Thursday, July 16, 2009
Create a New World
Lately I've been battling with alot of my demons and realizing mistakes that I've made...let's call them lessons learned... I feel like I'm a good person...better than I've felt in a long time...I still have a way to go to become the Man I'm supposed to be but being there for my family is what's important to me... also what brought me back to DC...it's important for little girls to have support when they go to college so I'm here to be her rock without cramping her style...to give her adult advice without overstepping my boundaries...this weekend I will spend time with my brother and his wife and one of my neices...like I said I'm a Man about family...its family who watch you and pick you up when you fall...its also friends who have become like family or better put who are my extended family who help and aid me when and if I let them when I'm weak...right now it's like I Who have nothing is what I'm feeling the most.... I keep my heart guarded in order not to be hurt knowing that its inevitable will happen because after all I'm a good person... and today I did something that I wouldnt ordinarily do especially to someone who really isn't a part of my life...there's this guy I know who likes me alot..we've known each other for probably about two years...well yesterday he called me and I was like I'll call you back in 30 minutes..to make a long story short I never called him back... didn't intend to in the first place...well today he texted me and was like you never called me back...don't ask me how or where it came from but instead of bullshitting the brotha, I simply said "man that was my fault I was being selfish..I apologize..don't know what that all means or even where it came from but it felt right...for once in my life there was no regret, no fear, anger, sadness, there was just peace...i had told the truth for once... not that I'm known to be a liar, but I've told my share of stories....today I decided there was no story to be told...I was being selfish and wasted the brothas time....he deserved an apology and I was Man enough to give it to him...today i created a new world...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Bigger Fish to Fry
Lately it seems that I have very low tolerance for negativity or bull shit..life is too short to worry about things you cant control or to live an unhappy life. Right now a brotha is just getting his mind right...besides I have bigger fish to fry...
Monday, July 13, 2009
Building back up one day at a time
It seems like lately I'm building myself back up one day at a time--- Learning to see the beauty in life.
Yesterday I had a GREAT day.... I went to church, lunch, saw My Sister's Keeper, hung out with my lil Sis, dinner, then saw The Hangover.... returned home exhausted. It was such a great day!
Yesterday I had a GREAT day.... I went to church, lunch, saw My Sister's Keeper, hung out with my lil Sis, dinner, then saw The Hangover.... returned home exhausted. It was such a great day!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Long Road taken to end up right where I began
Last year I lost my job and moved to NYC. It was a crazy move and the city that never sleeps changed my life. Originally I was excited about the move and excited about being a New Yorker, however this is before the crowds, expense, and rudeness shook me from my boots! To make a long story short, I'm right back where I began three years ago...back in DC, unemployed, but happy!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
My Favorrite Past Time .....Sleeping...
Lately, all I can seem to do is sleep..... but I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging.... wish me luck.....
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Psuedo Responsibility
Tonight as I await for my medication to kick in- everything seems much clearer. I find it hard to get along with other people because I find it hard to get along with myself. I talk about progression and purpose, but yet and still I work at a job where I'm not contributing shyt to the general population.
The rich get rich and the poor get poorer, and I sit along on the sidelines and wrestle with others problems, for a nice salary and benefits but today I acknowledge that I need a purpose driven life..... I need somethinhg more to believe in and it starts with a search for a better job.
The rich get rich and the poor get poorer, and I sit along on the sidelines and wrestle with others problems, for a nice salary and benefits but today I acknowledge that I need a purpose driven life..... I need somethinhg more to believe in and it starts with a search for a better job.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Papa Don't Preach
Yesterday, I finally came out to my father. The rest of my close family personally already knew because I told them eleven (11) years ago. But because my father and I never had a relationship he was the only one I hadn't personally told that I wasn't hetersexual.
The conversation went pretty well, partly based on the fact that someone from back home had ran my business thru the street and partly because I am finally at the point in my life where I am comfortable with the decisions I've made and at peace (for the most part) with the fact that my sexual oreintation was choosen years ago- even before I started pulling up little girls dresses and pinching little boys on the behind.
