God help me....

God help me to forgive.. i realize i'm stuck and if i don't start the process of forgiving i won't be able to move on... help me forgive all those who have hurt me and help me to forgive myself for my moments of indescretion and for my weakness and for just not knowing and loving me.... help me to understand what forgiveness is... true forgiveness help me have mercy and love and understanding for my parents and the women and men who have hurt me and let me be gentle with myself not beating myself up for the things i can not change.. help me to know that i'm not in control nor do i have to be.. help me to forgive those i feel abadoned me or didn't help my mother out when that man was whipping her ass... help me to forgive those that put my knees in the dirt and the man who tried to sodomize me the one who made me choke on his thing and the one who made me stand in chairs all night and who tried to ruin my life.. help me forgive the lil boy who was afraid of the green car and who rain just to taste rocks and dirt and tomatos andground beef and my mother for not protecting me.. help me to forgive even when i don't want to.. when i want to hate and when i want them to suffer for what they did to me... help me to see all the goood inside of me... help me to see the good in other people.. help me to allow other people to be who they are and the freedom for them to live with victimization from myself or others... help the world be a better place where lil black boys don't live in fear of death or drugs or incest or not being loved or looking for love in all the wrong places and still not finding love and running away from hiv..... thank u for letting me not becoming infected and for realizing that my negative status is not a badge of honor because nobody deserves hiv and noone asks for it-- forgive those who've tried to infect me... forgive those who've intentlifull deceived me and broken my heart... who've lied to me... and to those who tried to break me... help me to forgive them... to truly forgive them and to understand the lesson which i was supposed to learn.. help me as i face my past and began picking up all the pieces of myself that i left behind... help me find my joy..... my smile... my hope.. help me live with my pain and my fear and to not inflect it on others... help me see the good in others and in myself.. help me deal with my insecurities and help me to sleep at night without the nightmares... i now understand i can't run from the past -- i must face it.. embrace it... because it has made me who i am... but i don't have to be the past.. i can still be a GREAT man.... i can be a better man than my father ever was.... and i can be a lover, a protector, and a warrior.. because i've survived through some much already and i know that even when i thought i was alone someone was there with me... even when i felt i was alll allone.. someone was there with me... through the tears and the blood and this low self esteeem let me know that someone is here with me.... help me to love myself and trust myself and value myself and know that i deserve more than quick sex or quick flirtations with passerby... help me to learn to let someone good love me... to know that i'm worth it.. and to comfort the voices that tell me i'm not... that tell me that i can't compete and that make excuses for why people won't love me... help me to be healthy... to be strong... to be wise.. to be sincere and to take others feelings in consideration... help me to stop being so arrogant and ignorant...... help me to understand and to believe... help me to be me....

Embarking on forgiveness Part 1 of ??

I've spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me & feeling pitiful because I wasn't someone or something else.

In the end all I wanted was for my parents to love me & they didn't & then & there lies the problem. - because how on earth could or would anyone else love me when the two people who should have didn't/wouldn't or /couldn't-

and here in lies the misery which has become my life-- but this misery rest here no more because today i realize that i am strong & courageous & (as unmasculine as it may sound) Beautiful... realistically human stretching for the gods to help me- to aid me in this life which by giving up control i have gain another kinda of control and i can get to sleep with out much fuss most nights-- although i would like to lay next to someone i refuse to be a "cum dumpster" or a "sperm donor" in another's fantasy of words and illusion-- my life has no time for that kind of madness--- from here i can only go UP! Because my life has been well "interesting" to say the least--- I've learned alot... been challenged and suceeded and failed but i'm still here... i'm still alive & just in that lies beauty that I've never known-- the assurance that i can just breathe in peace-- noone to smother my oxygen or to disgrace my heart wit words or wounds.... today i realize that i have become a MAN right in the front of my own eyes-- that i've grown and i have regrets and i have triumphs which i will share one day in the safety of someone's arms who loves me.... and know i know that i also love me-- because i have the courage to speak the truth.. the truth is my life is not as i ever seemed... it is unfolding in front of me... sometimes i miss u aaj, and sometimes i wonder could we ever be friends today- but i dont know... and i give it up to the universe but i do want to say that i'm sorry and i understand that u could never love me even if u wanted to... because we come from two different part of the tracks although, those tracks shared many of the same dreams & secrets as children in WEA.

