Transformation

The old saying goes "if you do what you've always done than you'll get what you've always got"

It's time for a change... and a change is sure to come....

Today, I unhooked the shackles from underneath my feet-- I deleted a few things that should have been gone a while ago-- it's now time to make a change/ a difference. to do something/ anything different.... it's time to go back/ to end the self hate/ to prevent the rape/ and start a new- it's time to go back to shed the tears/ to bring the corpse home anew/ to find the broken heart/ to bring it within and hear harps/ it's time to see st. peter and paul and jesus too.... it's time to start anew....

God help me....

God help me to forgive.. i realize i'm stuck and if i don't start the process of forgiving i won't be able to move on... help me forgive all those who have hurt me and help me to forgive myself for my moments of indescretion and for my weakness and for just not knowing and loving me.... help me to understand what forgiveness is... true forgiveness help me have mercy and love and understanding for my parents and the women and men who have hurt me and let me be gentle with myself not beating myself up for the things i can not change.. help me to know that i'm not in control nor do i have to be.. help me to forgive those i feel abadoned me or didn't help my mother out when that man was whipping her ass... help me to forgive those that put my knees in the dirt and the man who tried to sodomize me the one who made me choke on his thing and the one who made me stand in chairs all night and who tried to ruin my life.. help me forgive the lil boy who was afraid of the green car and who rain just to taste rocks and dirt and tomatos andground beef and my mother for not protecting me.. help me to forgive even when i don't want to.. when i want to hate and when i want them to suffer for what they did to me... help me to see all the goood inside of me... help me to see the good in other people.. help me to allow other people to be who they are and the freedom for them to live with victimization from myself or others... help the world be a better place where lil black boys don't live in fear of death or drugs or incest or not being loved or looking for love in all the wrong places and still not finding love and running away from hiv..... thank u for letting me not becoming infected and for realizing that my negative status is not a badge of honor because nobody deserves hiv and noone asks for it-- forgive those who've tried to infect me... forgive those who've intentlifull deceived me and broken my heart... who've lied to me... and to those who tried to break me... help me to forgive them... to truly forgive them and to understand the lesson which i was supposed to learn.. help me as i face my past and began picking up all the pieces of myself that i left behind... help me find my joy..... my smile... my hope.. help me live with my pain and my fear and to not inflect it on others... help me see the good in others and in myself.. help me deal with my insecurities and help me to sleep at night without the nightmares... i now understand i can't run from the past -- i must face it.. embrace it... because it has made me who i am... but i don't have to be the past.. i can still be a GREAT man.... i can be a better man than my father ever was.... and i can be a lover, a protector, and a warrior.. because i've survived through some much already and i know that even when i thought i was alone someone was there with me... even when i felt i was alll allone.. someone was there with me... through the tears and the blood and this low self esteeem let me know that someone is here with me.... help me to love myself and trust myself and value myself and know that i deserve more than quick sex or quick flirtations with passerby... help me to learn to let someone good love me... to know that i'm worth it.. and to comfort the voices that tell me i'm not... that tell me that i can't compete and that make excuses for why people won't love me... help me to be healthy... to be strong... to be wise.. to be sincere and to take others feelings in consideration... help me to stop being so arrogant and ignorant...... help me to understand and to believe... help me to be me....

Embarking on forgiveness Part 1 of ??

I've spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me & feeling pitiful because I wasn't someone or something else.

In the end all I wanted was for my parents to love me & they didn't & then & there lies the problem. - because how on earth could or would anyone else love me when the two people who should have didn't/wouldn't or /couldn't-

and here in lies the misery which has become my life-- but this misery rest here no more because today i realize that i am strong & courageous & (as unmasculine as it may sound) Beautiful... realistically human stretching for the gods to help me- to aid me in this life which by giving up control i have gain another kinda of control and i can get to sleep with out much fuss most nights-- although i would like to lay next to someone i refuse to be a "cum dumpster" or a "sperm donor" in another's fantasy of words and illusion-- my life has no time for that kind of madness--- from here i can only go UP! Because my life has been well "interesting" to say the least--- I've learned alot... been challenged and suceeded and failed but i'm still here... i'm still alive & just in that lies beauty that I've never known-- the assurance that i can just breathe in peace-- noone to smother my oxygen or to disgrace my heart wit words or wounds.... today i realize that i have become a MAN right in the front of my own eyes-- that i've grown and i have regrets and i have triumphs which i will share one day in the safety of someone's arms who loves me.... and know i know that i also love me-- because i have the courage to speak the truth.. the truth is my life is not as i ever seemed... it is unfolding in front of me... sometimes i miss u aaj, and sometimes i wonder could we ever be friends today- but i dont know... and i give it up to the universe but i do want to say that i'm sorry and i understand that u could never love me even if u wanted to... because we come from two different part of the tracks although, those tracks shared many of the same dreams & secrets as children in WEA.

That's back when i gave my heart to you without knowing it-- and also the first of many rejections that would come with me opening myself up and giving freely-- now i realize this/u/ have made me stronger-- sharing my love with u- helped me grow more and more stronger every day--- no we may never have a relationship or even talk or see each other again, but this is today-- it's time for me to let go.....

Luther VanDross - A House is not a Home (Live)