One Brotha's Journey

Create a New World

2009-07-16T14:50:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been battling with alot of my demons and realizing mistakes that I've made...let's call them lessons learned... I feel like I'm a good person...better than I've felt in a long time...I still have a way to go to become the Man I'm supposed to be but being there for my family is what's important to me... also what brought me back to DC...it's important for little girls to have support when they go to college so I'm here to be her rock without cramping her style...to give her adult advice without overstepping my boundaries...this weekend I will spend time with my brother and his wife and one of my neices...like I said I'm a Man about family...its family who watch you and pick you up when you fall...its also friends who have become like family or better put who are my extended family who help and aid me when and if I let them when I'm weak...right now it's like I Who have nothing is what I'm feeling the most.... I keep my heart guarded in order not to be hurt knowing that its inevitable will happen because after all I'm a good person... and today I did something that I wouldnt ordinarily do especially to someone who really isn't a part of my life...there's this guy I know who likes me alot..we've known each other for probably about two years...well yesterday he called me and I was like I'll call you back in 30 minutes..to make a long story short I never called him back... didn't intend to in the first place...well today he texted me and was like you never called me back...don't ask me how or where it came from but instead of bullshitting the brotha, I simply said "man that was my fault I was being selfish..I apologize..don't know what that all means or even where it came from but it felt right...for once in my life there was no regret, no fear, anger, sadness, there was just peace...i had told the truth for once... not that I'm known to be a liar, but I've told my share of stories....today I decided there was no story to be told...I was being selfish and wasted the brothas time....he deserved an apology and I was Man enough to give it to him...today i created a new world...

Bigger Fish to Fry

2009-07-14T22:51:00.001-05:00

Lately it seems that I have very low tolerance for negativity or bull shit..life is too short to worry about things you cant control or to live an unhappy life. Right now a brotha is just getting his mind right...besides I have bigger fish to fry...

Building back up one day at a time

2009-07-13T12:52:00.002-05:00

It seems like lately I'm building myself back up one day at a time--- Learning to see the beauty in life.

Yesterday I had a GREAT day.... I went to church, lunch, saw My Sister's Keeper, hung out with my lil Sis, dinner, then saw The Hangover.... returned home exhausted. It was such a great day!

Long Road taken to end up right where I began

2009-07-10T12:02:00.002-05:00

Last year I lost my job and moved to NYC. It was a crazy move and the city that never sleeps changed my life. Originally I was excited about the move and excited about being a New Yorker, however this is before the crowds, expense, and rudeness shook me from my boots! To make a long story short, I'm right back where I began three years ago...back in DC, unemployed, but happy!

My Favorrite Past Time .....Sleeping...

2008-09-03T19:29:00.001-05:00

Lately, all I can seem to do is sleep..... but I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging.... wish me luck.....

Psuedo Responsibility

2008-09-02T01:22:00.002-05:00

Tonight as I await for my medication to kick in- everything seems much clearer. I find it hard to get along with other people because I find it hard to get along with myself. I talk about progression and purpose, but yet and still I work at a job where I'm not contributing shyt to the general population.

The rich get rich and the poor get poorer, and I sit along on the sidelines and wrestle with others problems, for a nice salary and benefits but today I acknowledge that I need a purpose driven life..... I need somethinhg more to believe in and it starts with a search for a better job.

Papa Don't Preach

2008-08-28T17:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I finally came out to my father. The rest of my close family personally already knew because I told them eleven (11) years ago. But because my father and I never had a relationship he was the only one I hadn't personally told that I wasn't hetersexual.

The conversation went pretty well, partly based on the fact that someone from back home had ran my business thru the street and partly because I am finally at the point in my life where I am comfortable with the decisions I've made and at peace (for the most part) with the fact that my sexual oreintation was choosen years ago- even before I started pulling up little girls dresses and pinching little boys on the behind.

My father's response was one that I hadn't expected... it was true acceptance... he said that...
I'm grown and the decesions I make are mine
that he loves me no matter what
that Jesus loves me
that he's proud of the man that I've become
to not allow people to beat up on me or to beat up on myself because of my sexual orientation
that he always brags about the fact that i put myself through college
that he was always harder on me because i was he's son and that no matter what he loves me...

my father gave me a blessing that i've in some way urned for since childhood..... love...... now, if i can erase the fabrication that my parents don't love me.. maybe... just maybe i can love and accept love in return from my one and only....

if no one told you today...... somebody loves you.... and although my dad's now a pastor he sure didn't preach... and I thank god for that

Work & Identity

2008-08-27T14:43:00.002-05:00

For the past two months I have not gone to work. I have a medical excuse as to why I'm not there but it seems like the depression from not going to work or perhaps my day not being structured from the work that I'm required to do for a paycheck has finally got to me.

And it is now that I have to ask my self the following:

How does work attribute to my identity?
How does work affect my self esteem (I mean there is no business cards any more to identify who and what I do)?
How has work prevented me from focusing on what's really important in my life?
Am I working a job which speaks to my heart and to my potential?
Would I be happier working somewhere else/ doing something else?
How has work helped me get to where I am in life and at what cost?
Does my work give me pleasure?

These are the questions that I'm battling with today as I wake up after 3:00pm and not because I didn't go to bed at a reasonable time but more because the work I've done is not satisfying....

What's a brotha to do????

Here's Where I Stand - from CAMP

2008-06-17T22:49:00.001-05:00

My Favorite Erykah Badu Song- Green Eyes

2008-06-15T10:53:00.001-05:00

This the best shyt she ever made... i loves this shyt!

Can't be good - Janet Jackson

2008-06-15T10:40:00.001-05:00

Yo, don't she sound like Mike? Thought that brotha was bout to come back- LOL

Is This True? 10 Types of gays on Campus

2008-06-14T16:20:00.002-05:00

got dis offa myspace&blkgaychat

1. THE DL HOMOPHOBE – He can spot any gay guy anywhere at anytime. He always has something negative to say to or about the gay guy, but in reality he just wants the gay boy’s attention. Homophobes are usually attracted to masculine gay men as the feminine ones will blow their cover. Also Statistics show that the HOMOPHOBES are the messiest of them all.

2. THE AVERAGE STR8 GUY - This is the most difficult type to detect. He’s the typical straight guy, he loves sports, he adores cars, he can fix almost everything….nothing out of the ordinary till u walk in on him doing something with a dude. We call these men TRADES. You had no clue they were gay…and chances are they can teach the OPENLY gay guys a few tricks.

3. The SUPER DL NINJA – This is the guy who is TERRIFIED of people having the slightest clue he is gay. He will surf gay chatlines and send people to a dozen different websites until he finally reveals himself. The kind of guy that meets you on the docks at night…you sleep with him… and if you see him in public again he will DENY your existence.

4. THE DL COUPLE – Now this is the most prevalent type of gay guys on campus. Two guys that always hang out together, they maybe work out buddies, members of the same fraternity, same sports team or school organization….Chances are if you see one the other is close behind and if you see one alone…….he’s on his way to the other. THEY ARE A COUPLE. No straight guy will spent 90% of his day with another guy unless they are in Iraq and that’s a whole nother story child.

5. MR DON’T ASK DON’T TELL – IF YOU AINT ASKING HE AINT TELLIN…SHIT EVEN IF YOU ASK HE AINT TELLIN. This is the guy in class you always suspected but never had any concrete proof to nail him. Unfortunately for you that you cant nail him….but every other dude on campus is…….OKAAAAAAAY!!!

6. THE AVERAGE GAY GUY – He is professional, a great friend, a honor student, your RA, that guy that’s in the ROTC. He is awesome everyone on campus knows him all the girls have a crush on him…..you invite him out one night and he comes with a dude he introduces as his BOYFRIEND………..yes your honor student is in a relationship with a man and as popular as he is he managed to keep his personal life out of the spotlight. This is what most gay people should aspire to be like.

7. THE PRETTY BOI – This is the guy that looks better than 50% of the girls on campus. He wears designer clothes, has a body to die for..usually light skinned or Hispanic, hair you wish you had has the accessories of a typical pretty boi (contacts, earrings, photoshopped). You can find them prancing around your local mall or around town. Thye are usually conceited and not very nice.

8. THE TRENDSETTER – They are the social mecca of fashion and social rituals. They start the latest trends, know the latest songs and the matching dances, knows your business before you do, and pretty much puts you out there. Only down side is that they are either fat, darker than sin and 9/10 BUTT UGLY.

9. THE HALF AND HALF – Have you ever seen a guy with tight jeans, a purse and couldn’t be more feminine and you wonder…. Why doesn’t he be a transsexual and get over with it. He wears girl jeans, a tank top, makeup and a purse big enough to fit a piano. They are usually bitter because nobody wants to bee seen with them…unless they are HALF AND HALF TOO.

10. THE OBNOXIOUS QUEEN - He greets you with a HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GIIIIIRRRL!!! He refers to people as MISS THANG, he is the loudest motherfucker you have ever met, flirts with anything that breathes and is a club addict. Ladies and Gentlemen…this is THE POSTERCHILD FOR GAY. You can spot him on the map, his sexuality is as big as Texas and he doesn’t care who knows. Infact he wants you to know so he can have you next… RUN CHILD RUN…..

Which are/were you and is it true?

30, 60, 90

2008-06-10T12:59:00.002-05:00

This past weekend I went to NYC-- I was only there for a lil over 24 hours- but man, I had a fucking ball... Laughed till my stomach hurt, I'm talking bellys laughs and I just felt loved almost like a feeling of belonging... and that's something that I haven't felt in a long time.

Well to make a story short in 30 seconds the idea entered my mind, in 60 seconds it impregnanted my thoughts and within 90 days I plan on relocated to NYC.

It just seems like a good time and I would be close to two of my best freinds.. closer to my family and one of my oldest friends and would have to face the fact that I will be living in NYC and not as I originally intended to- the days of wishing and dreaming that I would be a BIG actor may be gone.... and with this realization becomes my manhood the endless courage it takes to admit that life ain't always what you want it to be and sometimes your not as good as you thought-- but i be damn if i'm not alive and got skills to get a decent job which allows me to still partake in something that i have always loved.... perhaps i might not make it on the stage but it wont stop me from visiting from time to time and living it up as the man i am today----broken and unfullfilled dreams and all...

Promise to Self

2008-06-05T23:00:00.001-05:00

I will not live my life alone.
I will open my heart to those who deserve for it to be open.
I will not fear love... or rejection or acceptance... i will love myself and allow others to love me.
I will not live my life alone.

Hate That I Love You

2008-06-05T18:12:00.001-05:00

I likes this song also.....

Loving this Song

2008-06-03T18:57:00.001-05:00

Is anyone else loving this right here?

Niggahs ain't sorry --just sorry cause they got caught....

DC Pride (?)

2008-05-27T22:01:00.006-05:00

This past weekend was Pride here in DC- the city was run rampant with any and all kinds of homosexuals and although i have never felt truly part of this great event this year presented alot of growth for me.

For the first time it didn't bother me that every (and I do mean every) type of gay was there.

For the first time if some weren't there they would have been missed because maybe I'm just so immune or really just believe in letting everyone have a good time as long as they ain't fucking wit me.

At times I wished that others had somewhat of my attitude towards some of our brothas & sisters. I say this because the weekend in large was filled with people talking about other people wither it was such and such looks a hot mess or damn boys body is banging.. or they damn are they sick?... but the one thing that worked my nerves at the end of the weekend was the endless "sissy calling".... the murmurs of "the club is full of sissies" or "they are so many sissies out here" and I'm looking for a real man..

Personally, i think to get a "real man" you got to be one but hey, everyone's ideal of masculinity is different....and I mean, this weekend i saw a few lesbians who were more masculine than some of the brothas talking bout the wanted a real man and the "sissies" better not talk to them.... i guess the weekend in a few words might be called the celebration of the pot calling the kettle black--

in the end Shakespeare said it best "if we could see oursleves through others eyes oh, what a wonderful world it would be"......

EXCELLENT BOOK!!!

2008-05-18T22:57:00.003-05:00

Hey, haven't blogged in awhile because been catching up on some reading... but hey if your looking for a good book to read check out.... It is AWESOME!!! Haven't read a book this good in a long time.

Transparency

2008-04-25T10:50:00.001-05:00

it's was only after i learned to love myself could i love another man, woman, or child
filled with anger i lashed out at the world never seeing the sun
only the doom my life had become
until i meet & recieved god
now i only see light

What if....

2008-03-27T01:21:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I went to church and heard this song.

What if this is what god really is

More ....
wonderful than my mind can conceive
more wonderful than my heart can believe
He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams
He's everything that my soul ever longed for

more than wonderful??

What if all this time i've been standing in my own way regarding my relationship with god...

maybe, just maybe i've been wrong...

misc truths.....