That's back when i gave my heart to you without knowing it-- and also the first of many rejections that would come with me opening myself up and giving freely-- now i realize this/u/ have made me stronger-- sharing my love with u- helped me grow more and more stronger every day--- no we may never have a relationship or even talk or see each other again, but this is today-- it's time for me to let go.....

Luther VanDross - A House is not a Home (Live)

Am I worthy/ facing my own fears

Today, as I was working out.. I realized something-- the something that I realized was all the negativity that was boggling in my head.. the tiny voices that whispered "you'll never look like that" or such and such dude would never find you attractive so don't even look over there- as the voices begin to merge i begin to feel tears come to my eyes and than a burning in my chest and right than and there i decided no more... No more excuses of why somebody won't or can't or shouldn't love me- and no more excuses why i should protect myself and only deal with guys that in my mind can approach me/ although deep inside i always feel like their not going to be able to handle me- also deep down inside i don't feel attractive although i normally get alot of attention per say- deep down in side i feel ugly/ unworthy/ and unimportant- however, all this is a lie- i'm not ugly- i am worthy, and yes not everything is for everybody, but i am for somebody- and shyt dudes would be crazy not to be with a brotha like me--- well without all the insecurities and the constant pealing of sores around every part of me that is worthy and naturally good.... i guess i can begin to deal with my own guilt and start forgiving others and myself ---- because now i realize that i've been standing in my own way-- and the only way for me to be truly happy is to surrender and move on- i cant change the past--- i have some control but not much on the future-- and here in the present the best i can do is breathe and let go--- to let things be what and how their supposed to be--- so far in my life things have been good- yes i've fell a few times and had a few heartbreaks, lost friends, angered family members and disrespected and disgraced myself but even in my loneliness moments i find a glitter of hope that keeps me going and that allows me to survive under any and all conditions... i am a survivor a warrior or has showed and hidden too many scars and denied himself the chance to feel the sun against his face and the beaming of his smile to grace the hearts of others without being drowned by fear-- today all this stops--- because when you know better you can do better--- today i desire the wisdom to do better- to be complete and to become a better man-- a better person-- not only for me, but for all the little me's that make me. --- for all the emotional brothas who felt the belts against their skin and heard the cries of their mothers but had no strength to intervene- for all the broken hearted dirty little boys who grow up in the projects and has a candy lady for a mother, who cant imagine and dare to dream, only to one day see their dream become a nightmare before their eyes because the love they've been craving has been right inside of them unleashed all their lives and all they need was the poem to set them free/ to allow them to breath/ the allow them to be/ black.dirty.poor.male.sweet.kind.proud.ashamed.unpowered.empowered.sensitive.loving.scared.unapologetic.rebel.homo.erotic.spin
of the life and times of a poor black ghetto boy who escaped and dared to dream past the ugly reality of america.

The truth is...

The truth is....

I really want to be in a relationship.. to have one brotha to come home to.. to lay up next to.. to feel .. to hold.. to love.. to cherish.. to be mine... so i shouldn't be having sex with anyone who is not this brotha.... i've never felt more sick and tired than i do right now... i want and need to be understood and god if u can hear me, help me be the man i'm supposed to be... help me to be strong and not to hurt people... help me have compassion and empathy for those who have none for me... help me forgive my mother and father and everyone else that has hurt me.... i now realize that i'm hurt and i've been hiding it.... and i need strength to do what i once thought was imposibile "impossible"---- i want and need to begin to forgive those who have hurt me-- and i'm ready to move on..... i'm ready to love again.... lord please help me...

