Dazed and Confused

Lately, I've been bored, dazed, and confused.. Dating CuteandShort has been so different from dating a guy.. it's kinda like dating myself.. she wants a phone call everyday, a kiss, and a hug, some me time.. likes to talk for hours and hours... it's straight up crazy.... and it's like honestly she got a brotha a little scared cause I know me, if I know anyone and the whole bisexual thing is like major complicated cause I don't know if I could never "mess" with another man again.. like if I get with CuteandShort... and I don't even know that that's what she's looking for.. it's like sometimes she's like well you got to be my man and than we had a conversation and she was like that she didn't think that we should have sex with other people until we had sex with each other and I was like i don't think were on that level yet.. oh yeah and why did I feel guilty after dicking down ThatDude.... and I won't even waste too much blog time on that situation cause I honestly think that I'm going to tell Dude, we can only be friends... I mean he's just not really showing me the kind of attention that I need and I saw him out a few times and I just don't think we want the same things... it's like he says he wants some of the same things that I do but his behavior doesn't show me that.. and right now I'm very much in a show me state of mind... so, it will be what it will be... he did have some good booty though- although he lied about not getting fucked.. cause he was doing tricks.. and people who ain't used to getting fucked don't know tricks like that shyt he be trying to do....

Well other than my crazy life/sex/crazy life... Emotional has been good.. been working out... trying to eat right.... and just trying to do my favorite past time and that is getting some SLEEP!!!

So, other than that just counting the days until I go on vacation.... which is like 10 working days and in between those ten working days I have alot of things to finish up on and I decided to close my office down during that time... well at least it will be closed for several hours... Office Hours will be 9:00am-1:00pm instead of 9:00am-5:00pm because I'll be on the east coast visiting family and friends and I just don't trust my office to be open ALL day when I'm way out somewhere else... less shyt can go down if it's only open for half a day.....

And of course I will be calling in twice a day and won't really be on vacation until I go skiing in 2/07...

Damn that scary it's fitten to be 2007- that's so crazy to me... but I'm sure I'll be around to see 2020 and beyond and I will be saying the same.. "that is so crazy"...

Me and My g/f

Damn, I got the bug! Yep, although, I went and got a flu shot two weeks ago somehow, I caught some type of virus or something. But feeling alot better, been down and out since Saturday... but feeling alot better...

Also, not much been up with me, been spending alot of time with CuteandShort, we're going to get tested together on World Aids Day.. and we have really bonded alot.. don't think I've ever met a woman like her before- it's crazy how she has ALL my attention when I'm with her and she's so sweet and considerate... she's like I ain't got to be gay, bi, or straight, just be me and that's enough for her.. that shyt is hot!

Oh, yeah Me & ThatDude had dinner the other day, it was very nice... we went out to eat and than caught a movie, our first date... and why after we had sex like last week did I feel guilty?

CuteandShort is putting that thang on me and we ain't even fucked yet.. it's crazy... but she is a real real lady.....

So, looks like for now it's me and my girlfriend... or it might be me and my girlfriend and my part time boyfriend.. but right now it's definetely me and my girlfriend...

Last Journal entry

8/26/06

Either I have multiple personalities or one hell of a story to tell...

8/28/06

The scale lies & the mirror laughs
as I silently hold the cravess that you once held as u kissed me & said that u loved me
now that love is not near
because i gained weight, maybe a few pounds & i am no longer what turns u on..

so i order a hamburger, fries, and cake to comfort the tears- my eyes & the tightening in my chest I do what only I can do.. I eat.. gluttony is my sin
but i still love u
my gluttnous ways lead love away & rolls to the side of my thighs and waist line

8/28/06

I'm so high.. just drank some warm milk n listening to Phyllis Hyman.. so I'm ready for bed...

Old journal entries

Cleaning through my papers and found some journal entries I'd written and before I though the journal away, figured I would type them on here and at least be able to access them when I need to reflect later. The next like 15 post will all be old journal entries.

7/23/06

I visited Sweetness today also met Unconquerable. He's kewl. We hung out for a little bit.

I'm very stressed out over work

Can my play have a heterosexual character revenging the death of his brother to "there will be no more killing of faggots"

I'm lonely

Hot didn't call me back- He doesn't love me anymore or does he?

I've committed to reading & writing every night.

I have to get my life together.

Got to bring the sunshine in my life- Phyllis Hyman- got to let the clouds go by-

What am I to do about my professional relationships?

Is it to late to fix my mistakes?

Will I ever find someone to love me?

I want to cry, will tonight be the night that I let my sorrow show?

7/30/06

For the last few days, I've been feeling sorry for myself or maybe I'm getting depressed don't really know- all I do know is that I'm lonely as hell. Yep, I'm catching hell living here all alone. I miss Hot, yet I won't be happy & I don't make him happy. I haven't gotten any acting jobs & I feel like a failure- my job keeps me very busy yet drives me crazy---I'm still dealing with alot of madness...

