Brotha in the Struggle

For the most part my blog has been about my own journey, you know the on going highs in lows in an east coast brotha's life who just happens to live in Chicago and who is doing his thing both professionally, artistically, sexually, intellectually, and of course emotionally- hence the title of the blog... but today I realized that my blog is not only apart of me but also of others- in specefic a few bloggers who through their own stories have impacted my own-- today I pay homage to one of them--- Unconquerable Soul.....

Mr. Unconquerable is a fellow blogger and is on my daily hit list-- you know the list of blogs you read just about every day.... he is also from Jersey so we have that Jersey bond thing going.. at any rate, this brotha and I though conversations on line and off share some of the same fears, questions, joys, hopes, dreams, ambitions,-- it's weird how someone can be going through the same thing at the same thing and be in two totally different places--

he's post yesterday hit some shyt that I will blog about later on when I get a chance to sit down and really just type out my thoughts... in the meantime I'll leave you guys with this poem I "borrowed" from his blog...

Who Understands Me But Me

They turn the water off, so I live without water,they build walls higher, so I live without treetops,

they paint the windows black, so I live without sunshine,they lock my cage, so I live without going anywhere,

they take each last tear I have, I live without tears,they take my heart and rip it open, I live without heart,

they take my life and crush it, so I live without a future,they say I am beastly and fiendish, so I have no friends,

they stop up each hope, so I have no passage out of hell,they give me pain, so I live with pain,they give me hate,so I live with my hate,they have changed me, and I am not the same man,

they give me no shower, so I live with my smell,they separate me from my brothers, so I live without brothers,who understands me when I say this is beautiful?who understands me when I say I have found other freedoms?

I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love, my beauty,I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,I am stubborn and childish,in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,I practice being myself,and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,they were goaded out from under rocks in my heartwhen the walls were built higher,when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.

I followed these signslike an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myselffollowed the blood-spotted path,deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of myself,who taught me water is not everything,and gave me new eyes to see through walls,and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,and I was laughing at me with them,we laughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,who understands me when I say this is beautiful?

-Jimmy Santiago Baca

This Christmas (Race, Class, Privigele and being Blessed)

This Christmas I slept in for most of the morning- I mean it's not as if I put up a tree or was really in the Christmas spirit. Afterall, my family is JW and I've never put up a tree or unwrapped gifts and wrote list to "Santa Clause"

- At any rate, I recognize that other people have different beliefs and Christmas is normally a very special time for most people and I'm kewl with that-

it's just sometimes Christmas brings the ugly out of our people- I.e the day before Christmas I went to the bank to cash my holiday bonus and boy were the niggahs acting like niggahs, almost hitten a brotha's car- trying to butt in line- and just being plain trifflin'... and this wasn't just my imagination- While walking in the bank I said to myself mind you.. damn are people really shouldn't act like this.. and the lady also coming in the door said I know what you mean-- this began a 20 minute conversation between about 4 of us in line.. one lady talked of how a sista was shopping out of her cart in Marshall Fields... she turned around to get something and the lady took several items out of her cart- she was like excuse but that's my stuff and the lady replied "It ain't got your name on it"-- to which she replied "you wanna know what it's time for me to go home, you can have whatever you want"-- another lady talked of how she was a nurse in a hospital and that alot of people commit suicide around the holidays because of loneliness or because they try to over extend themselves-- and the kicker was a lady who was leaving the bank and saw this young man in line who she knew and she stopped to talk to him, of course encouraging him to go to church only to say but "we will be closed this Sunday and next, make sure to come in a few weeks"... now I am an atheist or agnostic or whatever, but I've never heard of church closing on Christmas and New Years-- I mean I thought people wanted to put the Christ back in Christmas....

Anyway, after leaving the bank, I went to pick up Shorty Rock and we hung out for a minute-- before going to the grocery store to snatch up some stuff to have a lil card party at the crib... @ the grocery store people were acting a fool cutting in line, cursuing, just acting ungratefull, and it's at the line that I handed the cashier a little slip of paper to ring up so I could fee 8 people Christmas dinner, the huzzy didn't ring it up and put it next to her register.. I then looked at her and said "I want to purchase that so I can give to those who don't have".. she replied "well it's nice your fortunate enough to share" with an attitude at that.. I looked back at her and said we all can share I mean you can feed 3 people by donating a dollar.. there were enough of us in there buying liquor....