Why?

i hate myself for everything i am and everything i am not
why don't i feel good enough
why do i tell myself over and over that know one is going to love me and than end up aliented and angry with myself
why do these negative thoughts conitously run through my head
why cant the voices find comfort in my accomplishments
why cant i sleep thru the night
why, why, why, lord why
why can't i surrender even when i try
when am i so full of anger n fear
why do i do so well and yet and still cant find love
why am i suffering from depression
why, why, why... i keep asking myself why
why didn't my mother protect, my did my father leave me
why does everyone who loves me leave
why is it that i feel aliented and different and above but below people
why do i suffer from guilt
why am i so emotional
why do i sometimes wish i was dead
why do i continue living
why do the thoughts ramble through my head
why do i jerk off to go to sleep
why do i need a hug n kiss n the words i love u to feel, i don't know human
why does everyone else seem so happy but i feel so down and depressed
why is this contiunually coming...
why cant i rest
why cant i relax
why did i stop believing in god
did god abadon me
does god care for me
is god angry with me
is god dead
can god hear this prayer
can god answer my question
help me to surrender
i neeed to surrender
i'm willing to surrender- why cant i surrender
why am i a control freak
why do i love so hard
why do i try to control people
why dont i understand that i cant make someone love me
why do i fall for the wrong guys
why are so many guys infected with hiv
why cant i just be straight
why do i have to live in fear that i will fall in love with someone hiv+
why do i FEAR loving at all
why, why, why

A Moment of clarity

There is so much in my life that I'm ashamed of/so many memories invade my body and leave me unable to sleep/my ankles remember things that a lil black boy should have never seen or experienced/numerous nights of allowing my nude body to fall into the falls of someone who not only murdered my hope/ but my pride/ becuz they couldn't see the fear behind my eyes/ i only wanted to be held and to hold you instead we ended entrapped in a fantast of dreams and lies/ never to see each other again for some years/ and occasionally i'll think of u, & remember the good times/ remember the nights i slept next to u n the shadows while darkness laid between us/ me whispering softly that u were mine/ but u were off asleep in the middle of the night with some other girl or guy/ & i was left alone to fend for some in the darkness- thats the onnly place i allow myself to cry/
now when men come to sleep in my bed/ i ask them to go home in the middle of the night or they often take their cue and leave me alone/ after they've drained my manhood and left me weak/ after my toes have curled and i've made manly sounds and released my loins/ i lay nude thinking of u/ trying desperately to quiet the voices that tell me that noone will love me/ and that he can't possible love me/ and i ask my self what is wrong wit u. and i beat myself for being everything i am and than pick up my limbs, wash them off, and devour them all over again. i nibble at the tissue of my arms & legs & thighs & suck my own dick n play wit my own butt hole/ cause u'll never tough me again/ n my knees with never feel that sand again/ becuz i will know longer be used/ or ur victim whore to do ur will and than leave. that black boy- naive as he was- still cries in that field and the man i am today picks him up and hugs him close/ holds him close- sometimes too close/. almost soffacting him, but allowing him to breathe... after today he will go back out. after learning one of the hardest lessons one must learn in a field of one of americas most loved sports.

Over a glass of scotch

Tonight, I find myself like many other nights that I've spent... alone... drinking a glass of scotch- sitting back feeling a lil self pity, but at the same time realizing how blessed i am and how much i still have yet to learn--- this past weekend i got some culture in my life-- and i also realized just how lonely i truly am--- how alone i feel and asking my self why i don't have anyone in my life-- and the voices began to whisper thoughts into my head and than i caught myself saying i deserve love no matter what.. no matter of the nightmares and my knees in the sand, the bruises and the underwear that i peaked underneath the door only to have them reveal that the big I had infected my reality and my pyschology and that i've felt used, and abused and not worthy of love.. and thats really one of the reason that i din't believe in god-- because i felt like god abadoned me-- but now i realize that something has and will always be there for me- in the moments when my soul acts for the most comfort, wither it be sitting in a dark room allowing my fingers to write out or at least attempt to release this pain....

Dick AND Ass.........

Dick and Ass ain't worth my life....