8/1/06The thoughts have begun again- I'm feeling like I want to end it- to hurt myself so I will be no more but I persist- I convince myself that life is worth living although times are hard & I feel depressed. I miss Delena.

My soul needs comfort- it requires it & the voices in my head take me further & further away from reality.

I feel lost & alone.

I want & need love so badly, yet it scares me... I'm changing so rapidly, the voices cause so much chaos, I seek comfort in things I don't know.. I have faith that everything will work out.

Imagine life w/ one man who will love me completly
imagine that
imagine, nah live in dark rooms with candles almost so dim u can't see
all i ever wanted to do was fall in love w/ some man and have him fall in love with me.

I lay in my bed & think of all these visions of u...

8/6/06
Something has changed within me.. something is not the same...

Last night I attended a birthday party (HD's) & I couldn't find the right personality to really do what I normally do.. I had a few interesting conversations but for the most part I felt like an outsider--> I was either too fat, to masculine or just not bougie enough--> the party which was VERY diverse, although in my head it seemed like a Will & Grace affair (all the men seemed to be gay and the women straight) the funny thing is the women were commanding more of my attention. At any rate, towards the end of the night I whispered to the birthday boy "I have a present for you but you'll have to wrap it"- he smiled & said/replied "Ok, I'll have to unwrap it"- blame it on bad hearing or the alcohol.. anyway this morning, I woke up & my feelings have changed for him & I'm not sure that I can fullfill my promise. I'm not exactly sure what to do- But, I do know I probably can't go through with it.

8/6/06
Sometimes I don't feel good enough. I constantly ask myself why I feel this way & a million questions come to mine & i think there are things I do to protect myself from getting hurt like not working out b/c I feel like even if I had a nice body, people still wouldn't like me or that I still wouldn't be good enough & the rejection would hurt too bad- butit wouldn't destroy me- So, I think I need to start working out & being disciplined for me & then start to think about people who will like me b/c I have a nice body who don't like me now as I am..

Basking in the the moonlight I am forced to comfort the reflection of my own shadow

I'm unable to sleep
afraid that the visions in my mind with wildly unravel inside my skull & bring about my demise.

To comfort not to silence the voices in my head.. I come to paper & pencil instead..

I blazed the joint & I looked in your eyes and I knew you weren't the one for me...

They had a rough daddy
Daddy was raising them prior to civil rights... when they were still hanging niggahs...

AmI going to die someday??? yes, but youw ill first live

As my father smoked cocaine up his nose I learned... I come to pen & paper .. there the melody flowed...

I'm trying desperately to change & to accept the things I cannot change

I just woke from a nightmare where someone a man (Black) was tryingto shoot me.

I got in my car & he asked me something I replied I got to go & he pulled out a gun
We struggled over the gun
I got tit away from him
I threw it out the window
still struggling, he demanded that I return the gun to him
having not thrown the gun far enough
soemhow he is trying to get it w/ his fot
he says your going to give it to me..
I hit the gas and I wake up

This is/was my nightmare...

The man in the dream was familiar.. I didn't know him, but he reminded me of someone.. he had that same crazy look as the guys I've seen at the park

I'm scared... I don't like being alone.. I wanted to call Hot- but I didn't- he made it clear that he has a lover.... I'll have to get through this alone...

8/20/06
Today, I found mself feeling ugly.. comparing myself to others- not feeling good enough- lacking love- struggling with my own self worth & esteem
comfort sits idle as I want to cry but no tears come
I try desperately to love myself
only to find remorse and sadness..
being apologetic for "my sickness" but knowing & realizing that I am what I am..
a black man (lonely) on a constant battle for self love

8/21/06 Just got home , showered, now in bed.. today I decided that I would gain some decency.. In the past I have and have not had any...

Also today I realized that my relationship w/ Hot is really over & that Delena is dead- she's gone..& she's not coming back...

I need to get my credit togeth and will buy a condo next year..

Ball of Confusion

Today, I find myself surrounded around a ball of confusion, as the Temptations once sang... the world.. my life is nothing but a ball of confusion today and as I unravel it, in the midst of raveling my hair, I find that there is something inside me that is causing this disorder in my life. it has always been there, it's just now it has really shower itself to me- it is my anger, my hurt, my rage, my adaondment and my bitterness towards life and those who are around me. I like to think myself as being optimistic however, today i find that with the dandruff on my shoulders that my world has spun out of control and I haven't always been the "good" person I portray to be, and that's why on some level this unfornatate series' of events keeping snowballing into my life, even as I stay on the race course and continue to strive to be a man, hopefully the man I'm supposed to be, but at the same time, there is something in my that must be released. It must be sacrificed and I surrender it, this./ myself to the light in search of enlightment, forgiveness, and ask for forgiveness from those who blinded I've wounded.