2008-03-19T23:22:00.004-05:00

The truth is...

as mush as i want to be with someone right now-- i need to be the man i want to be with
i finally sleep well at night
i miss my best friend-- she went to live with god 5 years ago two weeks ago
i love my fam
i love my freinds
i'm sad
i feel like i'm getting depressed
might be time to go back to the pysch
my job keeps me busy
i'm smart n yet dumb
i'm afraid
i need to go to church
i know some sorta connection- although i just feel like distancing myself from everything
there sthings about myself that i don't like
i'm hard on myself-- sometimes too much
i'm getting older and now i understand so much more n yet not enough
i really didn't like Cat on a hot tin roof
i want to be in love
i want to be a father
i've choosen to forgive my father
i loves my moms
and i've forgiven her for not loving me about when i was little
sometimes i still feel little although i weigh 216 pounds
my pouch makes me sick, yet i still think it's sexy
thick is in & i loves to eat
i used a condom last night
i love me
i feel pity for Left because i understand where he is at & i just feel sad that he cant love himself
my anger has turned to sadness
i'm proud of myself
i'm sleepy
its been so long since i've kissed his lips n i yearn for the taste of his saliva
i need to work on my self esteem
i often downplay or think that attractive men won't find me atttractive or i have nothing to offer
i sometimes think i'm boring
i'm a success n yet a failure
i try too hard
i need to relax
i think too much
i'm loved
i have so much growing to do
i miss who i used to be
but looking forward to the man i've become
i love him
i used to not love myself
my limbs are awkward
my hands n feet are out of sync with my body
my limbs keep me on top of the ground
my feet need to spawn out n relax--get wet in the water
i'm afraid to get hurt yet i know its inevitable
i cried the last time i held Left---
i can no longer love Left because he doesn't love himself
i love me more than any man i've ever met
i just lied
i still believe n romance n monogomy n love at 1st sight
i want to look into my mates eyes n see honesty--
my leg still hurts from when i got shot
my left foot barely touches the ground
my hips are awkward
my core is pretzeled
i'm untangling myself from the ropes which were my torment
the cords which were supposed to whisk my life away
yet i still breath
i'm happy that i'm still alive
i have hope
i believe in something better
in someone better-- maybe it's god but i refer to it as the universe
i have many angels watching over me
i'm bored
i urn for adventure
i love too hard
i dont trust easily
i have difficulty trusting myself & others
i've been hurt
i'm not good at what i would love to do
it's difficult for me to be truthful & truth is what i strive for

Tomorrow

2008-03-19T19:14:00.001-05:00

Left-- I'm leaving....

Why Does It Hurt So Bad

2008-03-19T18:48:00.001-05:00

Growth

2008-03-17T18:18:00.002-05:00

It's funny when in life something happens and you feel your heart breaking but right there in that moment you feel the truth-- you respect the truth and & just accept & move on....

This weekend, I spent some time with LeftmygirlinNewyork-- not sure if i revealed this before but somehow i ended up loving Left-- don't know, how when or where-- but i remember the first time i met him... at any rate, this weekend he told me that he's getting married--- and my heart sunk-- but i was like ok, dude always told me he had a girl... and as tears came to my eyes-- i realived that the inevitable had finally occured.. so this weekend i told him i loved him and although he couldn't tell me back because "it would make it real"- i said good bye and without malice, or hate, or disgust... just goodbye....n i'm ready for love--- for someone to love me and me love them back-- no more Mr. Unavailables-- the last song we hugged to was alicia keys and when it played i was like whoa the universe be on the money---- i hope Left is happy...... because i'm destined to be

8 Messages & Why Friendship is Important

2008-03-06T23:07:00.002-06:00

Today, I spent most of the day in training and than had a LATE night meeting. After my meeting I went out to dinner with some folks from my MAIN Corporate Office.

Everything went WELL!

I got home and checked my messages and I had EIGHT (8) messages on my voicemail. Thought some were work related but ALL ended up being from friends... TWO from my homie in New JErsey who I'm going to go see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with, FOUR from my best friend in Chicago and one from an old friend in Chicago- the other ONE was from someone who may becoming a new FRIEND.

At any rate, my best friend called- I called him back first and today and got fired from his job because they found out that he doesn't have a US Citizenship. He was hurt, scared and concerned. Thank goodness he got married a few months ago and his wife knows everything (thank goodness he's not gay) At any rate, as I talked to my friend the pain in his voice went str8 to my gut- I hate when people i love are hurting and I could tell that he was in pain-- all i could do was listen and offer my love support and of course a bedroom here at my place- he accepted everything but the bedroom and i know he's a strong man so he will be fine... I will say a prayer for him and his wife tonight and keep him in my thoughts.

The other calls I really didn't get a chance to return but tomorrow I will return more calls... FRIENDSHIP is so important not only in one's time of need, but ALL the time.... Don't forget your friends... show them love not just today but everyday...

Love u RZ.... if u need me I'm here....

2 Tickets

2008-03-03T18:25:00.001-06:00

Hey today, I went to work... cleaned out the cat's litter box and bought two tickets to check out Gem of the Ocean at the Kennedy Center--- So, tomorrow I will be going to check out one my favorite AW plays---- A brotha is going to shape it up and enjoy a night on the town---- all dressed up and some where to go....

Untitled

2008-03-01T20:15:00.002-06:00

I'm sitten here listening to Tevin Campbell sing "Tell me What you want me to do"--- Tevin used to be the shyt!!!

At any rate, my dad called me this morning- I guess we are slowly developing some sorta relationship-- it's kinda weird because for so long when i was younger i wanted a relationship with him and now he's attempting to communitcate and I don't know how to react- on my hand it's a good thing-- but on the other i don't know what i want from him-- if i want anything at all... for the meantime i've decided to just let it be what it is and to just chill...

A Damn Shame---

2008-02-28T19:35:00.002-06:00

These two dudes right here-- make me ashamed to be from New Jersey---

Twin Bank robbers & Porn Stars--- like whoa!!!

Identical Twin Gay Porn Actors Allegedly Double as Burglars
by Kilian Melloy
EDGE Contributor
Wednesday Feb 27, 2008

Identical twins Keyontyli and Teleon Goffney
A pair of twin cat burglars have been arrested in connection with a rooftop break-in of a South Philadelphia business. Their side-line: starring in gay porn videos.

Identical twins Keyontyli and Taleon Goffney, 25, were placed under arrest Feb. 19, Philly.com reported in a Feb. 25 story.

The twins were charged in connection with a rooftop robbery committed against Moon’s Beauty Shop, as well as neighboring business Wings and More.

Reportedly, the twins are alleged to have used an axe and a saw to cut through the roof and gain entrance into the businesses.

Similar break-ins were reported at other area businesses, including a Rite Aid.

A Feb. 8 break-in at a Wawas in Nether Providence that was allegedly committed by Teleon Goffney resulted in the theft of cash, condoms, and cigarettes, according to police.

The twins hail from New Jersey, where a number of similar break-ins took place over a period of a year and a half, Philly.com reported.

In all, about 40 such burglaries reportedly were committed. The twins are suspects in a multi-state investigation.

But their alleged work as thieves is not the twins’ only talent. They also star, sometimes together, in gay porn, reportedly under the screen names Keyon and Teyon.

One title in the Goffney brothers star together is Marc and the Twins, an online-only video, reported Philly.com.

In the movie, the twins audition for an African-American adult film star in the setting of a cheap hotel.

The Goffneys are joined in Marc and the Twins by adult film star Marc Williams.

Philly.com quoted Erik Schut, of TLA Entertainment, a Philadelphia company that tops national sales in adult films. Said Schut of the Goffneys, "Two incredibly beautiful black men and twins--it’s unprecedented."

Schut said that "Ethnic, gay models are rare," and offered the opinion that, as gay porn stars, the brothers "could have been huge."

Keyontyli has had work as a professional model before, in the more mainstream sense of the word. Philly.com said that Keyontyli had gradated from the Barbizon School of Modeling before landing jobs as a runway fashion model.

Keyontyli is also featured in the magazine CLIK this month. The publication, aimed at a black GLBT readership, includes a seven-page item in which Keyontyli serves as the model.

Keyontyli also has notched up a few walk-on parts in TV shows, such as Save the Music on VH1 and NBC’s Saturday Night Live.

Twin brother Taleon, reportedly called "a bad, bad dude" by an unnamed source with the police, was previously placed under arrest in New Jersey in 2006.

Philly.com reported that police spotted Taleon engaged in acrobatic displays at an apartment complex. After that, Taleon reportedly began dealing drugs, and officers arrested him for possession of crack and a firearm.

However, Taleon gave officers the slip by smashing out a window with a head-butt and then exiting their vehicle, still shackled with handcuffs, He then dove into a pond, said Clementon, N.J. Chief of Police Dave Kunkel

Said Kunkel, "He swam across like Flipper, taunting the officers saying, ’You’ll never catch me.’"

Taleon escaped police pursuit, but turned himself in after a week.

Kunkel said that at that time, Taleon was also in trouble elsewhere in the state, as well as in Delaware, Philly.com reported.

Taleon, Philly.com reported, remains in jail on a bond of $150,000; online records also suggested that Keontyli might have been released upon posting a bail of $75,000.

Both twins are expected to appear in court tomorrow.

Happy B-Day To Me!

2008-02-11T13:33:00.000-06:00

Today is my big day--- it's official.... today i was borne....Happy Birthday to meeeee.... Happy Birthday to meeee...... Happy Birthday!!!!

Loneliness....

2008-02-07T20:10:00.000-06:00

is getting the best of me right now....
all i do is work....
i need a homie.lover.friend.

3rd day of the Year

2008-01-03T22:04:00.000-06:00

Today. I. was. hit. with. the very. thing. i've been battling with.

FEAR!

Today. I received a promotion at work.... and I was stunned.. because it meant for once I had done something right.... and it also meant that I would now need to transition and move and work with a new team in a new location and move outside of my box and into the unknown... it was scary... it is now less scary because i now realize that i was in fact afraid and once u know ur afraid u can build up the confidence to face it... effective immediately it is faced.....

Family & thankfullness

2007-12-31T18:21:00.000-06:00

This past weekend I had the opportunity of spending time with my family and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was exactly where I belonged just for a
short amount of time.

For most of my life, I've been running... running away adn towards something or perhaps both at the same time and at the same pace. At any rate, while I was at home I had time to drive around to witness how things had changed and had not changed and as I waited for tears to come.. no tears came... as i waited for some type of STRONG reaction there was none... there was only acceptance.... acceptance that I can't go in the past and change anything--- there is no reason to feel sorry for myself---- I grew up as I was supposed to-- black and poor.. and battling the discovery that I was also not heterosexual.... I was overwhelmed by these challenges and still I survived-- it is through this that today I am capable and adaptable to transition from old age negro to african american business man..... it is through this struggle that I have learned that I am love... that I have always been love .. that someone has always loved me even if I didn't know it.... and that I have love to give others........today marks the end of such much... & the beginning of beautiful, wonderfull things because I'm learning & continue to learn to get out of my own way.......

I invite all goodness into my life... and into the life of others......

peace..... is what i wish and dream of the most for all of us..... let the beginning of the next decade be peacefull...... let us study ignorance and shame no more----- let us see the beauty in one another and the miracoulous gift that is today....

Nina Simone Feeling

2007-12-28T16:54:00.001-06:00

One bad chick.... Feelings....

The Great Debaters Trailer

2007-12-26T12:06:00.001-06:00

EXCELLENT Movie!!!

The Great Debaters

2007-12-26T11:52:00.000-06:00

If you haven't seen it, GO SEE IT!!!

AWESOME Movie!

I went by myself.. enjoyed it... laughed, cried, smiled, and was filled with hope.

Go check it out---- this is a quality African American movie that we need to support and not just because Oprah produced it.... which I think was very brave of her... but because it's about our history....

Dreams, Illusions, & Metamorphosis

2007-12-25T12:11:00.000-06:00

I just awoke from a dream of angels, and demons, and hustlers, and old family members and the rembrance of my father- In this dream, I revealed after a few days with my father's "family" my attraction for men and I explained why I choose not to have a relationship with them- because it's more important for me to love and honor me than to hide to accomondate people who don't care about my well being. In the dream, the last thing I remember is my father running down the street naked hollering and screaming about how could I sleep with men.... As I yelled back I'm thirty (30) years old, I can sleep with whomever I choose. My father went in a rage, ran down the street like a bull, with an erect penis and sometype of stone hanging from his phallus as if my "shame" were weighing down his own manhood..... As he continued running and galloping around, moaning about my indiscretion... I realized that I love me even the broken bones of who I am.. the muscle, the fat, the little moles across my back... and I'm not willing to give that up for anyone..... right before i awoke.. i was getting in my car, mind you a car I'd never seen before and a man tried to prevent me from entering.... i don't know where this man came from or if he was a demon, illusion, or metamorphis.... i asked him to please move out of my path.... i than simply moved his hand, entered the car and sat. As I looked at him, sitting safely within---- I begin to wonder perhaps I'd just moving my own demon out the way--

Alexyss K. Tylor Knowledge

2007-12-24T15:19:00.001-06:00

End of a Year/ Beginning of a Decade

2007-12-23T12:44:00.000-06:00

As the end of the year approaches and another one dawns, I realize how fortunate I am- As I end my twenties (20's) and welcome my thirties (30's) I know that only better days will come.

I've spent most of my life terrified of life itself- unable to cope- unable to truly feel... and my twenties educated and informed me of who I had become-- even in it's unstableness. I now not only realize that I'm worthy of good things, but acknowledge the fact that it's only after and between the bad that has chartered my consciousness.

I'm ready for forgiveness, for love, for all the best to enter my life. In 2008, I vow to be happy, healthier, and more successful than ever before.

I now happily welcome the end of one year and the beginning of another.

All the best!

LUTHER VANDROSS (HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS)

2007-12-03T22:43:00.001-06:00

Getting in the holiday spirit.

This Christmas - Donny Hathaway

2007-12-03T22:42:00.001-06:00

Chris Brown - Show A Little Tenderness

2007-12-03T22:22:00.001-06:00

Man, he killed it.... I'm feeling a little too romantic for this time of year... but hey....

How I Want to feel...

2007-11-12T00:06:00.001-06:00

No One

2007-11-10T18:20:00.001-06:00

Transformation

2007-10-29T14:51:00.000-05:00

The old saying goes "if you do what you've always done than you'll get what you've always got"

It's time for a change... and a change is sure to come....