I've spent the last six weeks ladi up or across from lying ass negro... yep, i asked and he lied time and time again.. and he said it's because i didn't create a safe space for him to tell the truth/ but i say shyt if u don't want me than don' t talk to me/ don't Fantasia sing that hell outta that song/ n niggahs act like that ain't never heard the words/ well shyt right know i don't want to see you know more cause u can't/won't/ don't want to be honest/ i had to go through ur shyt to find out that ur hiv + and we done had sex... ain't that some shyt/ the dumb fool side of me would have slept with u wit no rubber- but the smarter side of me knew better/ pity the fool that fucks with u the next time and doesn't check the closet and the medicine cabinet and underneath the bathroom sink/ because his ass could be what u were/are to the idoit that didn't tell u/ sorry babe. but i got to protect myself. and sense u were being selfish/ not telling the truth/ and being detached and unavailable/ i have nothing left to say but dick and ass is good but my health and sanity is bettter.....

Today, I feel such a sense of pity for my self or perhaps its agony as if life gets no better and in some ways i hope could get no worse- this aching sense that i'm becoming depressed seems to be a reality- the fact that i hat to be alone but am still lonely even when i'm around others is creeping from my brains membrane to the ends of my hair follicles and the silent tears of yesterday began to warp my heart as i reminscence about the dreams and visions of yesterday, all of which have know disappeareed into vapor and shadows which wake me at night- my body is numb, my mind swirls as the thoughts run through my mind like a twister rolls through the sea and destroys the homes before it- my creativity is drowing as i constantly gasp for air & feel my lungs cave from underneath my rib cage but than i remind that i've really never breathed-- i've always held my breath from being heard as i hid beneath the surface of a dusty black boy- ignorant, poor, & dirty-- only holding on to the dream that someone/ somewhere would love me and take away all the hurt that i once and continue to feel-- but that time and space and person has never come and at one point i thought it was you but than you did like all the rest and disappointed me but even worse because i told you what i wanted- what i desired- what i wished n felt-- and all i needed for u to do was to hold me so i could once again breat-- breath like i did as a very young infant before all the fist & blood rumagged through my mind- before the tabloids runied the little bit of sanity and innoncent from my limb body- as you raped my mouth with ur cock i wished that it would stopped but warranted for it to happen again-- what a sick creature i was- not knowing how to stop the crusading waves from torturing my inner most treasure--- not being able to breath- i just want to fucking breath- so get out-- go!! leave liek everyone else so i can finally be alone and be ok, because i don't need love if this is what love is.. i don't need anything.... not even air... because after all it's been so long since air has tickled my lips and went down my throat-- because i'm afraid to breath u into me.... so afraid to be hurt again... but dammmit i have to breathe.... i have to learn to breathe.. even with all the craziness in the world.... there has to be some place where a brotha can just breathe...

Notes to my Heart

It's time to let it go...to learn how to forgive- to forgive everyone for everything that's happened... if we look hard enough we will find what we've always been looking for and if we ask the universe we shall recieve the peace that awaits... as he slept and i looked into his eyes i felt something for him, something unbelievable and true--- i closed my eyes and looked again.. i love the way he smells- his awardness...... i just like this dude and that's ok.. even if he he doesn't like me back the way I want him to.. it's ok..... I'm ok.. we're ok... we've come a long way to turn back and we've done well for us.. for a little dirty, poor, black boy from the projects of W.E. we've done damn good... so let the tears fall.. let the rain beat against ur cheeks because everything will be ok.....

"god" will be ok... mom will be ok.. my trifflin ass daddy will be ok... my fam will be ok., my friends dead and alive will be ok.... grandma will be ok.... right know...lets just take a few minutes to breath-- relax the anxiety and bitterness.. the rage .... and sadness and move the fuck on.... theres so much life out there.....

Shyt...OR get off the pot....

For the past two days I've found myself in a somber mood--- might have been because desipte my hopes Audra didn't win the Tony on Sunday or the fact that I've met someone who I like more than they like me and don't really know if I comfortable with that--- might also be because work is rough right now and I need to learn a shit load of stuff...

