Today, I started my new job! *thumbs up* - the day was to say the least very challenging- got up a tad too late, ended up in the wrong place, but not at any fault of my own- my e-mail account and things were not set-up, I was unable to get into the system and I learned that I would only be not working 3 holidays out of the year- no big deal RIGHT? RIGHT!!!
So, other than that, I now how to look for an apartment and learn a ton of shyt so I can be successful at my job!
My personal life is a mess... I'm looking for intimacy but finding nothing but sex.. and boy does dc have alot of sex...and I'm just glad I'm turning down most of the sex... cant say I'm turning it all down-- cause I couldn't say no to this one cat.... but for the most part REALLY REALLY behaving... not trying to get played out in DC or for that matter simply PLAYED!
Had some other stuff I wanted tpo blog, but forgot what it was-- a brotha going to bed.. be safe peeps
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
African Americans & The Tonys
Today, the tony awards got announced.. and the AA's showed out... my girl Audra fucking McDonald got another nomination- this chick can't step on a stage without being nominated-- go on girl. She already had four wins, could this year make 5- Well I have to go spend that $100.00 to get me a ticket to 110 in the shade because I've been in love with her since the first time I heard her sing.....
The other black folks acted out also Anthony Chisolm, John Earl Jelks in that August Wilson style.... man ole man look how far we've come----
Monday, May 14, 2007
Lost & Confused
I have so much to say all of a sudden- the words ramble in my mind like bees in a nest occupied by the duty set before them to please their queen... the words roll through my veins, through the bile that is my gall bladder, my bladder, my kidneys, my colon, and it trickles down through my rectum and on the floor because now i'm forced to look at the shyt that i believe and honestly it doesn't look nor smell too good.....
i don't know what i believe anymore--- i know that i'm finding that i'm lonely, even when i'm with people i find it hard to connect and than qhwn i do connect it is with a grip that is so tight it threatens to suffocate any possibility of growth- i guess the truth is i am that insecure- i am that vulnerable- i am that human.......i urn for things not known- things that i can understand and everything that is written and seen has reason and follows a concept- that everything truly does happen for a reason- that everything will make sense in the end.
what my eyes see today makes no sense- has no rythm nor reason- pity, senseless acts made by egomaniacs who for whatever reason have convinced themselves that it's all about them-- today as i laid down to take a nap.. i wonder if one of those people were me? was i being the "legend in my own mind"-- was i fullfilling my purposes or was i just being a "bitch box" who's unhappy with their life- doesn't feel like the have the power to change it, although they make mediocre steps and have "Accompiments" that can endorn the walls of anyplace i end up calling home.. and yet and still i end up at step one-- feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands me, and that the sense of humanity i long for is within the hills with buddhist monks who spend their time chanting and patiently waiting for "enlightment"....
today, i realize that i am so confused...so lost without an understanding of why i'm lost, why i'm lonely, why i find it hard to trust other people and a man once told me that i have to find someone or something to believe in and until i do my wonderingness will continue-- am i the needle in the hay stack or am i simple just some over self indulgent guy who simply has not learned that it really ain't that deep and i'm really not that important- in the big picture of things- i am simple one small microcosm of the universe and as silly as it seems on some level there most be a purpose or a job, something that i can attack with the fearlessness that urges an animal to seek out its prey
i don't know what i believe anymore--- i know that i'm finding that i'm lonely, even when i'm with people i find it hard to connect and than qhwn i do connect it is with a grip that is so tight it threatens to suffocate any possibility of growth- i guess the truth is i am that insecure- i am that vulnerable- i am that human.......i urn for things not known- things that i can understand and everything that is written and seen has reason and follows a concept- that everything truly does happen for a reason- that everything will make sense in the end.
what my eyes see today makes no sense- has no rythm nor reason- pity, senseless acts made by egomaniacs who for whatever reason have convinced themselves that it's all about them-- today as i laid down to take a nap.. i wonder if one of those people were me? was i being the "legend in my own mind"-- was i fullfilling my purposes or was i just being a "bitch box" who's unhappy with their life- doesn't feel like the have the power to change it, although they make mediocre steps and have "Accompiments" that can endorn the walls of anyplace i end up calling home.. and yet and still i end up at step one-- feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands me, and that the sense of humanity i long for is within the hills with buddhist monks who spend their time chanting and patiently waiting for "enlightment"....