Today, I unhooked the shackles from underneath my feet-- I deleted a few things that should have been gone a while ago-- it's now time to make a change/ a difference. to do something/ anything different.... it's time to go back/ to end the self hate/ to prevent the rape/ and start a new- it's time to go back to shed the tears/ to bring the corpse home anew/ to find the broken heart/ to bring it within and hear harps/ it's time to see st. peter and paul and jesus too.... it's time to start anew....

God help me....

2007-10-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

God help me to forgive.. i realize i'm stuck and if i don't start the process of forgiving i won't be able to move on... help me forgive all those who have hurt me and help me to forgive myself for my moments of indescretion and for my weakness and for just not knowing and loving me.... help me to understand what forgiveness is... true forgiveness help me have mercy and love and understanding for my parents and the women and men who have hurt me and let me be gentle with myself not beating myself up for the things i can not change.. help me to know that i'm not in control nor do i have to be.. help me to forgive those i feel abadoned me or didn't help my mother out when that man was whipping her ass... help me to forgive those that put my knees in the dirt and the man who tried to sodomize me the one who made me choke on his thing and the one who made me stand in chairs all night and who tried to ruin my life.. help me forgive the lil boy who was afraid of the green car and who rain just to taste rocks and dirt and tomatos andground beef and my mother for not protecting me.. help me to forgive even when i don't want to.. when i want to hate and when i want them to suffer for what they did to me... help me to see all the goood inside of me... help me to see the good in other people.. help me to allow other people to be who they are and the freedom for them to live with victimization from myself or others... help the world be a better place where lil black boys don't live in fear of death or drugs or incest or not being loved or looking for love in all the wrong places and still not finding love and running away from hiv..... thank u for letting me not becoming infected and for realizing that my negative status is not a badge of honor because nobody deserves hiv and noone asks for it-- forgive those who've tried to infect me... forgive those who've intentlifull deceived me and broken my heart... who've lied to me... and to those who tried to break me... help me to forgive them... to truly forgive them and to understand the lesson which i was supposed to learn.. help me as i face my past and began picking up all the pieces of myself that i left behind... help me find my joy..... my smile... my hope.. help me live with my pain and my fear and to not inflect it on others... help me see the good in others and in myself.. help me deal with my insecurities and help me to sleep at night without the nightmares... i now understand i can't run from the past -- i must face it.. embrace it... because it has made me who i am... but i don't have to be the past.. i can still be a GREAT man.... i can be a better man than my father ever was.... and i can be a lover, a protector, and a warrior.. because i've survived through some much already and i know that even when i thought i was alone someone was there with me... even when i felt i was alll allone.. someone was there with me... through the tears and the blood and this low self esteeem let me know that someone is here with me.... help me to love myself and trust myself and value myself and know that i deserve more than quick sex or quick flirtations with passerby... help me to learn to let someone good love me... to know that i'm worth it.. and to comfort the voices that tell me i'm not... that tell me that i can't compete and that make excuses for why people won't love me... help me to be healthy... to be strong... to be wise.. to be sincere and to take others feelings in consideration... help me to stop being so arrogant and ignorant...... help me to understand and to believe... help me to be me....

Embarking on forgiveness Part 1 of ??

2007-10-21T15:10:00.000-05:00

I've spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me & feeling pitiful because I wasn't someone or something else.

In the end all I wanted was for my parents to love me & they didn't & then & there lies the problem. - because how on earth could or would anyone else love me when the two people who should have didn't/wouldn't or /couldn't-

and here in lies the misery which has become my life-- but this misery rest here no more because today i realize that i am strong & courageous & (as unmasculine as it may sound) Beautiful... realistically human stretching for the gods to help me- to aid me in this life which by giving up control i have gain another kinda of control and i can get to sleep with out much fuss most nights-- although i would like to lay next to someone i refuse to be a "cum dumpster" or a "sperm donor" in another's fantasy of words and illusion-- my life has no time for that kind of madness--- from here i can only go UP! Because my life has been well "interesting" to say the least--- I've learned alot... been challenged and suceeded and failed but i'm still here... i'm still alive & just in that lies beauty that I've never known-- the assurance that i can just breathe in peace-- noone to smother my oxygen or to disgrace my heart wit words or wounds.... today i realize that i have become a MAN right in the front of my own eyes-- that i've grown and i have regrets and i have triumphs which i will share one day in the safety of someone's arms who loves me.... and know i know that i also love me-- because i have the courage to speak the truth.. the truth is my life is not as i ever seemed... it is unfolding in front of me... sometimes i miss u aaj, and sometimes i wonder could we ever be friends today- but i dont know... and i give it up to the universe but i do want to say that i'm sorry and i understand that u could never love me even if u wanted to... because we come from two different part of the tracks although, those tracks shared many of the same dreams & secrets as children in WEA.

That's back when i gave my heart to you without knowing it-- and also the first of many rejections that would come with me opening myself up and giving freely-- now i realize this/u/ have made me stronger-- sharing my love with u- helped me grow more and more stronger every day--- no we may never have a relationship or even talk or see each other again, but this is today-- it's time for me to let go.....

Luther VanDross - A House is not a Home (Live)

2007-10-18T22:40:00.001-05:00

Am I worthy/ facing my own fears

2007-09-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

Today, as I was working out.. I realized something-- the something that I realized was all the negativity that was boggling in my head.. the tiny voices that whispered "you'll never look like that" or such and such dude would never find you attractive so don't even look over there- as the voices begin to merge i begin to feel tears come to my eyes and than a burning in my chest and right than and there i decided no more... No more excuses of why somebody won't or can't or shouldn't love me- and no more excuses why i should protect myself and only deal with guys that in my mind can approach me/ although deep inside i always feel like their not going to be able to handle me- also deep down inside i don't feel attractive although i normally get alot of attention per say- deep down in side i feel ugly/ unworthy/ and unimportant- however, all this is a lie- i'm not ugly- i am worthy, and yes not everything is for everybody, but i am for somebody- and shyt dudes would be crazy not to be with a brotha like me--- well without all the insecurities and the constant pealing of sores around every part of me that is worthy and naturally good.... i guess i can begin to deal with my own guilt and start forgiving others and myself ---- because now i realize that i've been standing in my own way-- and the only way for me to be truly happy is to surrender and move on- i cant change the past--- i have some control but not much on the future-- and here in the present the best i can do is breathe and let go--- to let things be what and how their supposed to be--- so far in my life things have been good- yes i've fell a few times and had a few heartbreaks, lost friends, angered family members and disrespected and disgraced myself but even in my loneliness moments i find a glitter of hope that keeps me going and that allows me to survive under any and all conditions... i am a survivor a warrior or has showed and hidden too many scars and denied himself the chance to feel the sun against his face and the beaming of his smile to grace the hearts of others without being drowned by fear-- today all this stops--- because when you know better you can do better--- today i desire the wisdom to do better- to be complete and to become a better man-- a better person-- not only for me, but for all the little me's that make me. --- for all the emotional brothas who felt the belts against their skin and heard the cries of their mothers but had no strength to intervene- for all the broken hearted dirty little boys who grow up in the projects and has a candy lady for a mother, who cant imagine and dare to dream, only to one day see their dream become a nightmare before their eyes because the love they've been craving has been right inside of them unleashed all their lives and all they need was the poem to set them free/ to allow them to breath/ the allow them to be/ black.dirty.poor.male.sweet.kind.proud.ashamed.unpowered.empowered.sensitive.loving.scared.unapologetic.rebel.homo.erotic.spin
of the life and times of a poor black ghetto boy who escaped and dared to dream past the ugly reality of america.

The truth is...

2007-09-23T12:42:00.000-05:00

The truth is....

I really want to be in a relationship.. to have one brotha to come home to.. to lay up next to.. to feel .. to hold.. to love.. to cherish.. to be mine... so i shouldn't be having sex with anyone who is not this brotha.... i've never felt more sick and tired than i do right now... i want and need to be understood and god if u can hear me, help me be the man i'm supposed to be... help me to be strong and not to hurt people... help me have compassion and empathy for those who have none for me... help me forgive my mother and father and everyone else that has hurt me.... i now realize that i'm hurt and i've been hiding it.... and i need strength to do what i once thought was imposibile "impossible"---- i want and need to begin to forgive those who have hurt me-- and i'm ready to move on..... i'm ready to love again.... lord please help me...

Why?

2007-09-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

i hate myself for everything i am and everything i am not
why don't i feel good enough
why do i tell myself over and over that know one is going to love me and than end up aliented and angry with myself
why do these negative thoughts conitously run through my head
why cant the voices find comfort in my accomplishments
why cant i sleep thru the night
why, why, why, lord why
why can't i surrender even when i try
when am i so full of anger n fear
why do i do so well and yet and still cant find love
why am i suffering from depression
why, why, why... i keep asking myself why
why didn't my mother protect, my did my father leave me
why does everyone who loves me leave
why is it that i feel aliented and different and above but below people
why do i suffer from guilt
why am i so emotional
why do i sometimes wish i was dead
why do i continue living
why do the thoughts ramble through my head
why do i jerk off to go to sleep
why do i need a hug n kiss n the words i love u to feel, i don't know human
why does everyone else seem so happy but i feel so down and depressed
why is this contiunually coming...
why cant i rest
why cant i relax
why did i stop believing in god
did god abadon me
does god care for me
is god angry with me
is god dead
can god hear this prayer
can god answer my question
help me to surrender
i neeed to surrender
i'm willing to surrender- why cant i surrender
why am i a control freak
why do i love so hard
why do i try to control people
why dont i understand that i cant make someone love me
why do i fall for the wrong guys
why are so many guys infected with hiv
why cant i just be straight
why do i have to live in fear that i will fall in love with someone hiv+
why do i FEAR loving at all
why, why, why

2007-09-11T20:53:00.001-05:00

A Moment of clarity

2007-09-11T20:42:00.000-05:00

There is so much in my life that I'm ashamed of/so many memories invade my body and leave me unable to sleep/my ankles remember things that a lil black boy should have never seen or experienced/numerous nights of allowing my nude body to fall into the falls of someone who not only murdered my hope/ but my pride/ becuz they couldn't see the fear behind my eyes/ i only wanted to be held and to hold you instead we ended entrapped in a fantast of dreams and lies/ never to see each other again for some years/ and occasionally i'll think of u, & remember the good times/ remember the nights i slept next to u n the shadows while darkness laid between us/ me whispering softly that u were mine/ but u were off asleep in the middle of the night with some other girl or guy/ & i was left alone to fend for some in the darkness- thats the onnly place i allow myself to cry/
now when men come to sleep in my bed/ i ask them to go home in the middle of the night or they often take their cue and leave me alone/ after they've drained my manhood and left me weak/ after my toes have curled and i've made manly sounds and released my loins/ i lay nude thinking of u/ trying desperately to quiet the voices that tell me that noone will love me/ and that he can't possible love me/ and i ask my self what is wrong wit u. and i beat myself for being everything i am and than pick up my limbs, wash them off, and devour them all over again. i nibble at the tissue of my arms & legs & thighs & suck my own dick n play wit my own butt hole/ cause u'll never tough me again/ n my knees with never feel that sand again/ becuz i will know longer be used/ or ur victim whore to do ur will and than leave. that black boy- naive as he was- still cries in that field and the man i am today picks him up and hugs him close/ holds him close- sometimes too close/. almost soffacting him, but allowing him to breathe... after today he will go back out. after learning one of the hardest lessons one must learn in a field of one of americas most loved sports.

Over a glass of scotch

2007-09-10T20:34:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I find myself like many other nights that I've spent... alone... drinking a glass of scotch- sitting back feeling a lil self pity, but at the same time realizing how blessed i am and how much i still have yet to learn--- this past weekend i got some culture in my life-- and i also realized just how lonely i truly am--- how alone i feel and asking my self why i don't have anyone in my life-- and the voices began to whisper thoughts into my head and than i caught myself saying i deserve love no matter what.. no matter of the nightmares and my knees in the sand, the bruises and the underwear that i peaked underneath the door only to have them reveal that the big I had infected my reality and my pyschology and that i've felt used, and abused and not worthy of love.. and thats really one of the reason that i din't believe in god-- because i felt like god abadoned me-- but now i realize that something has and will always be there for me- in the moments when my soul acts for the most comfort, wither it be sitting in a dark room allowing my fingers to write out or at least attempt to release this pain....

Dick AND Ass.........

2007-07-25T02:14:00.000-05:00

Dick and Ass ain't worth my life....

I've spent the last six weeks ladi up or across from lying ass negro... yep, i asked and he lied time and time again.. and he said it's because i didn't create a safe space for him to tell the truth/ but i say shyt if u don't want me than don' t talk to me/ don't Fantasia sing that hell outta that song/ n niggahs act like that ain't never heard the words/ well shyt right know i don't want to see you know more cause u can't/won't/ don't want to be honest/ i had to go through ur shyt to find out that ur hiv + and we done had sex... ain't that some shyt/ the dumb fool side of me would have slept with u wit no rubber- but the smarter side of me knew better/ pity the fool that fucks with u the next time and doesn't check the closet and the medicine cabinet and underneath the bathroom sink/ because his ass could be what u were/are to the idoit that didn't tell u/ sorry babe. but i got to protect myself. and sense u were being selfish/ not telling the truth/ and being detached and unavailable/ i have nothing left to say but dick and ass is good but my health and sanity is bettter.....