Last night, I was watching a tape that my ex and i made, and as I sat and listen to myself it hit me that i had wronged this brotha, and that he had wronged me that here we were, both wounded in this emotionally abusive relationship and neither of us would let go. we both choose to embrace our dreadfull behavior and to blame the other for the missed up, on goings, when it was me- who had it twisted. i always longed for someone else to love me and make me complete and know i realize that noone is responsible to make my nightmares go away but me... i am the only one who can make me happy.. who can complete me... it time for me to start loving me... it's weird because i'd always thought i did, but i didn't, i would change for others, cut my hair, lose weight, gain weight to feel safe- to find comfort in the storm instead of crying the tears that wanted to slap my face with their wetness. with their salty flavor.. and i wasn't man enough to let that happen.. i would occasionally let one or two fall but then compose myself and tell myself secretly to shut up and stop crying.. it was this voice that had eaten the womb right out of me, that had stole my backbone and brought the bullet colliding with my left leg. it was me. it was the demon in me. the negative energy. this possession has gotten too deep and i urge for peace and release more now than ever. it is today that i find the courage to let my anger boil, to let my rage unleash, to allow my heart to beat in whatever way it wants.. and today i learn to finally breathe. and i have every right to be angry. my mother was abused and noone helped her. i was then abused and forced to do things against my will and for that i'm not only angry I'm PISSED! I am an angry black man, although I've always tried to prove that I wasn't but the truth is that I am.... and this anger has consumed me- it has lit an overwhelming intense fire within my soul and only my tears will end its wrath..... i want to cry. i will let myself cry, i will release the pain and pressure from my left hip and just breathe... but i'm also afraid....but i will... i will have courage.. i will pray- say my buddhist prayer and i will move like i've never moved... will allow myself to sit still and to feel all the fury that has festered within my being and that so deeply needs to be extinguished but needs and deserves to be expressed.. this time it will be.. what it is... and i will allow it to have full expression over which it's time is long overdue.... i also am regretful that it has taken me so long to come to this realization....... it's time for the confusion to step forth and to be acknowledged. Confusion come forward cause I've been living in confusion long enough and its time for some clarity......

Itching 4 a Scratch

How can I describe what has awoken in me. Hmm... I guess the basic way to put it although it may sound a little harsh.. for the past week I've been craving pussy! I swear. I don't know if it's because I'm loving that vibe that CuteandShort keeps giving me or because it just that time of the year or century.

The funny thing is we went out this past Thursday to this (straight) party and I had a really good time, I was like damn I've been missing out on all of this. Fine brothas, fine sistahs, and everyone is just partying and ain't no beef...

I was like I got to get back into this...

I mean I like men and all don't get me wrong and I will be honest before I sleep with a woman and let her know that I sleep with men... but why am I suddenly craving pussy????

I guess I got a itch and it needs to be scratched....

It's like one of my friends says I need to re-validate my bisexual card.... but how does a bisexual brotha find his place in an environment that kinda doesn't exist... noone walks around like i'm bisexual.. although the chicks be dancing with each other at the clubs.. and these are (straight) girls.. I will assume.. that shyt be making me hot!!!!!!

I had to back up to make sure I wouldn't wake u know how up... don't want to be walking around the party wit my dick on hard.... too much eye candy... and someone is going to be in trouble cause right now i'm going any way the wind blows and u guys know Chicago is the Windy City.....

so watch out ladies and brothas....

I'm fitten to find some space to freak.... watch out now.. and I got my box on Trojans tooo... :-)

Week of Absence

Damn, it's been just about a week since I've blogged... so much has happened within this past week, that I started over four blogs, but they all ended up not being what I wanted to express right now... I wanted to express me.. and my view of exactly who I am has changed over the past week... I realized that I need some type of spirituality in my life, so I've decided to once again study Buddhism, and will make it to the Buddhist Temple next Tuesday to learn how to chant. I think it doesn't even have to be said that my mind moves entirly too fast and some peace is much needed in that arena. I also visited a spiritual healer and learned that not only am I repressed this much I knew, but I have an enourmous amount of anger and rage pent up in my body, so next week I will be taking up boxing, wrestling, or some other kind of rough contact sport... I need to work it out... or as the spiritual healer said "you can't live with that"... although I have been.. but A change is going to come.... I also spent a great amount of time with ShortandCute... I swear were going to end up fucking... I'm soooooo attracted to hear and she's so easy to talk to.. it don't make no damn sense.... WEll, I'm going to go back to eating my chinese food and drinking my glass of white wine.. yall be safe have a good weekend and peace to everyone,..

T.R. Knight comes out the closet

Damn, I just read an article that one of the actors on Grey's Anatomy has come out the closet. Now, why can't some cute black actors do that?

