Moving out of a place of shame

Here I am. A few years later but still crying/ trying to figure out what I keep doing wrong. The best mistakes that keep me in an emotional and grounded place. But also a place of great depression and loneliness. This is a place that has a minefield of explosives just waiting for me to take another step that will uncover yet another blemish of this thing we call life. Some days I'm happy and other days I'm sad. I seem to cry about every day and may rid it weren't for that I wouldn't believe I was alive or still human. This life is hard for a black man and to add to the complication I'm gay and recently found out that I'm HIV +. I never thought this experience would be mine. That I could enter into a place that drives my depression into overdrive. Into a place of neglect and abandonedment a place that every time you meet a new guy who your attracted to you have to decide how and why and when your going to have "the" conversation. And then how you have to prepare yourself for "the reaction". Every time is like the first time but I refuse to let shame run my life or severely affect my self esteem. Regardless of the optimism it doesn't change the dreadful moment of bein attracted to someone and knowing that you must have this conversation because I refuse to put someone in the situation that I was put in. Makin a decision without all the necessary information. But I can't even be angry with dude Nymore because I had the responsibility of protecting myself And I didn't. Now Im left to deal with the effects of my decision. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I was still with dude but I don't even have that condelence as of now I'm left to navigate this alone. The one place and one thing I didn't want to deal with has. One with the chickens to roast. E

Create a New World

Lately I've been battling with alot of my demons and realizing mistakes that I've made...let's call them lessons learned... I feel like I'm a good person...better than I've felt in a long time...I still have a way to go to become the Man I'm supposed to be but being there for my family is what's important to me... also what brought me back to DC...it's important for little girls to have support when they go to college so I'm here to be her rock without cramping her style...to give her adult advice without overstepping my boundaries...this weekend I will spend time with my brother and his wife and one of my neices...like I said I'm a Man about family...its family who watch you and pick you up when you fall...its also friends who have become like family or better put who are my extended family who help and aid me when and if I let them when I'm weak...right now it's like I Who have nothing is what I'm feeling the most.... I keep my heart guarded in order not to be hurt knowing that its inevitable will happen because after all I'm a good person... and today I did something that I wouldnt ordinarily do especially to someone who really isn't a part of my life...there's this guy I know who likes me alot..we've known each other for probably about two years...well yesterday he called me and I was like I'll call you back in 30 minutes..to make a long story short I never called him back... didn't intend to in the first place...well today he texted me and was like you never called me back...don't ask me how or where it came from but instead of bullshitting the brotha, I simply said "man that was my fault I was being selfish..I apologize..don't know what that all means or even where it came from but it felt right...for once in my life there was no regret, no fear, anger, sadness, there was just peace...i had told the truth for once... not that I'm known to be a liar, but I've told my share of stories....today I decided there was no story to be told...I was being selfish and wasted the brothas time....he deserved an apology and I was Man enough to give it to him...today i created a new world...

Bigger Fish to Fry

Lately it seems that I have very low tolerance for negativity or bull shit..life is too short to worry about things you cant control or to live an unhappy life. Right now a brotha is just getting his mind right...besides I have bigger fish to fry...

Building back up one day at a time

It seems like lately I'm building myself back up one day at a time--- Learning to see the beauty in life.

Yesterday I had a GREAT day.... I went to church, lunch, saw My Sister's Keeper, hung out with my lil Sis, dinner, then saw The Hangover.... returned home exhausted. It was such a great day!

Long Road taken to end up right where I began

Last year I lost my job and moved to NYC. It was a crazy move and the city that never sleeps changed my life. Originally I was excited about the move and excited about being a New Yorker, however this is before the crowds, expense, and rudeness shook me from my boots! To make a long story short, I'm right back where I began three years ago...back in DC, unemployed, but happy!

My Favorrite Past Time .....Sleeping...

Lately, all I can seem to do is sleep..... but I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging.... wish me luck.....

Psuedo Responsibility

Tonight as I await for my medication to kick in- everything seems much clearer. I find it hard to get along with other people because I find it hard to get along with myself. I talk about progression and purpose, but yet and still I work at a job where I'm not contributing shyt to the general population.

The rich get rich and the poor get poorer, and I sit along on the sidelines and wrestle with others problems, for a nice salary and benefits but today I acknowledge that I need a purpose driven life..... I need somethinhg more to believe in and it starts with a search for a better job.