My father's response was one that I hadn't expected... it was true acceptance... he said that...
I'm grown and the decesions I make are mine
that he loves me no matter what
that Jesus loves me
that he's proud of the man that I've become
to not allow people to beat up on me or to beat up on myself because of my sexual orientation
that he always brags about the fact that i put myself through college
that he was always harder on me because i was he's son and that no matter what he loves me...
my father gave me a blessing that i've in some way urned for since childhood..... love...... now, if i can erase the fabrication that my parents don't love me.. maybe... just maybe i can love and accept love in return from my one and only....
if no one told you today...... somebody loves you.... and although my dad's now a pastor he sure didn't preach... and I thank god for that
The conversation went pretty well, partly based on the fact that someone from back home had ran my business thru the street and partly because I am finally at the point in my life where I am comfortable with the decisions I've made and at peace (for the most part) with the fact that my sexual oreintation was choosen years ago- even before I started pulling up little girls dresses and pinching little boys on the behind.
My father's response was one that I hadn't expected... it was true acceptance... he said that...
I'm grown and the decesions I make are mine
that he loves me no matter what
that Jesus loves me
that he's proud of the man that I've become
to not allow people to beat up on me or to beat up on myself because of my sexual orientation
that he always brags about the fact that i put myself through college
that he was always harder on me because i was he's son and that no matter what he loves me...
my father gave me a blessing that i've in some way urned for since childhood..... love...... now, if i can erase the fabrication that my parents don't love me.. maybe... just maybe i can love and accept love in return from my one and only....
if no one told you today...... somebody loves you.... and although my dad's now a pastor he sure didn't preach... and I thank god for that
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Work & Identity
For the past two months I have not gone to work. I have a medical excuse as to why I'm not there but it seems like the depression from not going to work or perhaps my day not being structured from the work that I'm required to do for a paycheck has finally got to me.
And it is now that I have to ask my self the following:
How does work attribute to my identity?
How does work affect my self esteem (I mean there is no business cards any more to identify who and what I do)?
How has work prevented me from focusing on what's really important in my life?
Am I working a job which speaks to my heart and to my potential?
Would I be happier working somewhere else/ doing something else?
How has work helped me get to where I am in life and at what cost?
Does my work give me pleasure?
These are the questions that I'm battling with today as I wake up after 3:00pm and not because I didn't go to bed at a reasonable time but more because the work I've done is not satisfying....
What's a brotha to do????
And it is now that I have to ask my self the following:
How does work attribute to my identity?
How does work affect my self esteem (I mean there is no business cards any more to identify who and what I do)?
How has work prevented me from focusing on what's really important in my life?
Am I working a job which speaks to my heart and to my potential?
Would I be happier working somewhere else/ doing something else?
How has work helped me get to where I am in life and at what cost?
Does my work give me pleasure?
These are the questions that I'm battling with today as I wake up after 3:00pm and not because I didn't go to bed at a reasonable time but more because the work I've done is not satisfying....
What's a brotha to do????
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Can't be good - Janet Jackson
Yo, don't she sound like Mike? Thought that brotha was bout to come back- LOL
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Is This True? 10 Types of gays on Campus
got dis offa myspace&blkgaychat
1. THE DL HOMOPHOBE – He can spot any gay guy anywhere at anytime. He always has something negative to say to or about the gay guy, but in reality he just wants the gay boy’s attention. Homophobes are usually attracted to masculine gay men as the feminine ones will blow their cover. Also Statistics show that the HOMOPHOBES are the messiest of them all.
2. THE AVERAGE STR8 GUY - This is the most difficult type to detect. He’s the typical straight guy, he loves sports, he adores cars, he can fix almost everything….nothing out of the ordinary till u walk in on him doing something with a dude. We call these men TRADES. You had no clue they were gay…and chances are they can teach the OPENLY gay guys a few tricks.
