, even at my age, i still dont understand why u don't or couldn't or wouldnt love me... i am ur son, made in ur image.. i mean shyt i look just like u when u were younger and that pisses me off.. becuz well i want and need to be me.. and thats what i've learned.. i wish i could have a relationship with u, that would be based on me being ur son and u being my dad, but it hasn't presented itself and may never present itself... so much of my life is reaction of my relationship with u, or the nonexistent nature of that relationship... it was 28 years ago that i came into ur life... was i a blessing or a curse and really who knows which one is worse.. all i know is my father never loved me... but this year i will make the effort to forgive and express what i feel by ur absence although i always tell myself i'm too old and too big to need a dad or a father i mean shyt, i've raised myself..to say the least i'm pissed with u....

to all my freinds and those that i've known... as most of u know although i don't claim it much, i sensitive and complicated.. thanks for loving me, the lessons, the strength and compassion... shyt thanks sometimes just for telling me about myself... its always been needed.. and truth is my oyxgen.. like lauren hill i cant live without it... and i am constantly seekin n searching for the truth.. the truth of me, you, and everyone else...

where is love.. and can i forgive?

Words, words, words

Isn't it powerful how words can affect you? How words can name, blame, and claim your black ass.. what would we be without words, if for some reason we lost all ability to speak who would we be? Could we live & love without ever vocally expressing it? it's amazing-- this post already has conquered even thoughts that I didn't know or didn't set out to express.... it's amazing how images, pictures can have an overwhelming affect on us... if someone never said i love u.. but held u close, gave u sweet kisses, rubbed ur feet, protected u from danger, soothed ur wounds- without saying a thing, just the gesture or the metaphysical touch of another man's/woman's hands.. like damn at this moment I realize how much a brotha needs to be loved.... its like this words, thoughts, feelings are encompassing every part of my being but yet and still i feel the need to ask, where would i be, who would i be, who would u be without these words to describe, hinder, bind, blind, misuse, abuse, use and instill power and strength within us....

man who would we be.....????

and yo who would guess that all out that came out of my reaction to the one word i detest, i wont say the most, but i do hate this one word.... that word is "fag".... and I mean does my reaction to the word mean that possible could I be a "fag" or is it like the word "nigger" the 1st time u hear it... u feel something so deep.. something that moves u in such a way.. that although u don't understand the word for intellectual sake, u just know it's not something u want to be or be called...... hmmmm.... when i was a kid i remember the saying" sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" aint that a muthafuckkin lie.... a ball faced lie.... words can really hurt someone, break them, tear them apart..... but like Les Brown says, just cause someone says something about u, that doesn't make it ur reality... at any rate, whats ur reaction/attitude/ perspective in regards to words???

Emotionally Spent and Tired

Man, ole man, my job has worked my last nerve and a brotha might be looking for a new job in a few weeks... Last week I wrote about the write-up, which in essence was a meeting to tell me I was being written up... well yesterday I signed the paper and of course there was yet another meeting for me to sign the paper to ensure that I understood everything that was talked about, etc... and at this meeting, a brotha just couldn't hold back the tears--- well I held them until the end of the meeting when they asked me did I have any questions and I replied welll, and I started giving my explanation on how I'm being written up about things which I have been doing and which I hadn't been given guidance on but when I made a decesion the ramification was a write-up and how I bust my ass and I work way more than expected and how I get no support from my superiors although they say their always available... and you wouldn't believe that when I gave them specific examples of how and when I seeked assistance and it wasn't given.. they actually had to admit that I was telling the truth... and well whatever, in the end there's still a sour taste in my mouth... you do the best u can and you still get shitted on... so whatever...

Well, anyway.. I'm going to give myself two weeks to think it over and a brotha might be back out in the job seeking line... ain't going to quit until I have something new but shyt.. and I'm doing a national search so watch out- this brotha might soon be envading your city...oh yeah and I've also accepted a part in a new play.. rehearses predominantly Thurs-Sunday so should be kewl.. and since I work too much I decided I'd go out and do something else besides bust my ass, be unappreciated and overworked, emotional spent, tired as hell and still unhappy....