2007-07-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

Today, I feel such a sense of pity for my self or perhaps its agony as if life gets no better and in some ways i hope could get no worse- this aching sense that i'm becoming depressed seems to be a reality- the fact that i hat to be alone but am still lonely even when i'm around others is creeping from my brains membrane to the ends of my hair follicles and the silent tears of yesterday began to warp my heart as i reminscence about the dreams and visions of yesterday, all of which have know disappeareed into vapor and shadows which wake me at night- my body is numb, my mind swirls as the thoughts run through my mind like a twister rolls through the sea and destroys the homes before it- my creativity is drowing as i constantly gasp for air & feel my lungs cave from underneath my rib cage but than i remind that i've really never breathed-- i've always held my breath from being heard as i hid beneath the surface of a dusty black boy- ignorant, poor, & dirty-- only holding on to the dream that someone/ somewhere would love me and take away all the hurt that i once and continue to feel-- but that time and space and person has never come and at one point i thought it was you but than you did like all the rest and disappointed me but even worse because i told you what i wanted- what i desired- what i wished n felt-- and all i needed for u to do was to hold me so i could once again breat-- breath like i did as a very young infant before all the fist & blood rumagged through my mind- before the tabloids runied the little bit of sanity and innoncent from my limb body- as you raped my mouth with ur cock i wished that it would stopped but warranted for it to happen again-- what a sick creature i was- not knowing how to stop the crusading waves from torturing my inner most treasure--- not being able to breath- i just want to fucking breath- so get out-- go!! leave liek everyone else so i can finally be alone and be ok, because i don't need love if this is what love is.. i don't need anything.... not even air... because after all it's been so long since air has tickled my lips and went down my throat-- because i'm afraid to breath u into me.... so afraid to be hurt again... but dammmit i have to breathe.... i have to learn to breathe.. even with all the craziness in the world.... there has to be some place where a brotha can just breathe...

Notes to my Heart

2007-06-13T17:22:00.000-05:00

It's time to let it go...to learn how to forgive- to forgive everyone for everything that's happened... if we look hard enough we will find what we've always been looking for and if we ask the universe we shall recieve the peace that awaits... as he slept and i looked into his eyes i felt something for him, something unbelievable and true--- i closed my eyes and looked again.. i love the way he smells- his awardness...... i just like this dude and that's ok.. even if he he doesn't like me back the way I want him to.. it's ok..... I'm ok.. we're ok... we've come a long way to turn back and we've done well for us.. for a little dirty, poor, black boy from the projects of W.E. we've done damn good... so let the tears fall.. let the rain beat against ur cheeks because everything will be ok.....

"god" will be ok... mom will be ok.. my trifflin ass daddy will be ok... my fam will be ok., my friends dead and alive will be ok.... grandma will be ok.... right know...lets just take a few minutes to breath-- relax the anxiety and bitterness.. the rage .... and sadness and move the fuck on.... theres so much life out there.....

Shyt...OR get off the pot....

2007-06-13T16:59:00.000-05:00

For the past two days I've found myself in a somber mood--- might have been because desipte my hopes Audra didn't win the Tony on Sunday or the fact that I've met someone who I like more than they like me and don't really know if I comfortable with that--- might also be because work is rough right now and I need to learn a shit load of stuff...

I'm also getting depressed about the DC "Gay" atmosphere-- it's literally depressing, enough to make one slit his wrist and thrown himself into the Potomac... but I shall not...

There are also quite a few "love/lust" interest and at this point I think I'm ready for a serious relationship.. at least a one on one connection so some of these guys are going to have to shit (not literaally) or get off the pot....

LeftmygirlnHYC is in town and I've got to tell him what I want and I know he's not ready for that... but my heart is......

soo.. we'll see how that goes.. hope everyone is well....

I'm out

New Beginnings

2007-05-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

Today, I started my new job! *thumbs up* - the day was to say the least very challenging- got up a tad too late, ended up in the wrong place, but not at any fault of my own- my e-mail account and things were not set-up, I was unable to get into the system and I learned that I would only be not working 3 holidays out of the year- no big deal RIGHT? RIGHT!!!

So, other than that, I now how to look for an apartment and learn a ton of shyt so I can be successful at my job!

My personal life is a mess... I'm looking for intimacy but finding nothing but sex.. and boy does dc have alot of sex...and I'm just glad I'm turning down most of the sex... cant say I'm turning it all down-- cause I couldn't say no to this one cat.... but for the most part REALLY REALLY behaving... not trying to get played out in DC or for that matter simply PLAYED!

Had some other stuff I wanted tpo blog, but forgot what it was-- a brotha going to bed.. be safe peeps

African Americans & The Tonys

2007-05-15T16:20:00.000-05:00

Today, the tony awards got announced.. and the AA's showed out... my girl Audra fucking McDonald got another nomination- this chick can't step on a stage without being nominated-- go on girl. She already had four wins, could this year make 5- Well I have to go spend that $100.00 to get me a ticket to 110 in the shade because I've been in love with her since the first time I heard her sing.....

The other black folks acted out also Anthony Chisolm, John Earl Jelks in that August Wilson style.... man ole man look how far we've come----

Lost & Confused

2007-05-14T17:19:00.000-05:00

I have so much to say all of a sudden- the words ramble in my mind like bees in a nest occupied by the duty set before them to please their queen... the words roll through my veins, through the bile that is my gall bladder, my bladder, my kidneys, my colon, and it trickles down through my rectum and on the floor because now i'm forced to look at the shyt that i believe and honestly it doesn't look nor smell too good.....

i don't know what i believe anymore--- i know that i'm finding that i'm lonely, even when i'm with people i find it hard to connect and than qhwn i do connect it is with a grip that is so tight it threatens to suffocate any possibility of growth- i guess the truth is i am that insecure- i am that vulnerable- i am that human.......i urn for things not known- things that i can understand and everything that is written and seen has reason and follows a concept- that everything truly does happen for a reason- that everything will make sense in the end.

what my eyes see today makes no sense- has no rythm nor reason- pity, senseless acts made by egomaniacs who for whatever reason have convinced themselves that it's all about them-- today as i laid down to take a nap.. i wonder if one of those people were me? was i being the "legend in my own mind"-- was i fullfilling my purposes or was i just being a "bitch box" who's unhappy with their life- doesn't feel like the have the power to change it, although they make mediocre steps and have "Accompiments" that can endorn the walls of anyplace i end up calling home.. and yet and still i end up at step one-- feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands me, and that the sense of humanity i long for is within the hills with buddhist monks who spend their time chanting and patiently waiting for "enlightment"....

today, i realize that i am so confused...so lost without an understanding of why i'm lost, why i'm lonely, why i find it hard to trust other people and a man once told me that i have to find someone or something to believe in and until i do my wonderingness will continue-- am i the needle in the hay stack or am i simple just some over self indulgent guy who simply has not learned that it really ain't that deep and i'm really not that important- in the big picture of things- i am simple one small microcosm of the universe and as silly as it seems on some level there most be a purpose or a job, something that i can attack with the fearlessness that urges an animal to seek out its prey

Things Fall Apart

2007-05-14T11:42:00.000-05:00

Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold....

Last night as I was washing clothes, a man came to speak with me.. the more he spoke the more interesting the conversation got- we talked about being black man in a world that doesn't teach us to respect and value ourselves, we talked about young black america, we talked about growing up poor, we talked about south jersey, we talked and talked and talked and than the conversation took a serious bad turn- this man started to talk about religion to me and at the end of the conversation he had the audacity to ask me to accept jesus christ as my personal lord and savior... this i aim unable to do- unwilling to do.. and it made me think-- whats really going on... why don't i believe... why do i refuse to believe.... why don't have have faith... it made me think--- and i thought about it for a hard long time.... the words of this brotha repeated themselves in my head.... talk to god... seek him out.. be str8 with him... let him know that ur confusioned and u have questions.... job had questions... noah had questions..... and yes, emotionalbrotha does have questions... questions filled with rage and hate and hurt and mistreat and no love given by anyone's god.... god turned "his" back on me a long time ago.. and even when i tried to believe i really didn't believe-- i don't think i've every believed-- i used to act like i did for other people... for everyone else but deep down in side... i wish i could but i can't... i refuse to because none of it makes any sense....

God is old and senile...

Or maybe Beneatha said it best....

"Mama, you don't understand. It's all a matter of ideas, and God is just one idea I don't accept. It's not important. I am not going out and be immoral or commit crimes because I don't believe in God. I don't even think about it. It's just that I get tired of Him getting credit for all the things the human race achieves through its own stubborn effort. There simply is no blasted God-there is man and it is he who makes miracles!"

Right know I really don't know.... what to believe.....

The Phone Call

2007-05-04T18:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, today I received the phone call that I've been waiting for weeks for- my job offer phone call came today and my ass missed it--- It went to voicemail and I didn't check my voicemail until after 4:00pm today-- but hey this black man's unemployment may be about over....

Well see i guess what kind of offering they're extending and take it from there.

Strength

2007-04-29T11:52:00.000-05:00

I've always been strong and that with each day I only become stronger- the beauty is that I am finally realizing that I am becoming the man I'm meant to be. - with each breathe, every step that i walk, every second that i'm able to close my eyes and sleep, peaceful sleep even without a permanent job, and my own place, and all the beautiful things that i once had- i still have myself- and great friends & family- and my life may not always go the way that i want it to- i may be humbled/many times over/ until i truly learn the lesson that it to be learned/ my smile can never be taken away/ my strength lies within/ no longer closing off the world/ but realizing that i show my heart to those that i used to/ the closeness that comes within the death of an era/ the reincarnation of the new journey begins/ with the newness of the birth of flowers in springtime and as wet as the snow in winter & soon the universe will bring out the sun to dry all my tears & bless me with the release of seeing a new garden, a new field, a new forest with new trees/ from old seeds, and all this beauty would have come from me

Reality

2007-04-27T16:26:00.000-05:00

For the last past days, I've been realizing something about my self and the world in which I live in- It seems as if just five shorts weeks ago I was in Chicago doing the damn thing and not five weeks later, here I am in Washington, Dc- I'm so damn happy to be back on the East Coast and although things haven't necessarily gone the way I thought they would- I'm ok.. and I'm very thankful for just being able to breathe oxygen into my lungs and the fact that my brain works, and I have legs to walk on.-- There's so much that I'm greatful for- sometimes it's just the fact that I can smile- that I can look at life and know that this too shall pass and that I still have it and within me I have everything that I will ever need....

It's like in the musical the Color Purple (and although i haven't seen it yet- I've been singing the lyrics to I'm Here).....

I don't need you to love me...... I don't need you to lovvveee.....

I got...... I goootttt.....

good friends,
great family members,
my health,
my strength,
a good sound mind,
a good body,
a good heart,
empathy for those who hate their lives,

i just love me right now... even if I am techinically void of a permanent job---- i got what

I've always had-- myself...

"I got my hands-- doing good like the used to"

"showing my heart to the folks I'm close to"

"Got my eyes- though the don't see that far now--- they see how things really r now"

thank u to my good friends for supporting n loving me--

"but most of all I'm thankful loving who I really am"

It's really depresing when you see people who don't see the joy in their lives, the don't see the good in themselves, in you, in others, they set on the subway and stare into space-- that must be a sad exitence......i'm just glad that i am and can be me.... there's nothing more important to Emotional than being exactly who he is and all his complexity.....

Everything must Change

2007-04-24T18:48:00.000-05:00

Today I am reminded of two old sayings:

1) Everything must change and ......

2) This too shall pass.....

Today, i got a voicemail from this company that I've interviewed with 2x already and they were supposed to call me last week to set-up an 3rd interview- least to say they didn't call me and I accepted a temporary assignment because my bank account was under $10.00 or the past two weeks and it didn't help that RealPlayer or whatever debitted some money out of my account, forcing me to transfer 5 of the $6.32 I had in my savings account to prevent an overdraft- oh, and did I mention that my bank doesn't have a branch here or no where near here and they've asking me to consider mail banking-- like my little checks from the temporary service need to be held any longer than need be-. But, at any rate, today I cashed a check at the check cashing places and received two 20's , a 10, and 2 crispy one dollar bills- I put $20 in my gas tank, $20 on my Metro card and spent $11 on turkey bologna, hot dogs, bread, .99 cent macaroni salad, two bags of .99 chips and a tube of of tooth paste- got to hang on to next week, when I will get a 5 hour pay check from the other temporary service- but at least I'm working 37.5 hours this week and it should come in handy because my storage is due and I need to pay my car insurance and let's not even talk about my car payment, which is due in 2 weeks--

I actaully should be ok.. because according to my voicemail the company wants to meet with me again and they are prepared with an offering--- so hallejuh baby-- the light is coming out and it's only been a little over three weeks--- faith in noone but myself sometimes works.... well normally alway works--- well more times than not....

but hey, everything is going to be allright....

Vagina Power

2007-04-20T20:41:00.001-05:00

Alexyss K. Tylor is a damn fool, but this is the truth--

what yall think?

Part 3- Penis/Vagina Power

2007-04-20T20:34:00.001-05:00

Crazy as hell but the truth-

Penis Power Part 2

2007-04-20T20:28:00.001-05:00

If this sista ain't telling the truth---

Please check it out and comment-

Penis Power

2007-04-20T17:45:00.001-05:00

What yall think about penis power? And can we get a video on p$ssy power?

Love to me

2007-04-18T15:37:00.001-05:00

Video from Light in the Piazza-

wanted to have a cultural Wednesday

Feeling a Lil Pity

2007-04-17T12:19:00.000-05:00

Today, I have to admit that I am overwhelmed- I have been unemployed for almost three weeks now and my bank account is low, my sense of self worth is beginning to decrease although I've been interviewing and everyone thinks that I'm great- my references have checked out- my interviews have gone well- and still i have no offers-- i'm feeling a little pitiful-- but i know deep down inside everything will be alright--

I know that deep down inside everything will be ok.

growth

2007-04-12T17:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wanted to cry- the reality that I gave up "everything" to have "nothing" really set in hard- i've gone from 50K to 0, from nice crib to homeless - sleeping on my buddies couch, from benefits to no benefits, from relationships and something to do to well starting new relationships and not much to do cause my ass is almost broke-- but u wanna know what i'm going to be alright- only been in DC for a lil over two weeks, I have no diseases, i'm healthy, happy, unemployed, loved, and special and shyt i have two interviws tomorrow- so, life isn't so bad after all--

- no matter what only a real man, can walk away from "everything" and trust that everything will be allright-

this is my growth

New Beginnings

2007-03-28T14:02:00.000-05:00

When one door opens, opportunity has a way of coming through the window- or sometimes theres a knock on the door so hard that it scares you- you jump out of ur skin and ur get a grip on reality-- the reality is that I wasn't happy and I wanted to be happy- wanted to be free and so I'm seeking refuge in the nation's capital.