3. The SUPER DL NINJA – This is the guy who is TERRIFIED of people having the slightest clue he is gay. He will surf gay chatlines and send people to a dozen different websites until he finally reveals himself. The kind of guy that meets you on the docks at night…you sleep with him… and if you see him in public again he will DENY your existence.
4. THE DL COUPLE – Now this is the most prevalent type of gay guys on campus. Two guys that always hang out together, they maybe work out buddies, members of the same fraternity, same sports team or school organization….Chances are if you see one the other is close behind and if you see one alone…….he’s on his way to the other. THEY ARE A COUPLE. No straight guy will spent 90% of his day with another guy unless they are in Iraq and that’s a whole nother story child.
5. MR DON’T ASK DON’T TELL – IF YOU AINT ASKING HE AINT TELLIN…SHIT EVEN IF YOU ASK HE AINT TELLIN. This is the guy in class you always suspected but never had any concrete proof to nail him. Unfortunately for you that you cant nail him….but every other dude on campus is…….OKAAAAAAAY!!!
6. THE AVERAGE GAY GUY – He is professional, a great friend, a honor student, your RA, that guy that’s in the ROTC. He is awesome everyone on campus knows him all the girls have a crush on him…..you invite him out one night and he comes with a dude he introduces as his BOYFRIEND………..yes your honor student is in a relationship with a man and as popular as he is he managed to keep his personal life out of the spotlight. This is what most gay people should aspire to be like.
7. THE PRETTY BOI – This is the guy that looks better than 50% of the girls on campus. He wears designer clothes, has a body to die for..usually light skinned or Hispanic, hair you wish you had has the accessories of a typical pretty boi (contacts, earrings, photoshopped). You can find them prancing around your local mall or around town. Thye are usually conceited and not very nice.
8. THE TRENDSETTER – They are the social mecca of fashion and social rituals. They start the latest trends, know the latest songs and the matching dances, knows your business before you do, and pretty much puts you out there. Only down side is that they are either fat, darker than sin and 9/10 BUTT UGLY.
9. THE HALF AND HALF – Have you ever seen a guy with tight jeans, a purse and couldn’t be more feminine and you wonder…. Why doesn’t he be a transsexual and get over with it. He wears girl jeans, a tank top, makeup and a purse big enough to fit a piano. They are usually bitter because nobody wants to bee seen with them…unless they are HALF AND HALF TOO.
10. THE OBNOXIOUS QUEEN - He greets you with a HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GIIIIIRRRL!!! He refers to people as MISS THANG, he is the loudest motherfucker you have ever met, flirts with anything that breathes and is a club addict. Ladies and Gentlemen…this is THE POSTERCHILD FOR GAY. You can spot him on the map, his sexuality is as big as Texas and he doesn’t care who knows. Infact he wants you to know so he can have you next… RUN CHILD RUN…..
Which are/were you and is it true?
1. THE DL HOMOPHOBE – He can spot any gay guy anywhere at anytime. He always has something negative to say to or about the gay guy, but in reality he just wants the gay boy’s attention. Homophobes are usually attracted to masculine gay men as the feminine ones will blow their cover. Also Statistics show that the HOMOPHOBES are the messiest of them all.
2. THE AVERAGE STR8 GUY - This is the most difficult type to detect. He’s the typical straight guy, he loves sports, he adores cars, he can fix almost everything….nothing out of the ordinary till u walk in on him doing something with a dude. We call these men TRADES. You had no clue they were gay…and chances are they can teach the OPENLY gay guys a few tricks.
3. The SUPER DL NINJA – This is the guy who is TERRIFIED of people having the slightest clue he is gay. He will surf gay chatlines and send people to a dozen different websites until he finally reveals himself. The kind of guy that meets you on the docks at night…you sleep with him… and if you see him in public again he will DENY your existence.