What would happen if lets say Shemar Moore or Boris Kodjoe (cause he's cuter) came out the closet, how would you feel.. how do you think the black community would react?

various poetic thoughts

some of us choice to remain in the closet.
we allow fear to silence and immobilize our lives. but i have to move. i can't stay defined in one box.city.job. expereince.
for long.
i urn for the greater things in life.
n no amount of fear will silence me.

u logged on. posed as a gay man. to lure another gay man into a park.
u four white men. him- one black man. 5'7. 145.
was there even a struggle. or was it easy to beat him. 4 u to think that is was the end of the slavery n u just had to get ur last whips in. how was it.

then he got away. ran ito traffic they say.. n was then hit by a car. STRUCK.. star struck. thats what alot of us are. hiding. making love at night. with the lights off. dark. we want it so dark we dont see. we only see each others teeth as we grunt ourselves into extasy. why is it that this is how it is to be.

first rashawn. now.u. tomorrow maybe me. and even before rashawn there.were.others. when is enough- enough.

the revolution will not be televised. our deaths. will. not. be. in. vain.

we must fight back. to take back the right to be human.

nowadays.

i'm filled with anger. n sadness. and confusion. as i light the joint, put my head to the back as u kiss me passionately. deeply. ur tongue tickles mine. n then i don't hear from u in two days. after u've wetted my palate with ur sweet kisses. laid against ur soft skin. melted within ur arms. n now ur gone. it's reality. it's real/ it's true. but it ain't fair. i want to love u. for u to love. me. but i don't.even.know.u.
ur just a fanatasy within my head. ur touch is the touch i urn for. the touch that sends me to chatrooms. because without it i'm lonely.

Annual Dr. Visit's and other Crazy thoughts

On Wednesday I went for my second Doctors appointment of the year. I always make sure to go to the Doctor's Office at least twice a year and since it's been almost 8 months, I decided it was time to get a check up.

The receptionist as always made me mad, they took too damn long and than sent me to the first floor to register. I told her, it would have been helpful to tell me that when I made my appointment.

At any rate, than the nurse finally sees me and she's talking that "I've been in America but still have my Asian Accent shyt". I ask her about flu shots, they don't have any but I can go to Walgreens and get one. I looked at her like she was crazy. I said I just paid a $20.00 co-pay and my flu shot is included with those monies.. so, yall better have a flu shot next time I come in here. She looked at me like ok, whatever "give me uya arm Mr. Emotional" She then stuck the thermometer in my mouth as she continued to talk so I couldn't answer her. I was like Ok, Kim from Ms. Saigon with a nursuin degree, you damn well I can't answer you and get my tempearute taken at the same time.

But, whatever, I finally got in to see the Doctor. He asked me what was wrong, why had I come. I explained that my ear was hurting me again and was here for my check-up. He weighed me, told me I lost 12 pounds and than told me that I needed to lose some more weight cause my target weight is 165 lbs. I looked at him like he had ten eyes. I mean ok, #1 I'm African American and I'm 5'10. But 165 is weighing too little. .... I know this because I used to be 165, and although you couldn't tell me a thing at the time.. I look back at the pictures and I look like one of the starving children in those Ethiopa save the children commercials.. sickening... so I told him, listen my goal is to get down to 190, thats about it... he said ok kewl.. 185/190 is realistic for you... I smiled and gave him a yeah that's compromise look...

So, then he hits me with "Mr. Emotional, last time you were here your cholestrol was very high and i want to put you on some medication for this".. I was like what... Hey, lets do this send me back down for a new test and than if it's not better you can give me a "make me better/ fix me" pill.... In the meantime, I'll really have to hit that treadmill a little harder because I can't be under thirty having a heart attack.

So, he explained to me about cholesterol and the fact thats it diet based and/or genetic. So, I have to once again alter my diet, which I have already started and will get these pounds down... it's funny how after five years of becoming something/ someone that everyone else wanted -you just now want to be yourself... Right now, even in the throes of the comments regarding my fro.. i just want to let it fro out and get in shape.. I'm bringing the 70's back..and they don't know how to act... yeah. it's a fact.. emotionalbrotha is bringing it all back.... dadda... da.daa.da

Anyway..... so, I have to cut down on meat... in specefic my Wild Wednesday Popeyes Chicken night, where I endugle in 6-8 peices of delicious Popeyes Chicken.. I can now only have about one or two peices.. well my stomach will thank me later... cause I got to abort this little baby I was having...lol... I only look like I'm 3 months pregnant now.. the bike and treadmill kicked the 6 month pregnant stomach down.... hahahah....So, I can't eat some many eggs no more, or lunch meat, or cheese or Popeyes.. and my meat contribution have to be no bigger than a deck of cards.. ha, good luck on that one.. but like i said I can't be having no heart attack so..... Why do I feel like animals are evil??? Or should we even be eating them in the first place, they cause so many problems.. high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholestorol.. maybe we're all supposed to be vegetarians like the Apes and monkeys we evolved from..... just a thought... please don't get ur panties or boxers in a bunch... but seriously.. maybe just maybe we need to stop eating our family members.... just "eat" the kinds of meat that we can't digest.. ain't nothing wrong with pussy juice and u ain't never heard someone dying from eating no kitty kat or enjoying some good dick.... so hey, maybe I will have to get my protein from other sources.. of course than my teeth would be so sharp... and we never know when we will need them to do a Mike Tyson on someone...lol... anyway.. my thoughts are colliding so I will day adieu and holla at ya later... love peace, maturbation and no feces.... LOL...