Watch out 4 me.

Where Do I go from here

2007-03-18T22:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, where do i go from here?
i'm unemployed, yep, quit, nah---- resigned from my job
in order to maintain my sanity
i cried when i left
looking at my desk bare
nothing there as a testiment to what i'd accomplished
i looked at the walls
bare
no pictures there anymore
i looked at the floor and there was dirt n hurt
n it was time for me to go
so i said good bye
in order not to hide my discontent
with this arrangement that had been my life for the past two years
my relationship, my lover, companion and friend
paper clips, paper, staples, and shyt..
and now nothing,..
what i'm i supposed to do now..
where do i go...?
home....
where i sit in front of my computer
n type
n witness the sight
of naked men
and titties
and pussy
& cum
running
running... i've stopped runnning... now i can catch my breath and look & see if there is any foresight
cause damn..
i'm not running anymore.. for 1st in my life.. i can breathe but i still cant see the forest from the trees
betrayed in hindsight,,... too blind to see the light... but hey i got the might
with my life n front of me
resume enhanced
no glasses, no lens... just my pain...
a dream washed, maybe away...
cause what i thought i was i am not...
cant get it on
cant get the gig.. so i ran to the gin... and than beer, and wine, and vodka, and rum

I Did IT!

2007-02-28T21:44:00.000-06:00

Today, I did it- I resigned from my job, effective two weeks from tomorrow... I'm proud of myself and confident that I will suceed and find a bigger and better employment opportunity which will provide me with the growth and development opportunities that I deserve and desire.

I'm young, smart, talented, and possess many skills-- I can do anything!

Things that make you go hmmmmm...

2007-02-27T20:39:00.000-06:00

The thing about theatre is that casting is so funny... today I read that the cast for the Chicago production of Color Purple will star... Latoya London as Nettie, Michelle Williams as Shug Avery (who the fuck would have ever thought), and Jeannette Bayardelle. Now, I can understand casting Jeannette, I mean she's playing Celie on Broadway right now... but I guess the casting of Latoya London in this production and the casting of Fantasia to play Celie on Broadway really shows the impact that American Idol has had on society.

I mean you have 1,000 of people who attend acting schools around the country and the parts are going to those who can't read but who can sing, and to those who don't have the training-- that shyt is tooo too funny.. but shyt, I will go ahead and see both productions anyway- just to see if they got the blood and guts to play the shyt...

Just another thing to make me say hmmmmm... did I really need to go to grad school?

LOL.. and the fact that I'm about to go backs makes me want to choke myself but a brotha got to eat and I've found another water I can splash my toe in....

Dividing the Waters

2007-02-22T09:47:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I made a life altering decesion.

Yesterday, I decided to resign from my current job next week after my review.

Although, I want to think positively, I know my supervisor is going to say something negative to/about me and I'm going to start crying because I've given my heart and soul to this place.

Now, for those who have previously read my blog- you know that I love my current job, but it's very stressful and I often start crying after the lazy asses critize me but don't assist me or put any work in- I know I probably sound like a cry baby, but oh fucking well- I go beyond the call of duty everyday- when's the last time you've seen a Manger removing snow to ensure the client is happy because the snow plows didn't come or sweeping up trash, or cleaning windows?
Well I'm that type of Manager- A go getter... who gets the job done no matter what.

So, I'm going to do it, resign from my current job without having a new one.. but you wanna know what-- between hell and highwater I believe in me....

ReFound Hope

2007-02-14T14:25:00.000-06:00

It doesn't cost a thing to smile

You don't have to pay to laugh

You better thank the universe for that......

I think my new mindset can be best summed up by the words of India.Arie who says there's hope.. and yet hope is the one thing in my life that has been consistent, men & women come and go, self love and loathing arise and sleep at their own will- the anguish I sometimes feel and exert will pass.... everything is going to be allright..... because HOPE NOT DOPE is the one thing that I've allows relied on and I continue to believe that something good will come out of all this bad....

Last night as I slept in the arms of this man, I dreamt about this woman, and I realized that so much of my life- i've been trying to be who and what everyone else wanted and was abandoning my inant sense to just be me... I called my self a nonconfirmist than shaved off my locs to survive the pressures of whiteness during my grad school years, began code switching before i knew what the fuck a code was, learned to hide my sexuality because I didn't want to be singled out-- learned to hide me.... when I attended grad school, the professor would often say- you have to get out of your own way....

Two years later, I think I finally understand what that means.. it means stop the negative ass thinking, stop the judgement, and the paranoia, just move, move, move, .... move right outta my life...lol... (ok I had a "gay moment"....lol... ) Anyway, it means that I have so much to live for and when I really look, I can see that their in fact are people in my corner and it doesn't mean that they are subject to being my oxygen and that I don't need to grap on to them for dear life... that I can be alone, as much as I don't like to and I'm still ok..... I like to hug and be intimate and to connect with people and just because I connect with another person- it doesn't mean that this other person has an obligation to me or that I own this person or that I owe this person something.. I am a great guy, a little complicated and complex but....
India.Arie sings to me & tells me that she

Had to runTo the arms of curiosity

Just to find

What was here in my life all along

I had found that the art of simplicity

Simply means making peace of your complexity

Maybe, it's the same with me....

I know that at my B-day party this past Sat/Sun I stood in front of a group of beautiful people and spoke from the heart, the intoxication or weed& alcohol, not to mention the cake aided me in what my throat couldnt possible utter in the past.... how greatfull I am - because regardless of everything the people in this room choose to spend some time with me on my day.. and that shyt was sooooo special to me, and meant so much because there I was standing naked (not literally nasty asses) and for the first time - I embraced my complexity... my two sides.. my heterosexuality/ my bisexuality/ & my homosexuality-- there in this room of my peers... in a room of the whiteest of whites to the darkest of darks- to my permed sistas to my locked brothas and me the guy with the cornrows, full of the sweetest intoxication where I was able to speak from my heart in a way that I never had before-- the mountains moved.. the rivers opened and hopefully now I can begin to heal my soul... or at least began to wash my soul... because "lord" knows it needs... it... and of yeah, I'm going to start of the path of forgiveness... cause I got to get ahold of this anger inside of me..so let me go on and see Aunt Esther cause a brotha definetely needs his soul washed...

What's that address again? 1839 WylieAvenue......

Here the fuck i come...

Better Days

2007-02-09T18:36:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, it seems like the harder I try the worse things get-

Today was a very trying day for me... I won't go into the logitics of the situation- however, it was a very trying day.

I want tears to fall from my eyes to release some of this stress from my soul- but none will come and when they want to come I'm in the middle of a meeting, or in front of the judge and I won't let them- I hold them in... I push them back with all of my might that my stomachs grumbles because at that moment I realize I haven't eaten all day and that I might not eat again.. because right now I just want to die... or to go somewhere where no one knows me because right now, I don't want to know myself- because I want to be invisible.

I'm looking forward to better days.

Unveiling.......

2007-02-08T23:58:00.000-06:00

What do Actors make?

2007-02-01T10:16:00.000-06:00

This article kinda helps me to sum up why my day job is soooo important and that no matter how many of my actor friends ask, what show are you working on- my answer will be- I audition and I act when I can but a niggah need to eat....

HOW MUCH DO ACTORS GET PAID?

A glimpse behind the curtain....

Earning a decent wage onstage in Chicago is no easy task. They don't call it being a struggling artist for nothing, and musicians and actors alike are the first toBy Nina MetzSpecial to the TribunePublished January 28, 2007

No one works in theater to get rich.

Every performer understands this going in. But for the audience members who attend local theater each year, we often have little idea of the financial realities faced by the people we see onstage. Personal finances are a sensitive issue, and it comes as no surprise that the many actors we approached preferred to keep it that way. They cited privacy concerns.

Also, it might not be considered politic to reveal what a given theater has paid for a run. (This isn't about calling theater companies miserly, by the way. Some might be less sensitive than others to the plight of an actor's wallet. But bottom line, budgets are finite. And so often in live theater, they also are inescapably very limited.)

The professional union of stage actors is Actors Equity, which negotiates minimum pay rates for its members. Some theaters operate under Equity contracts and rules (example: a big theater such as the Goodman), and some do not (example: a small storefront theater such as Curious Theatre Branch).

Even within the Equity system, the pay minimums fluctuate depending on a theater's specific designation -- a complicated system of tiers and levels and contracts.By and large, Equity actors support themselves through their work as performers.

But according to actress Linda Gillum: "No one really makes their living just doing theater, so we all do something else." This generally means teaching jobs, voice-over and commercial work; and TV and film when they come through town. --For a blink-and-you'll-miss-me role on a television show, an actor might get $500 for the day. That's a nice chunk for a single day's work, but those opportunities are few and far between. Health insurance is also a big motivating factor for actors. Equity members must work 20 weeks a year to qualify for the union's health plan. Most shows run from nine to 18 weeks (including rehearsals). The pressure to work enough weeks looms large.

At the other end of the spectrum are non-Equity actors appearing in fringe and storefront productions. They can make from $0 -- you read that right -- to $200 a week. And it's not because the companies are stingy. The money simply isn't there.

Under these circumstances, any pay is gravy. Some companies offer a one-time stipend for the entire run, ranging from $25 to $500.

And forget the old cliche about actors waiting tables or tending bar. The majority I spoke to work day jobs in an office, where the health benefits help compensate for the tedium and fluorescent lighting.

A quick explanation of Equity's labyrinth of contract designations: Contracts offered by the Goodman, Northlight or Court Theatres, fall under the rules of the League of Resident Theaters.

The minimum weekly salary can range from $536 to $769. (After Feb. 25, the LORT minimum salary range goes up to $544-$792.)Most Equity theaters in Chicago -- which are allowed to employ some actors that are Equity, and some that are not -- fall under the Chicago Area Theatre contract rules and tier rankings; the minimums range from $162.50 to $686.25 per week.

By the way, Equity companies can (and frequently do) offer more than the minimum -- up to several hundred dollars more -- which is based on seniority or an actor's perceived value in the marketplace.

Most touring Broadway shows and designated Chicago productions of major Broadway musicals -- such as "Wicked" and "The Color Purple" -- operate under production contracts. Minimum is $1,465 a week, and lead roles can pay much, much more.

- - -Weekly minimums at some Chicago-area Equity theaters
Goodman Theatre$769(Albert Theatre) $536(Owen Theatre)
Steppenwolf Theatre686.25(Downstairs) $572(Upstairs, in most cases) $162.50 (Garage)Second City$647.04 (Mainstage) $485.28 (e.t.c. stage)
Chicago Shakespeare$572-$686.25 (mainstage)$572 (Upstairs)
Writers' Theatre$572
Northlight Theatre$536
Court Theatre$536
Marriott Theatre in Lincolnshire$611
Drury Lane Oakbrook Terrace $593
Lookingglass Theatre$319.75

- - -Chicago faces
Audrey Francis
Age: 27
Marital Status: single
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and co-artistic director of Pine Box Theatre, plans to join the union after her run in "Othello" at Writers' Theatre in May.In 2006, Francis made about $4,000 (from fourshows), and $3,000 from television commercial work. But she earns the bulk of her money at Motel Bar, averaging $200/night. "I have a wonderful boss who lets me start at 11 p.m., so every night I get done with a show, I run straight to the bar and bartend until 4 in the morning. It's brutal, but if I didn't have that, I don't think I would be able to do theater."

Linda Gillum
Age: 30s
Marital Status: single
Residence: Chicago

Equity actor and Remy Bumppo Theatre Company member, appeared in the ensemble's fall production of "The Real Thing."In 2006, most of Gillum's income came from acting (from four shows, averaging $500/week); a quarter from acting classes she taught at the Acting Studio, Victory Gardens Training Center and the University of Illinois at Chicago. Remy Bumppo also pays its ensemble members a yearly stipend for administrative work that can range from $500 to $2,000. In the spring, Gillum directs "An Immigrant Class" for Remy Bumppo, but is still working to score acting jobs. "I'm nervous because last year I had four shows, and this year I don't have any."

Molly Hale
Age: 28
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor (sketch and improv) seen at ComedySportz and i.O. Theater, and is a member of the group Sketchcore. In 2006, Hale earned about $6,000 from stage work. Works a day job at a financial company. "The thing is, especially with improv, it's very hard to make a living doing it full time. The only way to make money doing comedy is to get in on the corporate gigs" lined up by the business arms of Second City, i.O., etc. "The big break [moneywise] doesn't happen in Chicago," she says. "Most of my friends that give up their day jobs usually have a spouse who works a safe job."

Don Hall
Age: 40
Marital status: married to fellow theater artist Jen Ellison
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and director, recently performed at SketchFest.Hall earned a $75 stipend for his role in LiveWire's production of "No Exit" in the fall. "That didn't even pay for the amount I spent on transportation, which was about $140 on the CTA. I didn't begrudge that, because they told me [the fee] upfront and they paid me closing night. The seventy-five bucks, to me it was like a handshake thank-you." Also does PR for small theater companies. Earns the bulk of his income as a substitute teacher for Chicago Public Schools.As for actor salaries: "Nobody wants to talk about it because everybody wants to place a shiny face on it, partly because they don't want anybody to think they're failing. And I understand that. ... Chicago is a working actor's town, and I know lots of non-Equity actors who do it because it's an opportunity to perform and really get some juicy roles and get the experience."