4. THE DL COUPLE – Now this is the most prevalent type of gay guys on campus. Two guys that always hang out together, they maybe work out buddies, members of the same fraternity, same sports team or school organization….Chances are if you see one the other is close behind and if you see one alone…….he’s on his way to the other. THEY ARE A COUPLE. No straight guy will spent 90% of his day with another guy unless they are in Iraq and that’s a whole nother story child.
5. MR DON’T ASK DON’T TELL – IF YOU AINT ASKING HE AINT TELLIN…SHIT EVEN IF YOU ASK HE AINT TELLIN. This is the guy in class you always suspected but never had any concrete proof to nail him. Unfortunately for you that you cant nail him….but every other dude on campus is…….OKAAAAAAAY!!!
6. THE AVERAGE GAY GUY – He is professional, a great friend, a honor student, your RA, that guy that’s in the ROTC. He is awesome everyone on campus knows him all the girls have a crush on him…..you invite him out one night and he comes with a dude he introduces as his BOYFRIEND………..yes your honor student is in a relationship with a man and as popular as he is he managed to keep his personal life out of the spotlight. This is what most gay people should aspire to be like.
7. THE PRETTY BOI – This is the guy that looks better than 50% of the girls on campus. He wears designer clothes, has a body to die for..usually light skinned or Hispanic, hair you wish you had has the accessories of a typical pretty boi (contacts, earrings, photoshopped). You can find them prancing around your local mall or around town. Thye are usually conceited and not very nice.
8. THE TRENDSETTER – They are the social mecca of fashion and social rituals. They start the latest trends, know the latest songs and the matching dances, knows your business before you do, and pretty much puts you out there. Only down side is that they are either fat, darker than sin and 9/10 BUTT UGLY.
9. THE HALF AND HALF – Have you ever seen a guy with tight jeans, a purse and couldn’t be more feminine and you wonder…. Why doesn’t he be a transsexual and get over with it. He wears girl jeans, a tank top, makeup and a purse big enough to fit a piano. They are usually bitter because nobody wants to bee seen with them…unless they are HALF AND HALF TOO.
10. THE OBNOXIOUS QUEEN - He greets you with a HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GIIIIIRRRL!!! He refers to people as MISS THANG, he is the loudest motherfucker you have ever met, flirts with anything that breathes and is a club addict. Ladies and Gentlemen…this is THE POSTERCHILD FOR GAY. You can spot him on the map, his sexuality is as big as Texas and he doesn’t care who knows. Infact he wants you to know so he can have you next… RUN CHILD RUN…..
Which are/were you and is it true?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
30, 60, 90
This past weekend I went to NYC-- I was only there for a lil over 24 hours- but man, I had a fucking ball... Laughed till my stomach hurt, I'm talking bellys laughs and I just felt loved almost like a feeling of belonging... and that's something that I haven't felt in a long time.
Well to make a story short in 30 seconds the idea entered my mind, in 60 seconds it impregnanted my thoughts and within 90 days I plan on relocated to NYC.
It just seems like a good time and I would be close to two of my best freinds.. closer to my family and one of my oldest friends and would have to face the fact that I will be living in NYC and not as I originally intended to- the days of wishing and dreaming that I would be a BIG actor may be gone.... and with this realization becomes my manhood the endless courage it takes to admit that life ain't always what you want it to be and sometimes your not as good as you thought-- but i be damn if i'm not alive and got skills to get a decent job which allows me to still partake in something that i have always loved.... perhaps i might not make it on the stage but it wont stop me from visiting from time to time and living it up as the man i am today----broken and unfullfilled dreams and all...
Well to make a story short in 30 seconds the idea entered my mind, in 60 seconds it impregnanted my thoughts and within 90 days I plan on relocated to NYC.
It just seems like a good time and I would be close to two of my best freinds.. closer to my family and one of my oldest friends and would have to face the fact that I will be living in NYC and not as I originally intended to- the days of wishing and dreaming that I would be a BIG actor may be gone.... and with this realization becomes my manhood the endless courage it takes to admit that life ain't always what you want it to be and sometimes your not as good as you thought-- but i be damn if i'm not alive and got skills to get a decent job which allows me to still partake in something that i have always loved.... perhaps i might not make it on the stage but it wont stop me from visiting from time to time and living it up as the man i am today----broken and unfullfilled dreams and all...