Craigslist Prank

Ok, this morning I read a few articles about some guy who posed as a woman on the internet and for other guys to reply only to publicly embarrass the guys over the internet. I guess it's just another reminder of why not to give out personal information on the internet. As well as why not to air out your dirty laundry on the net.

Below is a link to the "Experiment" WARNING.. This link contains graphic images and is not approriate to open at work or around children...

CRAZY EXPERIMENT FROM CRAIGSLIST

What would you do if this happened to you? What would you do if all your kinky sides were aired out for all the Net to see? What would you do?

I guess the old saying what happens in the dark must come to light, is well CORRECT..

I'll take Idiots for $1,000.00 Alex...

The question is.. What would you do?

What would I do?

Hmm.. bash the fuckers brain in... lol.. but how would you do that, you don't know who the fuck he is... this is so remiscent of the internet scene in Closer, just more grudgy, crazy and I actually feel kinda bad for these guys... not to mention their wives, who now have all their friends knowing that the real deal is.....

Silent Reminders

This morning, I did my usual, blog reading and my girl Ms. Luvinme, made me cry this morning.. this morning, she reminded me of so much... this morning I have no regrets...

Over the weekend, I met a man, this man and I have something in common, we both dated and loved another man, but of course at different times. This other man is Lot. Yep, the dude that fucked me and left me, and never gave two shits about me. To this day, it hurts when I think about it. This other brotha told me about how after he left Lot alone, he's stomach would hurt ever time he saw him, heard from him, etc. The brotha and I talked, it seemed like forever.. it amazed me how two people could have some what a similiar expereince and how it has taken me years to get over someone who I only "dated" for less than six months. The scars still remain deep... however the healing has begun...

have u ever loved someone so much that it literally caused u physical pains... involuntary reactions to the person? have i? of course, sometimes i feel like such a fool.. but i know understand that i'm just a man. just a man, in every way.. i am human.. and i am affected just about by everything and everyone.. some folks would say that i'm "arrogant" or "conceited" and in their opinions there obviosuly is some truth.. but deep inside i am well fragile, vunerable, and i don't understand why someone would take advantage of someone like that.. why would someone harm someone "just because"? well i don't know... one might say one's childhood, or that someone hurt them so in return they hurt everyone they come into contact with.. pretty much the domino affect.... crashing down.. cascading out of order... right now i am so full.. so full of life, of guilt, of hurt, and paid and sorrow, but also of happiness that these silent reminders are presented to me to help me evolve.. to learn.. to grow.. to mature... to determine what i want to be and don't want to be.. and what i'm willing to accept and what i'm not... one part of me, wants to lash out.. i'm so fucking angry because i'm hurt... because the muthafuckka intentionally hurt me... and i want to cut him... to make him pay for what he continues to do, not only to me, but to other men and women.... he takes us all through if, and leaves u emptier than when u arrived.. and in the end... he did it because i let him.. why couldn't i be stronger.. why didn't i see his bullshyt coming.. before it came.. i mean i'm a smart guy.... but i guess i played the fool... and i will no longer do that... thats one role i will leave for another act to re-enact.... i feel like.. i've done all i can do, and nothing that i have or could do would ever be enough.. so its time, far beyond time,, for me to say fuck off, eat shyt, and die.... get the fuck out my face, head, and heart... u crazy son of a bitch....LMAO..... I know I'm ranting.... but hey it's flowing like that,..it's time to hug n protect and love Emotional.

"Emotional it's aiight, it's aiight man, it's ok".......

Saturday

Man, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of red wine, while my liver & porkchops are cooling down.

Today was a good day, saw a great play at Congo Square Theatre Company, The African Company Presents Richard III. Was great! Of course, ShortandCute, joined me. After the play, we hit a gallery and saw the great artwork of this brotha from Cali, who lives in New York, who paints pictures of urban black man in classical poses with flowers in the back round. Will look for his name and share the culture. Ok, he's name is Kehinde Willey, check him out and let me know what you think...

Today was definetly, a culture Saturday.

After the exhibit, Short and I departed and I went and worked out and than hit the grocery store for some cooking items, which are now cooking.

I will eat, chill for a minute, check out one of the International Film Fest movies and than go to the Chicago Annual party, yep, it's that time of year again.. when I was first reminded of this, I was nervous because this is the 5th year anniversary of me being in Chicago and I know that Lot will be there, but I'm over him, at least I think that and I keep reminding myself of that, so it should be kewl... and of course, brothas will be trying to holla, so long as don't nobody try n cop clock, it's all to the good.

Hopefully Cute, will join me for the movie. I really enjoy spending time with her... today, we had one of our many conversations and she's quite openminded.. and my philospophy is that of Chekhov, "we can't be happy, we just want to be happy".. as soon as ur aware that ur happy, ur no longer happy.. after making this comment Cute, ask me "Emotionalbrotha, are you happy right now, I looked into her eyes and said yes, but now i'm aware of it, so it's over.... We can never be happy, we just want to be.......

but today was or has been a Good Saturday....