Joel Hatch
Age: 50
Marital status: married to fellow actor Carol Kuykendall, two children
Residence: Downers Grove

Equity actor frequently cast in musicals and plays, currently starring as Mr. Zero in "The Adding Machine: A Chamber Musical" at Next Theatre.On average, Hatch earns $40,000 to $50,000 annually from his work on Chicago stages. Says he has to appear in four to five shows a year to feel comfortable financially. "There are very few cities anywhere ... where I could do musical theater, Shakespeare, straight theater, comedy, dramas, all those things, and be booked throughout the year in the same city and live in my own house. That is a rare thing."

Robert McLean
Age: 38
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and Hypocrites company member, appearing in the Hypocrites' production of "Mud" beginning Feb. 18.An estimated $5,000 income from stage work in 2006 (from two shows), and another $5,000 from on-camera work. McLean took on temp jobs during the year. "I have some savings that I've made a big dent in, so I've got applications out at eight different Starbucks."

Marc Pera
Age: 35
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Primarily a musical theater actor working toward Equity membership, currently in Porchlight Music Theatre's "The Teapot Scandals."In 2006, Pera made about $10,000 (from two shows). Will earn a $300 stipend for the current Porchlight show. Pera makes the bulk of his living waiting tables at Bistro Zinc, which allows flexibility between day and night shifts: "You can make good money waiting tables."

Sara Sevigny
Age: 36
Marital status: Married to fellow actor Jon Sevigny
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and co-founder of Open Eye Productions, currently in Porchlight Music Theatre's "Assassins."In 2006, Sevigny made about $500 as an actor (from four shows), and earns her living working a day job at a real estate company. "Because we run a theater company, we always talk about money when it comes to actors. ... They're always the last ones to get paid, after stage managers, designers, musicians -- everybody gets paid before you pay actors."

Brandon Sornberger
Age: 28
Marital status: engaged
Residence: Chicago

Actor (improv), currently appears in four shows a week at i.O. Theater, including "The Armando Diaz Experience."In 2006, made $300 from stage work, and about $13,000 in residuals and holding fees on television commercials from '05. Sornberger makes the rest of his money picking up the occasional corporate gig (which pays about $100 a show) and managing the bar at i.O. A night of bartending can come to $125-$150. "I'm getting married in June, and my fiance and I are leaving for L.A. shortly thereafter. I'm not getting any younger."

Jay WhittakerAge: 34
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Equity actor with numerous credits at Chicago Shakespeare and Court Theatre. Currently in "Frank's Home" at Playwrights Horizons in New York (which ran at the Goodman in November and December).In 2006, Whittaker made about $20,000 from acting (his salary ranged between $250/week at Next for "A Number" to $850/week at the Goodman for "Frank's Home"). Last year, took on a short-term catering job. "It just gets depressing after a while. As of now, I live in a one-room apartment with no furniture."

And some background: Last June in the Tribune, arts critic Sid Smith profiled Whittaker as one of "Chicago theater's unsung heroes."

In the piece, Whittaker offered the nitty-gritty on cash flow. For his performance in the "Henry IV" cycle at Chicago Shakespeare Theater back in May, "I got $600 a week, which, after taxes is $500. My rent's $600, my car payment's $250, and after insurance and utility bills, there's not a lot left for food. I could get rid of my car, but that's an agonizing choice for a working actor. Do I keep it to drive to auditions in the suburbs? Or do I put food in my belly?"

It was the quotation heard around the world -- around the local theater world, anyway.

Some actors said Whittaker was crazy to lay it on the line -- and, by extension, criticize his employers. Others were glad someone spoke up -- salaries are what they are, and there is no shame in telling the truth.Whittaker says that after speaking out, he did not work at Chicago Shakespeare again, and that he plans to move to New York permanently.

Chicago Shakespeare Theater did not respond to requests for a comment.-- Nina Metz

My love of acting is real, but it makes my stomach hurt?

A brotha got to eat...

Media Take Out

2007-01-23T13:03:00.000-06:00

Read this today on www.mediatakeout.com

It's a hot mess but the truth!

BIMBO'S TOP 10 DOWN LOW SPOTS WHERE DOWN LOW MEN MEET OTHER DOWN LOW MEN

HONEY I'm giving you a list of the best top 10 spots where downlow men meet other downlow men...

Hopefully this is very informative and useful. It's just a little insight on the down low phenomenon...

10. Internet sites - This is the most popular and most known way most down low men meet each other. Websites include-- men4now.com, adam4adam.com, blkgaychat.com.

9. Phone chat-lines - Be careful with the phone though. The ones who sound good and say they sexy sometimes end up looking like Flavor Flav or Bobby Brown - so be careful who you meet.

8. The last train car of any NYC subway - Mainly the 2,4 and A trains.

7. The basketball courts - That slap on the booty means I want some of that fat booty, and I want some tonight damn it.

6. The church - Trust me, in every church there's a down low man - sometimes it's the preacher. You just gotta know how to spot him out. It's not hard. Trust me.

5. The parks - On a hot summer night or hell even on a cold winter night. Walk through a big park like Central Park, or Prospect Park in Brooklyn, or 125th Street Park and watch what you see. Oh you scared.. You want me to walk for you and tell you what I see?? Well I see a man getting [EXPLETIVE] by another man. Oh what else do I see?? Oh I see two men [EXPLETIVE]. Oh a lot goes on with down low men in these parks after hours...

4. Sex parties - These are where men who are really really down low men (i.e., with wives and girlfriends) come. They go to parties just to [EXPLETIVE] with other men. Then they go right back home and be with their woman like nothing happened. A few rappers have been spotted at some of these sex parties...

3. Bookstores/porno stores - All down 8th Ave. in NYC starting from 34th Street, all the way up to 59th Street. The best known and popular store is on 8th Ave between 34th and 35th street, next to the 24 hours McDonalds. The 2nd floor is legendary honey.

2. The gym - Bally's is the main down low gym. Where are most of the down low men??. A lot goes on in these showers - mostly in the late hours. Chilllddddddd...1. Prison - Most men are only gay in jail and when they come out they go back to straight. Yeah, OK.

But jail is the #1 place where most down low men meet each other - remember there are no females. So ladies be careful if your man did a 5 year or more bid...

Developing...

That shyt is tooo funny!!!!!

Putting My Toe in it

2007-01-17T01:10:00.000-06:00

Ok, my crazy ass went in the bedroom to study and fell asleep.... now it's like 1:00am and I'm wide awake, so I was doing some employment seeking.. checking out the "openings".. peeping what skills employers expect people to have and what they're paying people for those skills... I'm finding the need to be more on top of my game and knowing what is marketable and the compensations helps.. and than I get to thinking like I might be a better entrepuer than anything... like why don't I just chill out, make a plan- take some classes to get more education, which will add to my expereince and also solve that little "i need a second" job syndrome... not to mention that I'm actually making "ok" compared to what other companies are paying.... but at the same time I could be making more by working for myself so I can do business the way I want to do it.

So, I sat down and wrote out a plan.. get some of this, a little bit of that, compliment that with this.. and than prioritize everything like what is going to make these biscuit taste better more butter or more water- i don't like my biscuits very flat so more butter- Also, what skills are going to make my job easier and more productive so I can leave the office by 6:00pm instead of 9:00pm and still make it to take a class, catch a seminar (that's going to give me a certificate for attending- need those C ontinuing Ed credits), continue working out everyday and than at some time between the next 12-15 months, say thank you for the time, experience and consideration, but I am now going into business for myself.

I think I would like that alot better.... and I can still dominate and if I wanted to relocate and set-up my business elsewhere- it's not like Chicago is the only city going "Condocrazy"-

So, I'm still looking but might throw the whole new employment thing in a pot and make a smoldering soup for later..... just got to get the meat, vegetables,& spices together....

and it never hurts to see what store is having the best sale.... so, who knows- it's open season and I can do anything.

A New Year w/ a New View

2007-01-15T18:39:00.000-06:00

For the past few days, I've been attempting to post an entry- but I really wasn't prepared to "say" anything... I guess I really had nothing to say, although my life has been very busy over the past few weeks. .....

I actually went on vacation, met a great guy, became estranged from my g/f since she decided that I need to be her husband.. (so not feeling that)... decided that I would look for a new job, polished my resume, actually submitted my resume for a few positions and it looks like I'm open to relocating......

In short, I think 2007 is going to be the year where I face my fears. I've always said that Chicago is a great city, with great opportunities for brothas with their heads on straight- you know the whole big fish in a small pond thing... but then i woke up and looked at myself and something inside me said that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm not where I'm supposed to be at- so I started to think to myself.. like what am I supposed to be doing? The Acting thing hasn't worked out... and maybe I'm just not as special as they've always lead me to believe... so, if I'm not an actor- who am I? If I am an actor, just an unemployed one at the moment what am I supposed to be doing in the meantime?

Well, I decided that this Management thing is whassup, i hate dealing with the cry babies but maybe if I change the pond of water I'm swimming in- the results will be different. Kindaof a nature versus nurture experiment.

So, in 2007, I'm going to possibly do a career change- I might just do a location change and stick with the Real Estate thing, because generification is happening everywhere just not in Chicago.

Also, I've decided that I'm going to be more forgiven, forgivenning not forgetting- but just time to move on with my life.

I'm young, smart, gifted, can adjust to about any atmosphere (the actor in me)... so why not see what the other ponds look like?

One will never know-- unless they try..

Here's to trying.....

Dazed and Confused

2006-12-11T11:02:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've been bored, dazed, and confused.. Dating CuteandShort has been so different from dating a guy.. it's kinda like dating myself.. she wants a phone call everyday, a kiss, and a hug, some me time.. likes to talk for hours and hours... it's straight up crazy.... and it's like honestly she got a brotha a little scared cause I know me, if I know anyone and the whole bisexual thing is like major complicated cause I don't know if I could never "mess" with another man again.. like if I get with CuteandShort... and I don't even know that that's what she's looking for.. it's like sometimes she's like well you got to be my man and than we had a conversation and she was like that she didn't think that we should have sex with other people until we had sex with each other and I was like i don't think were on that level yet.. oh yeah and why did I feel guilty after dicking down ThatDude.... and I won't even waste too much blog time on that situation cause I honestly think that I'm going to tell Dude, we can only be friends... I mean he's just not really showing me the kind of attention that I need and I saw him out a few times and I just don't think we want the same things... it's like he says he wants some of the same things that I do but his behavior doesn't show me that.. and right now I'm very much in a show me state of mind... so, it will be what it will be... he did have some good booty though- although he lied about not getting fucked.. cause he was doing tricks.. and people who ain't used to getting fucked don't know tricks like that shyt he be trying to do....

Well other than my crazy life/sex/crazy life... Emotional has been good.. been working out... trying to eat right.... and just trying to do my favorite past time and that is getting some SLEEP!!!

So, other than that just counting the days until I go on vacation.... which is like 10 working days and in between those ten working days I have alot of things to finish up on and I decided to close my office down during that time... well at least it will be closed for several hours... Office Hours will be 9:00am-1:00pm instead of 9:00am-5:00pm because I'll be on the east coast visiting family and friends and I just don't trust my office to be open ALL day when I'm way out somewhere else... less shyt can go down if it's only open for half a day.....

And of course I will be calling in twice a day and won't really be on vacation until I go skiing in 2/07...

Damn that scary it's fitten to be 2007- that's so crazy to me... but I'm sure I'll be around to see 2020 and beyond and I will be saying the same.. "that is so crazy"...

Me and My g/f

2006-11-29T01:05:00.000-06:00

Damn, I got the bug! Yep, although, I went and got a flu shot two weeks ago somehow, I caught some type of virus or something. But feeling alot better, been down and out since Saturday... but feeling alot better...

Also, not much been up with me, been spending alot of time with CuteandShort, we're going to get tested together on World Aids Day.. and we have really bonded alot.. don't think I've ever met a woman like her before- it's crazy how she has ALL my attention when I'm with her and she's so sweet and considerate... she's like I ain't got to be gay, bi, or straight, just be me and that's enough for her.. that shyt is hot!

Oh, yeah Me & ThatDude had dinner the other day, it was very nice... we went out to eat and than caught a movie, our first date... and why after we had sex like last week did I feel guilty?

CuteandShort is putting that thang on me and we ain't even fucked yet.. it's crazy... but she is a real real lady.....

So, looks like for now it's me and my girlfriend... or it might be me and my girlfriend and my part time boyfriend.. but right now it's definetely me and my girlfriend...

Last Journal entry

2006-11-19T18:18:00.000-06:00

8/26/06

Either I have multiple personalities or one hell of a story to tell...

8/28/06

The scale lies & the mirror laughs
as I silently hold the cravess that you once held as u kissed me & said that u loved me
now that love is not near
because i gained weight, maybe a few pounds & i am no longer what turns u on..

so i order a hamburger, fries, and cake to comfort the tears- my eyes & the tightening in my chest I do what only I can do.. I eat.. gluttony is my sin
but i still love u
my gluttnous ways lead love away & rolls to the side of my thighs and waist line

8/28/06

I'm so high.. just drank some warm milk n listening to Phyllis Hyman.. so I'm ready for bed...

Old journal entries

2006-11-19T17:29:00.000-06:00

Cleaning through my papers and found some journal entries I'd written and before I though the journal away, figured I would type them on here and at least be able to access them when I need to reflect later. The next like 15 post will all be old journal entries.