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Promise to Self
I will not live my life alone.
I will open my heart to those who deserve for it to be open.
I will not fear love... or rejection or acceptance... i will love myself and allow others to love me.
I will not live my life alone.
I will open my heart to those who deserve for it to be open.
I will not fear love... or rejection or acceptance... i will love myself and allow others to love me.
I will not live my life alone.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Loving this Song
Is anyone else loving this right here?
Niggahs ain't sorry --just sorry cause they got caught....
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
DC Pride (?)
This past weekend was Pride here in DC- the city was run rampant with any and all kinds of homosexuals and although i have never felt truly part of this great event this year presented alot of growth for me.
For the first time it didn't bother me that every (and I do mean every) type of gay was there.
For the first time if some weren't there they would have been missed because maybe I'm just so immune or really just believe in letting everyone have a good time as long as they ain't fucking wit me.
At times I wished that others had somewhat of my attitude towards some of our brothas & sisters. I say this because the weekend in large was filled with people talking about other people wither it was such and such looks a hot mess or damn boys body is banging.. or they damn are they sick?... but the one thing that worked my nerves at the end of the weekend was the endless "sissy calling".... the murmurs of "the club is full of sissies" or "they are so many sissies out here" and I'm looking for a real man..
Personally, i think to get a "real man" you got to be one but hey, everyone's ideal of masculinity is different....and I mean, this weekend i saw a few lesbians who were more masculine than some of the brothas talking bout the wanted a real man and the "sissies" better not talk to them.... i guess the weekend in a few words might be called the celebration of the pot calling the kettle black--
in the end Shakespeare said it best "if we could see oursleves through others eyes oh, what a wonderful world it would be"......
For the first time it didn't bother me that every (and I do mean every) type of gay was there.
For the first time if some weren't there they would have been missed because maybe I'm just so immune or really just believe in letting everyone have a good time as long as they ain't fucking wit me.
At times I wished that others had somewhat of my attitude towards some of our brothas & sisters. I say this because the weekend in large was filled with people talking about other people wither it was such and such looks a hot mess or damn boys body is banging.. or they damn are they sick?... but the one thing that worked my nerves at the end of the weekend was the endless "sissy calling".... the murmurs of "the club is full of sissies" or "they are so many sissies out here" and I'm looking for a real man..
Personally, i think to get a "real man" you got to be one but hey, everyone's ideal of masculinity is different....and I mean, this weekend i saw a few lesbians who were more masculine than some of the brothas talking bout the wanted a real man and the "sissies" better not talk to them.... i guess the weekend in a few words might be called the celebration of the pot calling the kettle black--
in the end Shakespeare said it best "if we could see oursleves through others eyes oh, what a wonderful world it would be"......
Sunday, May 18, 2008
EXCELLENT BOOK!!!
Hey, haven't blogged in awhile because been catching up on some reading... but hey if your looking for a good book to read check out....
It is AWESOME!!! Haven't read a book this good in a long time.
It is AWESOME!!! Haven't read a book this good in a long time.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Transparency
it's was only after i learned to love myself could i love another man, woman, or child
filled with anger i lashed out at the world never seeing the sun
only the doom my life had become
until i meet & recieved god
now i only see light
filled with anger i lashed out at the world never seeing the sun
only the doom my life had become
until i meet & recieved god
now i only see light
Thursday, March 27, 2008
What if....
Yesterday, I went to church and heard this song.
What if this is what god really is
More ....
wonderful than my mind can conceive
more wonderful than my heart can believe
He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams
He's everything that my soul ever longed for
more than wonderful??
What if all this time i've been standing in my own way regarding my relationship with god...
maybe, just maybe i've been wrong...
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