Love. Lust. Lies. Memories. (Part 1)

Early this week, my Ex, stopped by my job to drop off some pictures we had taken when we were together. As I looked through the pictures, most of them were of my dogs and then there was a picture of my sitting on the toilet...lol.. yep.. we used to be silly like that. We did many things together and some of those things I sometimes miss, but right after he dropped off the pictures, he immediately called me and told me to come back outside because he had forgotten to give me something. I walked out the lobby thinking that he was going to give me another picture or clothes or whatever, yet he handed me a business card for a barbershop. I guess he picked up the look on my face, cause I've never been good at hiding my emotions and he said its for yoru beard- they do good jobs there. I smiled and said thanks and walked away. When I got back into my office, I looked into the mirror and I saw me. I saw my fro, (yeah I'm bring the 70's back) and I looked at my beard but I had just shaped it up that morning.. and than it hit me. He was doing it again. He was still trying to fix me.

I mean I'm a handsome brotha and I clean up well, however, I'm not the kind of brotha that gets weekly haircuts, or shaves every other day. I'm truly the guy next store with funky feet, a nappy head that he comes and greases, and just a down to earth brotha with crazy thoughts that deserve some kind of comfort. This has always been an issue for him. He has, as other people, wanted me to be a pretty boy- and that's just not who I am. I prefer for people to like me for me and when I shave and get the head done, I want you to be like damn, I didn't know how handsome you really were. I want someone to love and like me for me- the inside of me, the hurtful side of me, the bruised side of me, the side of me that i constantly consul and hug, for my ugly side, for my loving side, for all my sides.... I want someone to love me.... and I can honestly say that I've learned to love myself and everyday I continue to fall in love with myself over and over again. and although I have my self depreviation moments.. even than i love myself.. i haven't lost all sense of my self worth and hope that i never will.

at any rate, this morning, i came to work, getting some work done as usual and i happened to log on to A4A, now as much as I shouldn't be doing that at work, I had some messages and just decided to check them, so I see that TallandDark is on line. TallandDark is this brotha that my Ex was sleeping with behind my back and when it came out, I was well to say the least hurt. And as I looked at his picture, and Tall is not a goood looking brotha (although he has a big dick..lol), the question popped into my head.. what is it about him, that he likes. what does he see in him, what did he have that i didn't and as the tears began to form in my eyes, the answer came- it didn't even matter because my love was no longer the same and it wasn't about him cheating on me or sleeping with me and dude at the same time. it was about me.

It was about my own insecurities. my own vunerability. it was about the fact that he choose this other man over me.. and that is what hurt... it hurt because again i wasn't enough... not enough for him at least, nor for any other man that i had as of late met.

And then and there the water from my eyes fell to the tips of my eye lids and I sat down to write this post.

This post is about me... it's about my own fear, the betrayal i feel. how i so want to love a man but i'm so afraid.. and i think my "hetero" instincts are kicking back in, don't get me wrong i am not straight or heterosexual but i am attracted to women and sometimes I crave their comfort- i also crave the comfort of a strong brotha who i can spend my life with... when will he come and will he ever come? these questions on some levels may never be answered all i can do is hold on to hope and do as I've always done.. take care of me, and love myself like no other.

Major Tude

Right now, I got a major tude! This morning I went through my quarterly bill review process- this is a process I do every quarter, which means I read all my non bills that need to been paid mail and file them in my filing cabinet or I write letters to the assholes who claim I owe them money or who keep harassing me although, I've paid them and have the check and certified mail receipt to prove the recieved it.

Well today, I read over all my consolidation information in regards to my student loans and I can't believe these muthafuckka going to put me on a replayment plan that will give me thrity years to pay them their sorry ass money back, yet will also give me the oppornuity to pay them over twice as much as I borrowed. So, you know I am P I S S E D!!!!!

I done went over my budget for the 40th time, and I will now pay these muthafuckas double payments for the next few years and write them a letter to put the overpayment amount towards my prinicipal balance and don't be putting that shyt as a pre-payment.

Why and the fuck would they put it as a pre-payment anyway? Well, why not... keeps me paying for fucking ever right? And I can't be 58 years old talking about I finally paid off my student loans. I mean how the fuck am I going to buy the house if I'm paying student loans for 30 years???

It's a fucking trip.... so I will say this, to yall whos going to college watch the loans you take at, cause u will have to pay them back and they going to try and fuck u hard.. and it dont feel good.

Saturday Night w/ a Kewl Lady

Last night, I spent the majority of the night with ShortnCute, Short is the kind of woman I would date if things were different. She is about 5'4, very feminine, nice body, a warm personality, has a smile that melts ur heart, and last night she introduced me to the Blues.

Short and I have known each other for a while now, she actually lives on one of the properties that I manage and we originally kicked it off one day when we got to talking about theatre. The conversation started and that was all it wrote- We have hung out a few times, you know movies, culture events, and of course plays. And such was the process last night... except it included a great suprise.