7/23/06

I visited Sweetness today also met Unconquerable. He's kewl. We hung out for a little bit.

I'm very stressed out over work

Can my play have a heterosexual character revenging the death of his brother to "there will be no more killing of faggots"

I'm lonely

Hot didn't call me back- He doesn't love me anymore or does he?

I've committed to reading & writing every night.

I have to get my life together.

Got to bring the sunshine in my life- Phyllis Hyman- got to let the clouds go by-

What am I to do about my professional relationships?

Is it to late to fix my mistakes?

Will I ever find someone to love me?

I want to cry, will tonight be the night that I let my sorrow show?

7/30/06

For the last few days, I've been feeling sorry for myself or maybe I'm getting depressed don't really know- all I do know is that I'm lonely as hell. Yep, I'm catching hell living here all alone. I miss Hot, yet I won't be happy & I don't make him happy. I haven't gotten any acting jobs & I feel like a failure- my job keeps me very busy yet drives me crazy---I'm still dealing with alot of madness...

8/1/06The thoughts have begun again- I'm feeling like I want to end it- to hurt myself so I will be no more but I persist- I convince myself that life is worth living although times are hard & I feel depressed. I miss Delena.

My soul needs comfort- it requires it & the voices in my head take me further & further away from reality.

I feel lost & alone.

I want & need love so badly, yet it scares me... I'm changing so rapidly, the voices cause so much chaos, I seek comfort in things I don't know.. I have faith that everything will work out.

Imagine life w/ one man who will love me completly
imagine that
imagine, nah live in dark rooms with candles almost so dim u can't see
all i ever wanted to do was fall in love w/ some man and have him fall in love with me.

I lay in my bed & think of all these visions of u...

8/6/06
Something has changed within me.. something is not the same...

Last night I attended a birthday party (HD's) & I couldn't find the right personality to really do what I normally do.. I had a few interesting conversations but for the most part I felt like an outsider--> I was either too fat, to masculine or just not bougie enough--> the party which was VERY diverse, although in my head it seemed like a Will & Grace affair (all the men seemed to be gay and the women straight) the funny thing is the women were commanding more of my attention. At any rate, towards the end of the night I whispered to the birthday boy "I have a present for you but you'll have to wrap it"- he smiled & said/replied "Ok, I'll have to unwrap it"- blame it on bad hearing or the alcohol.. anyway this morning, I woke up & my feelings have changed for him & I'm not sure that I can fullfill my promise. I'm not exactly sure what to do- But, I do know I probably can't go through with it.

8/6/06
Sometimes I don't feel good enough. I constantly ask myself why I feel this way & a million questions come to mine & i think there are things I do to protect myself from getting hurt like not working out b/c I feel like even if I had a nice body, people still wouldn't like me or that I still wouldn't be good enough & the rejection would hurt too bad- butit wouldn't destroy me- So, I think I need to start working out & being disciplined for me & then start to think about people who will like me b/c I have a nice body who don't like me now as I am..

Basking in the the moonlight I am forced to comfort the reflection of my own shadow

I'm unable to sleep
afraid that the visions in my mind with wildly unravel inside my skull & bring about my demise.

To comfort not to silence the voices in my head.. I come to paper & pencil instead..

I blazed the joint & I looked in your eyes and I knew you weren't the one for me...

They had a rough daddy
Daddy was raising them prior to civil rights... when they were still hanging niggahs...

AmI going to die someday??? yes, but youw ill first live

As my father smoked cocaine up his nose I learned... I come to pen & paper .. there the melody flowed...

I'm trying desperately to change & to accept the things I cannot change

I just woke from a nightmare where someone a man (Black) was tryingto shoot me.

I got in my car & he asked me something I replied I got to go & he pulled out a gun
We struggled over the gun
I got tit away from him
I threw it out the window
still struggling, he demanded that I return the gun to him
having not thrown the gun far enough
soemhow he is trying to get it w/ his fot
he says your going to give it to me..
I hit the gas and I wake up

This is/was my nightmare...

The man in the dream was familiar.. I didn't know him, but he reminded me of someone.. he had that same crazy look as the guys I've seen at the park

I'm scared... I don't like being alone.. I wanted to call Hot- but I didn't- he made it clear that he has a lover.... I'll have to get through this alone...

8/20/06
Today, I found mself feeling ugly.. comparing myself to others- not feeling good enough- lacking love- struggling with my own self worth & esteem
comfort sits idle as I want to cry but no tears come
I try desperately to love myself
only to find remorse and sadness..
being apologetic for "my sickness" but knowing & realizing that I am what I am..
a black man (lonely) on a constant battle for self love

8/21/06 Just got home , showered, now in bed.. today I decided that I would gain some decency.. In the past I have and have not had any...

Also today I realized that my relationship w/ Hot is really over & that Delena is dead- she's gone..& she's not coming back...

I need to get my credit togeth and will buy a condo next year..

Ball of Confusion

2006-11-06T18:37:00.000-06:00

Today, I find myself surrounded around a ball of confusion, as the Temptations once sang... the world.. my life is nothing but a ball of confusion today and as I unravel it, in the midst of raveling my hair, I find that there is something inside me that is causing this disorder in my life. it has always been there, it's just now it has really shower itself to me- it is my anger, my hurt, my rage, my adaondment and my bitterness towards life and those who are around me. I like to think myself as being optimistic however, today i find that with the dandruff on my shoulders that my world has spun out of control and I haven't always been the "good" person I portray to be, and that's why on some level this unfornatate series' of events keeping snowballing into my life, even as I stay on the race course and continue to strive to be a man, hopefully the man I'm supposed to be, but at the same time, there is something in my that must be released. It must be sacrificed and I surrender it, this./ myself to the light in search of enlightment, forgiveness, and ask for forgiveness from those who blinded I've wounded.

Last night, I was watching a tape that my ex and i made, and as I sat and listen to myself it hit me that i had wronged this brotha, and that he had wronged me that here we were, both wounded in this emotionally abusive relationship and neither of us would let go. we both choose to embrace our dreadfull behavior and to blame the other for the missed up, on goings, when it was me- who had it twisted. i always longed for someone else to love me and make me complete and know i realize that noone is responsible to make my nightmares go away but me... i am the only one who can make me happy.. who can complete me... it time for me to start loving me... it's weird because i'd always thought i did, but i didn't, i would change for others, cut my hair, lose weight, gain weight to feel safe- to find comfort in the storm instead of crying the tears that wanted to slap my face with their wetness. with their salty flavor.. and i wasn't man enough to let that happen.. i would occasionally let one or two fall but then compose myself and tell myself secretly to shut up and stop crying.. it was this voice that had eaten the womb right out of me, that had stole my backbone and brought the bullet colliding with my left leg. it was me. it was the demon in me. the negative energy. this possession has gotten too deep and i urge for peace and release more now than ever. it is today that i find the courage to let my anger boil, to let my rage unleash, to allow my heart to beat in whatever way it wants.. and today i learn to finally breathe. and i have every right to be angry. my mother was abused and noone helped her. i was then abused and forced to do things against my will and for that i'm not only angry I'm PISSED! I am an angry black man, although I've always tried to prove that I wasn't but the truth is that I am.... and this anger has consumed me- it has lit an overwhelming intense fire within my soul and only my tears will end its wrath..... i want to cry. i will let myself cry, i will release the pain and pressure from my left hip and just breathe... but i'm also afraid....but i will... i will have courage.. i will pray- say my buddhist prayer and i will move like i've never moved... will allow myself to sit still and to feel all the fury that has festered within my being and that so deeply needs to be extinguished but needs and deserves to be expressed.. this time it will be.. what it is... and i will allow it to have full expression over which it's time is long overdue.... i also am regretful that it has taken me so long to come to this realization....... it's time for the confusion to step forth and to be acknowledged. Confusion come forward cause I've been living in confusion long enough and its time for some clarity......

Itching 4 a Scratch

2006-11-04T16:32:00.000-06:00

How can I describe what has awoken in me. Hmm... I guess the basic way to put it although it may sound a little harsh.. for the past week I've been craving pussy! I swear. I don't know if it's because I'm loving that vibe that CuteandShort keeps giving me or because it just that time of the year or century.

The funny thing is we went out this past Thursday to this (straight) party and I had a really good time, I was like damn I've been missing out on all of this. Fine brothas, fine sistahs, and everyone is just partying and ain't no beef...

I was like I got to get back into this...

I mean I like men and all don't get me wrong and I will be honest before I sleep with a woman and let her know that I sleep with men... but why am I suddenly craving pussy????

I guess I got a itch and it needs to be scratched....

It's like one of my friends says I need to re-validate my bisexual card.... but how does a bisexual brotha find his place in an environment that kinda doesn't exist... noone walks around like i'm bisexual.. although the chicks be dancing with each other at the clubs.. and these are (straight) girls.. I will assume.. that shyt be making me hot!!!!!!

I had to back up to make sure I wouldn't wake u know how up... don't want to be walking around the party wit my dick on hard.... too much eye candy... and someone is going to be in trouble cause right now i'm going any way the wind blows and u guys know Chicago is the Windy City.....

so watch out ladies and brothas....

I'm fitten to find some space to freak.... watch out now.. and I got my box on Trojans tooo... :-)

Week of Absence

2006-11-03T22:40:00.000-06:00

Damn, it's been just about a week since I've blogged... so much has happened within this past week, that I started over four blogs, but they all ended up not being what I wanted to express right now... I wanted to express me.. and my view of exactly who I am has changed over the past week... I realized that I need some type of spirituality in my life, so I've decided to once again study Buddhism, and will make it to the Buddhist Temple next Tuesday to learn how to chant. I think it doesn't even have to be said that my mind moves entirly too fast and some peace is much needed in that arena. I also visited a spiritual healer and learned that not only am I repressed this much I knew, but I have an enourmous amount of anger and rage pent up in my body, so next week I will be taking up boxing, wrestling, or some other kind of rough contact sport... I need to work it out... or as the spiritual healer said "you can't live with that"... although I have been.. but A change is going to come.... I also spent a great amount of time with ShortandCute... I swear were going to end up fucking... I'm soooooo attracted to hear and she's so easy to talk to.. it don't make no damn sense.... WEll, I'm going to go back to eating my chinese food and drinking my glass of white wine.. yall be safe have a good weekend and peace to everyone,..

T.R. Knight comes out the closet

2006-10-20T00:26:00.000-05:00

Damn, I just read an article that one of the actors on Grey's Anatomy has come out the closet. Now, why can't some cute black actors do that?

What would happen if lets say Shemar Moore or Boris Kodjoe (cause he's cuter) came out the closet, how would you feel.. how do you think the black community would react?

various poetic thoughts

2006-10-16T10:22:00.000-05:00

some of us choice to remain in the closet.
we allow fear to silence and immobilize our lives. but i have to move. i can't stay defined in one box.city.job. expereince.
for long.
i urn for the greater things in life.
n no amount of fear will silence me.

u logged on. posed as a gay man. to lure another gay man into a park.
u four white men. him- one black man. 5'7. 145.
was there even a struggle. or was it easy to beat him. 4 u to think that is was the end of the slavery n u just had to get ur last whips in. how was it.

then he got away. ran ito traffic they say.. n was then hit by a car. STRUCK.. star struck. thats what alot of us are. hiding. making love at night. with the lights off. dark. we want it so dark we dont see. we only see each others teeth as we grunt ourselves into extasy. why is it that this is how it is to be.

first rashawn. now.u. tomorrow maybe me. and even before rashawn there.were.others. when is enough- enough.

the revolution will not be televised. our deaths. will. not. be. in. vain.

we must fight back. to take back the right to be human.

nowadays.

i'm filled with anger. n sadness. and confusion. as i light the joint, put my head to the back as u kiss me passionately. deeply. ur tongue tickles mine. n then i don't hear from u in two days. after u've wetted my palate with ur sweet kisses. laid against ur soft skin. melted within ur arms. n now ur gone. it's reality. it's real/ it's true. but it ain't fair. i want to love u. for u to love. me. but i don't.even.know.u.
ur just a fanatasy within my head. ur touch is the touch i urn for. the touch that sends me to chatrooms. because without it i'm lonely.

Annual Dr. Visit's and other Crazy thoughts

2006-10-13T12:44:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday I went for my second Doctors appointment of the year. I always make sure to go to the Doctor's Office at least twice a year and since it's been almost 8 months, I decided it was time to get a check up.

The receptionist as always made me mad, they took too damn long and than sent me to the first floor to register. I told her, it would have been helpful to tell me that when I made my appointment.

At any rate, than the nurse finally sees me and she's talking that "I've been in America but still have my Asian Accent shyt". I ask her about flu shots, they don't have any but I can go to Walgreens and get one. I looked at her like she was crazy. I said I just paid a $20.00 co-pay and my flu shot is included with those monies.. so, yall better have a flu shot next time I come in here. She looked at me like ok, whatever "give me uya arm Mr. Emotional" She then stuck the thermometer in my mouth as she continued to talk so I couldn't answer her. I was like Ok, Kim from Ms. Saigon with a nursuin degree, you damn well I can't answer you and get my tempearute taken at the same time.

But, whatever, I finally got in to see the Doctor. He asked me what was wrong, why had I come. I explained that my ear was hurting me again and was here for my check-up. He weighed me, told me I lost 12 pounds and than told me that I needed to lose some more weight cause my target weight is 165 lbs. I looked at him like he had ten eyes. I mean ok, #1 I'm African American and I'm 5'10. But 165 is weighing too little. .... I know this because I used to be 165, and although you couldn't tell me a thing at the time.. I look back at the pictures and I look like one of the starving children in those Ethiopa save the children commercials.. sickening... so I told him, listen my goal is to get down to 190, thats about it... he said ok kewl.. 185/190 is realistic for you... I smiled and gave him a yeah that's compromise look...