today, i realize that i am so confused...so lost without an understanding of why i'm lost, why i'm lonely, why i find it hard to trust other people and a man once told me that i have to find someone or something to believe in and until i do my wonderingness will continue-- am i the needle in the hay stack or am i simple just some over self indulgent guy who simply has not learned that it really ain't that deep and i'm really not that important- in the big picture of things- i am simple one small microcosm of the universe and as silly as it seems on some level there most be a purpose or a job, something that i can attack with the fearlessness that urges an animal to seek out its prey
Things Fall Apart
Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold....
Last night as I was washing clothes, a man came to speak with me.. the more he spoke the more interesting the conversation got- we talked about being black man in a world that doesn't teach us to respect and value ourselves, we talked about young black america, we talked about growing up poor, we talked about south jersey, we talked and talked and talked and than the conversation took a serious bad turn- this man started to talk about religion to me and at the end of the conversation he had the audacity to ask me to accept jesus christ as my personal lord and savior... this i aim unable to do- unwilling to do.. and it made me think-- whats really going on... why don't i believe... why do i refuse to believe.... why don't have have faith... it made me think--- and i thought about it for a hard long time.... the words of this brotha repeated themselves in my head.... talk to god... seek him out.. be str8 with him... let him know that ur confusioned and u have questions.... job had questions... noah had questions..... and yes, emotionalbrotha does have questions... questions filled with rage and hate and hurt and mistreat and no love given by anyone's god.... god turned "his" back on me a long time ago.. and even when i tried to believe i really didn't believe-- i don't think i've every believed-- i used to act like i did for other people... for everyone else but deep down in side... i wish i could but i can't... i refuse to because none of it makes any sense....
God is old and senile...
Or maybe Beneatha said it best....
"Mama, you don't understand. It's all a matter of ideas, and God is just one idea I don't accept. It's not important. I am not going out and be immoral or commit crimes because I don't believe in God. I don't even think about it. It's just that I get tired of Him getting credit for all the things the human race achieves through its own stubborn effort. There simply is no blasted God-there is man and it is he who makes miracles!"
Right know I really don't know.... what to believe.....
Last night as I was washing clothes, a man came to speak with me.. the more he spoke the more interesting the conversation got- we talked about being black man in a world that doesn't teach us to respect and value ourselves, we talked about young black america, we talked about growing up poor, we talked about south jersey, we talked and talked and talked and than the conversation took a serious bad turn- this man started to talk about religion to me and at the end of the conversation he had the audacity to ask me to accept jesus christ as my personal lord and savior... this i aim unable to do- unwilling to do.. and it made me think-- whats really going on... why don't i believe... why do i refuse to believe.... why don't have have faith... it made me think--- and i thought about it for a hard long time.... the words of this brotha repeated themselves in my head.... talk to god... seek him out.. be str8 with him... let him know that ur confusioned and u have questions.... job had questions... noah had questions..... and yes, emotionalbrotha does have questions... questions filled with rage and hate and hurt and mistreat and no love given by anyone's god.... god turned "his" back on me a long time ago.. and even when i tried to believe i really didn't believe-- i don't think i've every believed-- i used to act like i did for other people... for everyone else but deep down in side... i wish i could but i can't... i refuse to because none of it makes any sense....
God is old and senile...
Or maybe Beneatha said it best....
"Mama, you don't understand. It's all a matter of ideas, and God is just one idea I don't accept. It's not important. I am not going out and be immoral or commit crimes because I don't believe in God. I don't even think about it. It's just that I get tired of Him getting credit for all the things the human race achieves through its own stubborn effort. There simply is no blasted God-there is man and it is he who makes miracles!"
Right know I really don't know.... what to believe.....
Friday, May 04, 2007
The Phone Call
Ok, today I received the phone call that I've been waiting for weeks for- my job offer phone call came today and my ass missed it--- It went to voicemail and I didn't check my voicemail until after 4:00pm today-- but hey this black man's unemployment may be about over....
Well see i guess what kind of offering they're extending and take it from there.
Well see i guess what kind of offering they're extending and take it from there.
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