I'm also getting depressed about the DC "Gay" atmosphere-- it's literally depressing, enough to make one slit his wrist and thrown himself into the Potomac... but I shall not...

There are also quite a few "love/lust" interest and at this point I think I'm ready for a serious relationship.. at least a one on one connection so some of these guys are going to have to shit (not literaally) or get off the pot....

LeftmygirlnHYC is in town and I've got to tell him what I want and I know he's not ready for that... but my heart is......

soo.. we'll see how that goes.. hope everyone is well....

I'm out

New Beginnings

Today, I started my new job! *thumbs up* - the day was to say the least very challenging- got up a tad too late, ended up in the wrong place, but not at any fault of my own- my e-mail account and things were not set-up, I was unable to get into the system and I learned that I would only be not working 3 holidays out of the year- no big deal RIGHT? RIGHT!!!

So, other than that, I now how to look for an apartment and learn a ton of shyt so I can be successful at my job!

My personal life is a mess... I'm looking for intimacy but finding nothing but sex.. and boy does dc have alot of sex...and I'm just glad I'm turning down most of the sex... cant say I'm turning it all down-- cause I couldn't say no to this one cat.... but for the most part REALLY REALLY behaving... not trying to get played out in DC or for that matter simply PLAYED!

Had some other stuff I wanted tpo blog, but forgot what it was-- a brotha going to bed.. be safe peeps

African Americans & The Tonys

Today, the tony awards got announced.. and the AA's showed out... my girl Audra fucking McDonald got another nomination- this chick can't step on a stage without being nominated-- go on girl. She already had four wins, could this year make 5- Well I have to go spend that $100.00 to get me a ticket to 110 in the shade because I've been in love with her since the first time I heard her sing.....

The other black folks acted out also Anthony Chisolm, John Earl Jelks in that August Wilson style.... man ole man look how far we've come----

Lost & Confused

I have so much to say all of a sudden- the words ramble in my mind like bees in a nest occupied by the duty set before them to please their queen... the words roll through my veins, through the bile that is my gall bladder, my bladder, my kidneys, my colon, and it trickles down through my rectum and on the floor because now i'm forced to look at the shyt that i believe and honestly it doesn't look nor smell too good.....

i don't know what i believe anymore--- i know that i'm finding that i'm lonely, even when i'm with people i find it hard to connect and than qhwn i do connect it is with a grip that is so tight it threatens to suffocate any possibility of growth- i guess the truth is i am that insecure- i am that vulnerable- i am that human.......i urn for things not known- things that i can understand and everything that is written and seen has reason and follows a concept- that everything truly does happen for a reason- that everything will make sense in the end.

what my eyes see today makes no sense- has no rythm nor reason- pity, senseless acts made by egomaniacs who for whatever reason have convinced themselves that it's all about them-- today as i laid down to take a nap.. i wonder if one of those people were me? was i being the "legend in my own mind"-- was i fullfilling my purposes or was i just being a "bitch box" who's unhappy with their life- doesn't feel like the have the power to change it, although they make mediocre steps and have "Accompiments" that can endorn the walls of anyplace i end up calling home.. and yet and still i end up at step one-- feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands me, and that the sense of humanity i long for is within the hills with buddhist monks who spend their time chanting and patiently waiting for "enlightment"....

today, i realize that i am so confused...so lost without an understanding of why i'm lost, why i'm lonely, why i find it hard to trust other people and a man once told me that i have to find someone or something to believe in and until i do my wonderingness will continue-- am i the needle in the hay stack or am i simple just some over self indulgent guy who simply has not learned that it really ain't that deep and i'm really not that important- in the big picture of things- i am simple one small microcosm of the universe and as silly as it seems on some level there most be a purpose or a job, something that i can attack with the fearlessness that urges an animal to seek out its prey

Things Fall Apart

Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold....