So, then he hits me with "Mr. Emotional, last time you were here your cholestrol was very high and i want to put you on some medication for this".. I was like what... Hey, lets do this send me back down for a new test and than if it's not better you can give me a "make me better/ fix me" pill.... In the meantime, I'll really have to hit that treadmill a little harder because I can't be under thirty having a heart attack.

So, he explained to me about cholesterol and the fact thats it diet based and/or genetic. So, I have to once again alter my diet, which I have already started and will get these pounds down... it's funny how after five years of becoming something/ someone that everyone else wanted -you just now want to be yourself... Right now, even in the throes of the comments regarding my fro.. i just want to let it fro out and get in shape.. I'm bringing the 70's back..and they don't know how to act... yeah. it's a fact.. emotionalbrotha is bringing it all back.... dadda... da.daa.da

Anyway..... so, I have to cut down on meat... in specefic my Wild Wednesday Popeyes Chicken night, where I endugle in 6-8 peices of delicious Popeyes Chicken.. I can now only have about one or two peices.. well my stomach will thank me later... cause I got to abort this little baby I was having...lol... I only look like I'm 3 months pregnant now.. the bike and treadmill kicked the 6 month pregnant stomach down.... hahahah....So, I can't eat some many eggs no more, or lunch meat, or cheese or Popeyes.. and my meat contribution have to be no bigger than a deck of cards.. ha, good luck on that one.. but like i said I can't be having no heart attack so..... Why do I feel like animals are evil??? Or should we even be eating them in the first place, they cause so many problems.. high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholestorol.. maybe we're all supposed to be vegetarians like the Apes and monkeys we evolved from..... just a thought... please don't get ur panties or boxers in a bunch... but seriously.. maybe just maybe we need to stop eating our family members.... just "eat" the kinds of meat that we can't digest.. ain't nothing wrong with pussy juice and u ain't never heard someone dying from eating no kitty kat or enjoying some good dick.... so hey, maybe I will have to get my protein from other sources.. of course than my teeth would be so sharp... and we never know when we will need them to do a Mike Tyson on someone...lol... anyway.. my thoughts are colliding so I will day adieu and holla at ya later... love peace, maturbation and no feces.... LOL...

Craigslist Prank

2006-10-13T12:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, this morning I read a few articles about some guy who posed as a woman on the internet and for other guys to reply only to publicly embarrass the guys over the internet. I guess it's just another reminder of why not to give out personal information on the internet. As well as why not to air out your dirty laundry on the net.

Below is a link to the "Experiment" WARNING.. This link contains graphic images and is not approriate to open at work or around children...

CRAZY EXPERIMENT FROM CRAIGSLIST

What would you do if this happened to you? What would you do if all your kinky sides were aired out for all the Net to see? What would you do?

I guess the old saying what happens in the dark must come to light, is well CORRECT..

I'll take Idiots for $1,000.00 Alex...

The question is.. What would you do?

What would I do?

Hmm.. bash the fuckers brain in... lol.. but how would you do that, you don't know who the fuck he is... this is so remiscent of the internet scene in Closer, just more grudgy, crazy and I actually feel kinda bad for these guys... not to mention their wives, who now have all their friends knowing that the real deal is.....

Silent Reminders

2006-10-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

This morning, I did my usual, blog reading and my girl Ms. Luvinme, made me cry this morning.. this morning, she reminded me of so much... this morning I have no regrets...

Over the weekend, I met a man, this man and I have something in common, we both dated and loved another man, but of course at different times. This other man is Lot. Yep, the dude that fucked me and left me, and never gave two shits about me. To this day, it hurts when I think about it. This other brotha told me about how after he left Lot alone, he's stomach would hurt ever time he saw him, heard from him, etc. The brotha and I talked, it seemed like forever.. it amazed me how two people could have some what a similiar expereince and how it has taken me years to get over someone who I only "dated" for less than six months. The scars still remain deep... however the healing has begun...

have u ever loved someone so much that it literally caused u physical pains... involuntary reactions to the person? have i? of course, sometimes i feel like such a fool.. but i know understand that i'm just a man. just a man, in every way.. i am human.. and i am affected just about by everything and everyone.. some folks would say that i'm "arrogant" or "conceited" and in their opinions there obviosuly is some truth.. but deep inside i am well fragile, vunerable, and i don't understand why someone would take advantage of someone like that.. why would someone harm someone "just because"? well i don't know... one might say one's childhood, or that someone hurt them so in return they hurt everyone they come into contact with.. pretty much the domino affect.... crashing down.. cascading out of order... right now i am so full.. so full of life, of guilt, of hurt, and paid and sorrow, but also of happiness that these silent reminders are presented to me to help me evolve.. to learn.. to grow.. to mature... to determine what i want to be and don't want to be.. and what i'm willing to accept and what i'm not... one part of me, wants to lash out.. i'm so fucking angry because i'm hurt... because the muthafuckka intentionally hurt me... and i want to cut him... to make him pay for what he continues to do, not only to me, but to other men and women.... he takes us all through if, and leaves u emptier than when u arrived.. and in the end... he did it because i let him.. why couldn't i be stronger.. why didn't i see his bullshyt coming.. before it came.. i mean i'm a smart guy.... but i guess i played the fool... and i will no longer do that... thats one role i will leave for another act to re-enact.... i feel like.. i've done all i can do, and nothing that i have or could do would ever be enough.. so its time, far beyond time,, for me to say fuck off, eat shyt, and die.... get the fuck out my face, head, and heart... u crazy son of a bitch....LMAO..... I know I'm ranting.... but hey it's flowing like that,..it's time to hug n protect and love Emotional.

"Emotional it's aiight, it's aiight man, it's ok".......

Saturday

2006-10-07T20:46:00.000-05:00

Man, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of red wine, while my liver & porkchops are cooling down.

Today was a good day, saw a great play at Congo Square Theatre Company, The African Company Presents Richard III. Was great! Of course, ShortandCute, joined me. After the play, we hit a gallery and saw the great artwork of this brotha from Cali, who lives in New York, who paints pictures of urban black man in classical poses with flowers in the back round. Will look for his name and share the culture. Ok, he's name is Kehinde Willey, check him out and let me know what you think...

Today was definetly, a culture Saturday.

After the exhibit, Short and I departed and I went and worked out and than hit the grocery store for some cooking items, which are now cooking.

I will eat, chill for a minute, check out one of the International Film Fest movies and than go to the Chicago Annual party, yep, it's that time of year again.. when I was first reminded of this, I was nervous because this is the 5th year anniversary of me being in Chicago and I know that Lot will be there, but I'm over him, at least I think that and I keep reminding myself of that, so it should be kewl... and of course, brothas will be trying to holla, so long as don't nobody try n cop clock, it's all to the good.

Hopefully Cute, will join me for the movie. I really enjoy spending time with her... today, we had one of our many conversations and she's quite openminded.. and my philospophy is that of Chekhov, "we can't be happy, we just want to be happy".. as soon as ur aware that ur happy, ur no longer happy.. after making this comment Cute, ask me "Emotionalbrotha, are you happy right now, I looked into her eyes and said yes, but now i'm aware of it, so it's over.... We can never be happy, we just want to be.......

but today was or has been a Good Saturday....

Love. Lust. Lies. Memories. (Part 1)

2006-10-06T11:29:00.000-05:00

Early this week, my Ex, stopped by my job to drop off some pictures we had taken when we were together. As I looked through the pictures, most of them were of my dogs and then there was a picture of my sitting on the toilet...lol.. yep.. we used to be silly like that. We did many things together and some of those things I sometimes miss, but right after he dropped off the pictures, he immediately called me and told me to come back outside because he had forgotten to give me something. I walked out the lobby thinking that he was going to give me another picture or clothes or whatever, yet he handed me a business card for a barbershop. I guess he picked up the look on my face, cause I've never been good at hiding my emotions and he said its for yoru beard- they do good jobs there. I smiled and said thanks and walked away. When I got back into my office, I looked into the mirror and I saw me. I saw my fro, (yeah I'm bring the 70's back) and I looked at my beard but I had just shaped it up that morning.. and than it hit me. He was doing it again. He was still trying to fix me.

I mean I'm a handsome brotha and I clean up well, however, I'm not the kind of brotha that gets weekly haircuts, or shaves every other day. I'm truly the guy next store with funky feet, a nappy head that he comes and greases, and just a down to earth brotha with crazy thoughts that deserve some kind of comfort. This has always been an issue for him. He has, as other people, wanted me to be a pretty boy- and that's just not who I am. I prefer for people to like me for me and when I shave and get the head done, I want you to be like damn, I didn't know how handsome you really were. I want someone to love and like me for me- the inside of me, the hurtful side of me, the bruised side of me, the side of me that i constantly consul and hug, for my ugly side, for my loving side, for all my sides.... I want someone to love me.... and I can honestly say that I've learned to love myself and everyday I continue to fall in love with myself over and over again. and although I have my self depreviation moments.. even than i love myself.. i haven't lost all sense of my self worth and hope that i never will.

at any rate, this morning, i came to work, getting some work done as usual and i happened to log on to A4A, now as much as I shouldn't be doing that at work, I had some messages and just decided to check them, so I see that TallandDark is on line. TallandDark is this brotha that my Ex was sleeping with behind my back and when it came out, I was well to say the least hurt. And as I looked at his picture, and Tall is not a goood looking brotha (although he has a big dick..lol), the question popped into my head.. what is it about him, that he likes. what does he see in him, what did he have that i didn't and as the tears began to form in my eyes, the answer came- it didn't even matter because my love was no longer the same and it wasn't about him cheating on me or sleeping with me and dude at the same time. it was about me.

It was about my own insecurities. my own vunerability. it was about the fact that he choose this other man over me.. and that is what hurt... it hurt because again i wasn't enough... not enough for him at least, nor for any other man that i had as of late met.

And then and there the water from my eyes fell to the tips of my eye lids and I sat down to write this post.

This post is about me... it's about my own fear, the betrayal i feel. how i so want to love a man but i'm so afraid.. and i think my "hetero" instincts are kicking back in, don't get me wrong i am not straight or heterosexual but i am attracted to women and sometimes I crave their comfort- i also crave the comfort of a strong brotha who i can spend my life with... when will he come and will he ever come? these questions on some levels may never be answered all i can do is hold on to hope and do as I've always done.. take care of me, and love myself like no other.

Major Tude

2006-10-01T17:57:00.000-05:00

Right now, I got a major tude! This morning I went through my quarterly bill review process- this is a process I do every quarter, which means I read all my non bills that need to been paid mail and file them in my filing cabinet or I write letters to the assholes who claim I owe them money or who keep harassing me although, I've paid them and have the check and certified mail receipt to prove the recieved it.

Well today, I read over all my consolidation information in regards to my student loans and I can't believe these muthafuckka going to put me on a replayment plan that will give me thrity years to pay them their sorry ass money back, yet will also give me the oppornuity to pay them over twice as much as I borrowed. So, you know I am P I S S E D!!!!!

I done went over my budget for the 40th time, and I will now pay these muthafuckas double payments for the next few years and write them a letter to put the overpayment amount towards my prinicipal balance and don't be putting that shyt as a pre-payment.

Why and the fuck would they put it as a pre-payment anyway? Well, why not... keeps me paying for fucking ever right? And I can't be 58 years old talking about I finally paid off my student loans. I mean how the fuck am I going to buy the house if I'm paying student loans for 30 years???

It's a fucking trip.... so I will say this, to yall whos going to college watch the loans you take at, cause u will have to pay them back and they going to try and fuck u hard.. and it dont feel good.

Saturday Night w/ a Kewl Lady

2006-10-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

Last night, I spent the majority of the night with ShortnCute, Short is the kind of woman I would date if things were different. She is about 5'4, very feminine, nice body, a warm personality, has a smile that melts ur heart, and last night she introduced me to the Blues.

Short and I have known each other for a while now, she actually lives on one of the properties that I manage and we originally kicked it off one day when we got to talking about theatre. The conversation started and that was all it wrote- We have hung out a few times, you know movies, culture events, and of course plays. And such was the process last night... except it included a great suprise.

Short and I hooked up about 7:30 and headed to see this play at this church on the Southside... I don't even know if I should call it a play, but it was something else. I love our people I do, but why the play was scheduled to start at 8:00 and didn't start to 9:00, then to make matters worse at 8:30pm there figured they would throw a "comic" on the stage to entertain us until they were ready. To say the least the "play" was a sorta goespal musical, which was poorly directed and we were both just a mess in the audience criticing the play and making faces at one another.. To say the least we couldn't wait until Intermissin, which happened at 10:00pm. We ran up out of there so fast and went and got some shrimp and fish. Now, I have to admit, the ghetto has some good food because last night I tasted the best shrimp the Chi has to offer and them things were big too. After that we went to this blues spot, on the Southside at that.

When we walked in, I was shocked, here right in the middle of LA Hood, was a juke joint, I'm talking live music, full band and singers that could blow... a mixed crowd (black and white) and we couldn't even get a seat for the first 20 minutes it was so packed. We finally got a seat and man the music took us off, we ordered drinks from our waitress, who later we learned was also a bartender and singer.. Old girl wore the place out and when she sang Tine Turner her dancer, Brownsugar, an 86 year old woman who had to be Beyonce and Janet's great grandma took the floor and man that woman had a body that would put both B & J to shame and old girl was mixing it, shaking it, all I can say is it was Bootylicious.

Man, the acts that proceeded were all marvelous, Junkyard did his thang, Slim blew us away, and the other acts although I can't remember their names were marvelous. I will difently be back over there and make sure I get there early to get a good seat and will have to make sure my funds are right cause i could have been there all night- for real!