Short and I hooked up about 7:30 and headed to see this play at this church on the Southside... I don't even know if I should call it a play, but it was something else. I love our people I do, but why the play was scheduled to start at 8:00 and didn't start to 9:00, then to make matters worse at 8:30pm there figured they would throw a "comic" on the stage to entertain us until they were ready. To say the least the "play" was a sorta goespal musical, which was poorly directed and we were both just a mess in the audience criticing the play and making faces at one another.. To say the least we couldn't wait until Intermissin, which happened at 10:00pm. We ran up out of there so fast and went and got some shrimp and fish. Now, I have to admit, the ghetto has some good food because last night I tasted the best shrimp the Chi has to offer and them things were big too. After that we went to this blues spot, on the Southside at that.

When we walked in, I was shocked, here right in the middle of LA Hood, was a juke joint, I'm talking live music, full band and singers that could blow... a mixed crowd (black and white) and we couldn't even get a seat for the first 20 minutes it was so packed. We finally got a seat and man the music took us off, we ordered drinks from our waitress, who later we learned was also a bartender and singer.. Old girl wore the place out and when she sang Tine Turner her dancer, Brownsugar, an 86 year old woman who had to be Beyonce and Janet's great grandma took the floor and man that woman had a body that would put both B & J to shame and old girl was mixing it, shaking it, all I can say is it was Bootylicious.

Man, the acts that proceeded were all marvelous, Junkyard did his thang, Slim blew us away, and the other acts although I can't remember their names were marvelous. I will difently be back over there and make sure I get there early to get a good seat and will have to make sure my funds are right cause i could have been there all night- for real!

Anima/Animus

Igght, just got out the bed after laying some serious pipe last night with NewDude, I wore his ass out... but like I said don't think he's masculine enough for me and this morning kind of proved that to me, plus he's starting to get attached so I'm going to have to cut this off.

Such a damn shame, cause the brotha got it going on in some of the other areas, but I don't even sleep good with him, so that's also problematic. I think it's because of the masculine/feminine thing and although I've tried to convince myself to look at the other good things about the brotha, it just ain't helping... I can't help it... I'm not attracted to non masculine guys like that. It's like I mean, be u, be urself, but I'm not attracted to that. And I keep having this MLK conversation in my head about the content of one's character but I like what I like and I like the boy next store versus the boy next store of jumps rope or carries a purse... just my personal preference.. For those who are attracted to non masculine guys, I got a few referrals for you... Nice brothas who just lask Testerone.

I know on one level it seems so shallow, but honestly, if it is than I'm guilty.

I like what I like and what I like is MEN. And if you feminine, which means you act like my lil sister or call ur freinds girl, and shyt like that your not masculine, actually lets put it like this, to me, being "gay" is one thing, it means ur attracted to members of the same sex, and that's kewl with me... now when one starts behaving in the manner of the opposite sex one would have what I would call gender identity issues.

Now, let's be realistic we all have to some degree feminine and masculine characterics, (anima and animus) however when you start thinking, breathing and living as the opposite sex you got some issues...

And I mean shyt live your life, I'm definetely not the person to tell someone how to live, I am however the type of person to say please respect my space and queen out over there... because I'm just not attracted to all that... honestly I don't understand it... and kinda don't want to.. long as I'm tolerant and respectful.. I don't think it makes a difference..

Wine, family, and the big picture

I'm on my second glass of red wine... this seems to have become my rountine... come home from the gig, walk and feed the dog, check my adult e-mails, hit the gym, come home eat and enjoy two glasses of red wine.. I keep telling myself the wine is for health reason but honestly I pretty much just like to drink it... which reminds me I need to go buy six more bottles, while it's still on sale... yep, buy six, get 10% off the sale price, so I'm going to stock up on Merlot... one of my favorites and since lately I've been either feeling lonely of laying up with NewDude, who I'm about to drop cause I don't think he's masculine enough for me... and shyt, he's such a good brotha... nice, sweet, affectionate, got a job, but there's two problems.... #1 he lives with his Mama, him and he's brotha so can't be to take care of her, especially all the time he's been over here and 2, I already mentioned... he needs a little more testerone.. such a fucking shame and i kick myself over this issue all the time cause I know I probably pass up alot of "good" brothas because of this but I'm like, I like what I like.. and I like a man's man... shyt....

So, anyway... had a little conversation with my lil sisters today about what else than my crazy mother because don't know why she would do this, well I do-- she's a religious zealot, who is waiting for Jehovah to come get his people... but at any rate, she got mad at one of my little sisters woke her up in the middle of the night cursing and screaming at her about "how she wasn't going to be nothing"... so, I had to ensure my little sister that that wasn't true.... which was a task.... i try to make sure that they have a healthy sense of self esteem although they are living with religious Hitler.... so, started with "well you know that isn't true", and proceeded to the challenges I've faced as a black "gay" man and how people will always say things but if they aren't true you shouldn't worry about them and when someone tells you "No" you have to be strong enough to say well yes, I will do it, and I will do it for me. And so I decided that I will do it..... I'm going to call and talk to them tomorrow about how them must be better than me, because that's what they were designed to do... I was just the water cutting on and they must continue the stream... will this knock me out of the position in the family as the success or the one who made it yes, but it's more important to me, to make sure they learn how to be oung independent successful women than to glout about how I'm the first and only person in my family who went to college... in the end it's so not about me... no matter how hard that is to tell and accept sometimes... but its true.. the journey is so much to do with others and very little to do with me... and that i do have faith in.....

in the big picture where do u stand?

i choose to stand by others... not alone...