Last night as I was washing clothes, a man came to speak with me.. the more he spoke the more interesting the conversation got- we talked about being black man in a world that doesn't teach us to respect and value ourselves, we talked about young black america, we talked about growing up poor, we talked about south jersey, we talked and talked and talked and than the conversation took a serious bad turn- this man started to talk about religion to me and at the end of the conversation he had the audacity to ask me to accept jesus christ as my personal lord and savior... this i aim unable to do- unwilling to do.. and it made me think-- whats really going on... why don't i believe... why do i refuse to believe.... why don't have have faith... it made me think--- and i thought about it for a hard long time.... the words of this brotha repeated themselves in my head.... talk to god... seek him out.. be str8 with him... let him know that ur confusioned and u have questions.... job had questions... noah had questions..... and yes, emotionalbrotha does have questions... questions filled with rage and hate and hurt and mistreat and no love given by anyone's god.... god turned "his" back on me a long time ago.. and even when i tried to believe i really didn't believe-- i don't think i've every believed-- i used to act like i did for other people... for everyone else but deep down in side... i wish i could but i can't... i refuse to because none of it makes any sense....

God is old and senile...

Or maybe Beneatha said it best....

"Mama, you don't understand. It's all a matter of ideas, and God is just one idea I don't accept. It's not important. I am not going out and be immoral or commit crimes because I don't believe in God. I don't even think about it. It's just that I get tired of Him getting credit for all the things the human race achieves through its own stubborn effort. There simply is no blasted God-there is man and it is he who makes miracles!"

Right know I really don't know.... what to believe.....

The Phone Call

Ok, today I received the phone call that I've been waiting for weeks for- my job offer phone call came today and my ass missed it--- It went to voicemail and I didn't check my voicemail until after 4:00pm today-- but hey this black man's unemployment may be about over....

Well see i guess what kind of offering they're extending and take it from there.

Strength

I've always been strong and that with each day I only become stronger- the beauty is that I am finally realizing that I am becoming the man I'm meant to be. - with each breathe, every step that i walk, every second that i'm able to close my eyes and sleep, peaceful sleep even without a permanent job, and my own place, and all the beautiful things that i once had- i still have myself- and great friends & family- and my life may not always go the way that i want it to- i may be humbled/many times over/ until i truly learn the lesson that it to be learned/ my smile can never be taken away/ my strength lies within/ no longer closing off the world/ but realizing that i show my heart to those that i used to/ the closeness that comes within the death of an era/ the reincarnation of the new journey begins/ with the newness of the birth of flowers in springtime and as wet as the snow in winter & soon the universe will bring out the sun to dry all my tears & bless me with the release of seeing a new garden, a new field, a new forest with new trees/ from old seeds, and all this beauty would have come from me

Reality

For the last past days, I've been realizing something about my self and the world in which I live in- It seems as if just five shorts weeks ago I was in Chicago doing the damn thing and not five weeks later, here I am in Washington, Dc- I'm so damn happy to be back on the East Coast and although things haven't necessarily gone the way I thought they would- I'm ok.. and I'm very thankful for just being able to breathe oxygen into my lungs and the fact that my brain works, and I have legs to walk on.-- There's so much that I'm greatful for- sometimes it's just the fact that I can smile- that I can look at life and know that this too shall pass and that I still have it and within me I have everything that I will ever need....

It's like in the musical the Color Purple (and although i haven't seen it yet- I've been singing the lyrics to I'm Here).....

I don't need you to love me...... I don't need you to lovvveee.....

I got...... I goootttt.....

good friends,
great family members,
my health,
my strength,
a good sound mind,
a good body,
a good heart,
empathy for those who hate their lives,

i just love me right now... even if I am techinically void of a permanent job---- i got what

I've always had-- myself...

"I got my hands-- doing good like the used to"

"showing my heart to the folks I'm close to"

"Got my eyes- though the don't see that far now--- they see how things really r now"

thank u to my good friends for supporting n loving me--

"but most of all I'm thankful loving who I really am"

It's really depresing when you see people who don't see the joy in their lives, the don't see the good in themselves, in you, in others, they set on the subway and stare into space-- that must be a sad exitence......i'm just glad that i am and can be me.... there's nothing more important to Emotional than being exactly who he is and all his complexity.....