So, anyway,.....I spent most of my Christmas day as I do most family oriented holidays with Sweetness. Sweetness and I went to her freinds house for Dinner and of course I was the only black person there- although they never treat me that way-- and it wasn't actually until today that I started wondering if I'm the only black person who has ever been in their house-- and I'm not counting the hired help...I mean yesterday I was playing with some of the grandkids.. 5 are all under 1 years old.. and I could tell by the way they were looking at me they had never saw a black person before lets not even think about a black person holding them, palying with them .... rocking them to sleep, etc.

..interesting..

and the strange thing is as gross as it sounds I felt priveleged to be that black person who could hold, touch, play, rock them to sleep.. and as much as I love and get off on the fact that I'm able to do things that other "blacks, gays, men, former hoodlums" can't... there is something very different about a Christmas around blacks and non blacks and to an extent I don't even think it's about race, although I may be wrong... I think more than anything it's about class.. it's about having money and not having money and just like me thinking I may be the only or one of the few blacks welcome in their home.. I refuse to beleive that the circumstance is based on "race" only I think it's based on the fact that people with money and like minded company and although there is a black middle class.. the people I spent the holidays with are very much uppper class..

.... I mean the 4 year old granddaughter was upset because Santa Clause didn't bring her an Ipod... I'm over 25 years old and shyt I don't even have an Ipod.. the funny thing is the grandfather replied to her tantram/request by saying "your 4 years old, you don't even know how to read, why do you need an Ipod".. I thought that was the funniest shyt ever because it's the same thing I could imagine someone black saying... I started to ask the little girl if she knew how to spell Ipod.. but decided I would shut the fuck up and drink another scotch..

.... speaking of scotch.....

the craziest/ enlighted thing happened to me... when being asked what would I like to drink the options were "champagne, scotch, wine, etc.."... So, I stated I would have a scotch.. one of the host then asked me "would you like that "NEAT".... so I was like yes thank you.. in comes my drink.. scotch in a glass with NO ice, NO splash of lime, or water... I was like ok, so this is what "neat" means.

.....well damn you learn something new everyday....

so I tried to drink it what I would call "straight up" (that shyt was putting hair on a brothas chest) but had to opt for asking for some ice.. the host said I thought you said "neat" I said "yes I did, but I was trying to be a big boy.. I think I bettter garnish it, afterall I'm driving.." -- everything was kewl...and I mean shyt, at least I can always practice drinking scotch "neat" at home- so than I'm better next time I'm better prepared.........

Departing ways/making a choice

In the last few days, I've tried to write what would be my last blog post for the year- maybe for ever under this name.....because so much of my blog expereince has been sharing it with a former friend- a way to keep up with each other's lives.. and I guess now that were not "friends" anymore blogging isn't the same for me- I mean when you start something with someone, you kinda always remember that person when you do it, or you feel the need to censor certain aspects for your own privacy when your no longer "freinds". So, I guess that's why I haven't blogged well in a few months- However, it comes a time in a man's life when he must stand on his own two feet no matter- how, why or who introduced him to a certain aspect of life, if he likes it, enjoys it, and it brings him something positive he must PROCEED--- it's like the first time I kissed a man, or had my heart broken, or laid some pipe or gave up some booty for that matter-- you do it again, and again, and again, because although it may hurt so bad, at some point it feels so goood........ so for my blog peeps I'm back-- it takes a minute but the boy wonder is back in effect and I have so much to say and really don't know if I have enough time.. cause the New Year is fast approaching... and this year isn't just going to be a NEw Year-- it will be a new life.......

Happening in the Holidays

Whassup blog folks.. I've been where-- man, shyt on hiatutus- actually I've been out in about avoiding the cold ass nights in Chicago... so I've been working my ass off, my property will have their first annual holiday party tomorrow night, I will go on in this play that I'm understudying on Friday, I've been learning the lines and going to see the show for over two weeks now- with no pay- because dude fucked the payroll up, but shyt a brotha has a day job so I ain't even got to worry about it- how bout that shyt... but will be getting my holiday spending money next week... got to spend most of it of a gift for my employees and in two weeks they will have their first holiday party at a damn restaurant in not in the office- that shyt should be fun....

Other than that, I mean working like 70 plus hours a week between two jobs is alot, but hey a brotha got to do what he got to do-- I've been chillen with my puppy and getting a lil loving from someone from my past who I wont write about for now-- keep some of my business to myself-- u know do what grown folks do-- and not all grown folks run the mouth ..... so will keep a lil too myself until the mofo pisses me the fuck off... then I will have to VENT....