Theatre Review: King Lear

Ok, So, I've decided that I will share some of the culture that I get with Sweetness with you knuckleheads out in the blogasphere.

Tonight, or this afternoon rather, we sat and throughly enjoyed a production of King Lear, starring Stacy Keach at the Goodman. The production was first rate and they most have spent a Million dollars on the set alone, because I was truly taken back, when they had the nerve to have the actors ride out in a car, 5 deep, and when the doors and windows opened, the smoke escaped and they were truly blazed, talking bout a smoke out in Shakespeare day, that shyt was too funny..

The other thing that was funny was my reaction when Edmond, sans clothes rolled all over the stage and Stacey Keach, (King Lear) proceeded to join him in all his nakedness. My eyes were surely amazed and my brain fascinated.

Here the artistic director of the Goodman for the past 20 years has taken one of Shakespeare's mastrepieces, added the most of contemporary of elements, drugs, sex, and rock and roll, twisted with it the language and iambim pentameter of Shakespeare's day that simply shines even through some of the flawed acting. All three sisters in my opinion were Weak.... Goneril, being the weakesy, than Cordelia (who you should care about the most, followed by Regan.... The men for the most part stole the show for me, the marvelous Howard Witt as the Fool, Stacy Keach as LEar (that man has one hell of an imagination), Steve Pickering as Kent (he was the clearest actor of all, in control of the language and truly made you understand every word without needing a dictionary or lexicon).

But out and out, this show is about the Director... Robert Falls has truly taken this Shakesperan tragedy and made it almost a comedy.. something so entertaining your never afraid ur going to fall asleep and he keeps you guessing, with his innuedoes, forbidden love triangles, sense of sexuality and most of all the good and evil that lies in us all.... but even in the end, it is forgiveness that saves this production. We forgive the acting pit falls in favor of the excellent production values and creativity that is truly thrown from the stage.

If I can respect anything it's a man with an imagination and creavity and those are two things Mr. Falls most certainly doesn't lack.

Next week, were off to see Hamlet at Chicago Shakespeare...

So, until than, you'll just have to be entertained with the drama, tragedy, and comedy that comes from my day to day interactions with these crazy people who happened to drop in my life... until than... be safe and be well.

Signing off....

9/11/01

It was like any other morning for a graduate acting student.. Got up early, ate breakfast, ran to the train, made it just in the nic of time. I had movement this morning and I was known for being late to my class.

Class always started in time, and if your ass wasn't there when the door shut, you were absent. Sit your ass in the hallway and watch everyone else roll around on the mats and imagine what the teacher is saying as she takes everyone but you through today's lesson. But, today, I wasn't in the hallway- today I was on time.

Today I was at my locker changing into my warm up gear and as I entered the classroom, the lights were dim, the music began to play and I along with my other 8 classmates began to roll on the mats, feeling our spines, lengthen and stretching our bodies, releasing the tension in the small of our backs or focusing on the position of our sternums.. and chest up.. release... we worked just about every part of our bodies, in near darkness, the teacher lead us through the warm-up. I remember being so comfortable, relaxed even.. then it happened.

A small voice opened the door and said I'm sorry you have to leave the University is closed.. none of us knew what happened, or how it happened, we just knew that we had to go back home.. and here I was for once on time.

Little did I know, until we walked down a few blocks to catch the train..

little did I know that a plane had run into the WTC.

Little did I know before I would make it home to my apartment with two of my classmates that the other plane would hit..

Little would I know that my heart would pound and tears would come to my eyes as I witnessed people jumping to their deaths.. refusing to be burned by fire or smashed to peices..

little would I know that here I was watching humanity.. mankind struggling with the most unimaginable thing ever.. with survival..

I got on my cell phone and tried to call one of my exes, although we hadn't talked in some time.. My mouth suddenly longed for the taste of his saliva, for the warmth of he's embrace. to know that he was ok... and wasn't in or near that building... those buildings...

i became and remained tense... afraid... for lack of a better word and deeply confused... my phone kept going off, calls from loved ones making sure i was ok and warning me not to go down town because the Sears tower might be next..

I wanted to disappear to dig a hole so deep that I could hide from any harm, but I couldn't there I sat watching human life collapse as the tower went down... mouth agape.. unbelieving what I just witnessed... and than again... the other tower and than i felt disgust, vomit wanting to purge from my chest but nothing would release but tears and anguish..

this sights would run through the television for the next few days.. we remained numb....

later that day we said our good byes and there i sat in my one bedroom apartment wondering in the words of Marvin Gay "what's going on?"